Sleeping in the Bushes with Kurt Braunohler

Speaker 10s - 7.28s

We all know what an asshole looks like. It looks like a man with third degree burns trying to give you a kiss.

Speaker 27.58s - 15s

You think I win on a date with three blue men? They're alien. They don't talk. They don't even blink.

Speaker 115.22s - 25.04s

Like at what point do I hit the button and call an airlift in to get me out? Welcome back, Steph Infection PERSON fans. Here's the thing. We're in a new location. And I don't know where I'm looking. in to like get me out.

Speaker 426.96s - 35.3s

Welcome back, Steph Infection PERSON fans. Here's the thing. We're in a new location and I don't know where I'm looking, but I'm very excited because I've wanted this guest on for so long. He's a very amazing podcast called Bananas ORG. Give it up for Kurt Ronald PERSON.

Speaker 135.6s - 36.36s

Hello. Hello.

Speaker 436.46s - 43.44s

Thank you. I'm good. I'm really distracted by this giant TV of us that's like just one second behind us. It's bizarre.

Speaker 144.56s - 45.92s

I have to look at you.

Speaker 445.94s - 47.3s

We have to look at each other and here's the thing.

Speaker 547.38s - 48.52s

I shouldn't have come right from the gym.

Speaker 448.64s - 50.32s

I'm highly regretting my decision.

Speaker 550.62s - 53.38s

I thought I'd look like a boiled ham.

Speaker 153.46s - 67.32s

No, you do not. I thought I would maybe like spruce up here. It's a whole new setup. See, if you're just listening, I hate you, if you're not watching my fucking YouTube channel, go fucking watch it.New setup, new vibe. I feel like I'm more relaxed now. I'm in like a loose chair. You have to be.

Speaker 467.46s - 68.82s

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 168.86s - 71.6s

We should have cigarettes and a little high ball of whiskey as well.

Speaker 471.6s - 73s

Maybe I should start smoking in here.

Speaker 173.1s - 80.4s

Yeah, yeah. Do you smoke? I, oh, I smoked for, I started smoking when I was 10. So when you ask me, do I still smoke? Like, occasionally.

Speaker 480.72s - 81.94s

Because you don't look like a smoker.

Speaker 182.14s - 82.66s

Thank you.

Speaker 482.84s - 83.38s

I don't know.

Speaker 183.54s - 85.16s

I mean, you have nice teeth. Oh, do I? They're not like rotting out of your head. Yeah, they're not. Don't look at them too closely. Don't look like a smoker. Thank you. I don't know. I mean, you have nice teeth.

Speaker 485.58s - 86.96s

They're not like rotting out of your head.

Speaker 187.06s - 102.22s

Yeah, they're not. Don't look at them too closely. Don't look at them too closely. Don't zoom in on the HD cameras that we now have. Because I've been smoking a bit and I've got to stop. Smoking is of all the drugs.I think the one that is like deepest in your brain.

Speaker 5102.68s - 102.84s

Yeah.

Speaker 1102.94s - 111.5s

It's like a, it's like a, I think about it, I think about it less now. I really smoke very rarely. I smoke when I see friends from Jersey GPE.

Speaker 5111.68s - 112.26s

Okay, okay.

Speaker 2113.52s - 115.72s

But we smoke a lot when we see each other.

Speaker 1115.72s - 116.28s

Oh yeah.

Speaker 2116.4s - 116.76s

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1116.8s - 120.06s

One of my openers, we get a little carried away

Speaker 2120.06s - 121.16s

and the camel crushes

Speaker 4121.16s - 122.44s

when we go out of the album weekend.

Speaker 2122.76s - 125.86s

Camel crushes, everyone's obsessed with camel crushes, man.

Speaker 1125.86s - 127.66s

They are so disgusting.

Speaker 2127.74s - 128.68s

I mean, I can smoke them.

Speaker 0128.76s - 129.32s

They're fine.

Speaker 1130.62s - 135.44s

But it is like, because it already feels like, oh, I'm having so many chemicals.

Speaker 0135.76s - 140.14s

And then it's like, but here's a little ball with a billion more chemicals.

Speaker 1140.44s - 144.14s

Have you, I was in Dubai GPE and they have ones where it's like, you can do a fruity or metal.

Speaker 4144.36s - 145.42s

And you can do a combo.

Speaker 3145.72s - 146.38s

Oh, God.

Speaker 2147.02s - 148.64s

I'm like, I'm immediately getting cancer.

Speaker 5148.78s - 150.24s

The second I press both of them. Minty fruit?

Speaker 1150.3s - 156.24s

Minty fruit. Yeah. It's not, I don't recommend it, but it was just like fun to do. Just because it's something to clicky to.

Speaker 5156.24s - 161.06s

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The clickety is fun. The click click. I'm glad to have you here. Your podcast is very fun.

Speaker 1161.32s - 164.86s

Oh, that's. I had a very fun time. I like a theme. Yeah.

Speaker 4165.22s - 166.18s

Having a little thing to go by too. It's fun to have something to like, it's not Oh, that's, yeah. I had a very fun time. I like a theme. Yeah. Having a little thing to go by to.

Speaker 1166.18s - 172.7s

It's fun to have a thing to go by. It's fun to have something to like, not homework, but like something to look at before you just come in and do you pitty app.

Speaker 4172.9s - 173.34s

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1173.64s - 176.7s

And bananas is strange news. So it's all strange news,

Speaker 4176.78s - 178.8s

all weird shit in the world. And it's all very bonkers.

Speaker 1178.94s - 179.48s

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4179.82s - 190.32s

There was something, what do we do something about like a, there's so many, but like we had something of a bagpipe which I get very involved in because he used to Highland Dance and I love to bring that up for no reason.Used to Irish NORP dance? Highland. Highland dance.

Speaker 1190.38s - 201.7s

I used to Irish NORP step dance. Yeah. Oh, really? We should dance off. I know. How have we not done this?Highland LOC, you have your hands off. Yeah, yeah. You're waving around. Yeah, yeah. So your hands down straight. So that the British couldn't tell you were dancing.

Speaker 4201.88s - 206.5s

And that's what it is? And that's what it is? Yeah. You guys love to dance that much. You're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 1207.04s - 210.12s

We can't have the British know what we're up to in here.

Speaker 2210.38s - 211.38s

That's insane.

Speaker 1211.58s - 212.56s

Yeah, yeah, that was why.

Speaker 4212.58s - 213.2s

I didn't know that.

Speaker 2213.38s - 216.38s

So your hands were down and just looked like you're kind of like walking around.

Speaker 1216.98s - 217.82s

But really serious?

Speaker 2218.22s - 218.46s

Yeah.

Speaker 1218.62s - 222.54s

Because it was all that British shit of like, not Puritan because that was America GPE.

Speaker 2222.54s - 230.22s

But like all that like of like Lutheran NORP like pushed and, like, dancing is evil and stuff like that.

Speaker 1230.24s - 230.94s

Okay, that's wild.

Speaker 4230.94s - 233.62s

And then the Irish NORP were just like, we don't care.

Speaker 2233.76s - 234.24s

We're drunk.

Speaker 4234.28s - 235.18s

We're still going to have fun.

Speaker 2235.28s - 235.86s

We're still going to.

Speaker 1236.24s - 236.94s

Then serious.

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I'm tapping around.

Speaker 4238.38s - 239.54s

And I'm not even Irish NORP.

Speaker 1239.64s - 241.84s

I have no Irish NORP blood in me whatsoever.

Speaker 0241.92s - 242.42s

I'm not Scottish.

Speaker 4242.66s - 243.54s

I have no Scottish blood in me.

Speaker 0243.7s - 244.76s

How did you end up to?

Speaker 4244.76s - 247.12s

My mother teaches it and I got into it. And then I was forced. Your mom teaches it? And she's not. I'm not Scottish. I have no Scottish blood of me. How did you end up doing it? My mother teaches it and I got into it and then I was lost.

Speaker 1247.12s - 247.94s

Your mom teaches it?

Speaker 4248.06s - 249.5s

And she's not, again, not Scottish.

Speaker 1250.04s - 251.02s

Makes no sense.

Speaker 4251.08s - 252.04s

Look at that's crazy.

Speaker 1252.14s - 252.64s

It is crazy.

Speaker 4252.86s - 258.38s

Yeah, I just grew up in an Irish Catholic area of Jersey GPE where it was just like, is everybody's

Speaker 1258.38s - 260.8s

Irish NORP, so you must be Irish and then we just all do.

Speaker 4260.86s - 261.6s

I'm going to Jersey GPE.

Speaker 1261.98s - 266.84s

I'm going to, this is the come out after, but March, my birthday, March 7th.

Speaker 4266.88s - 268.2s

March, oh, soon.

Speaker 1268.36s - 268.88s

Excuse me.

Speaker 4270.68s - 271.96s

New Brunswick GPE, Stress Factory.

Speaker 1271.96s - 272.72s

Yeah, yeah, yeah, stress factory.

Speaker 4272.92s - 280.78s

One of those clubs where the owner likes to do a set, and I don't know how to react to this. I've heard about it.

Speaker 2280.78s - 282.8s

By the time this comes out, I've already done the club.

Speaker 4282.96s - 287.08s

Yeah, yeah. And I'm here to say, it's psychotic. Yes, sir.

Speaker 2287.36s - 291.36s

It's absolutely mentally ill to want to do a set.

Speaker 4291.7s - 292.7s

Then do your, then have a weekend.

Speaker 2292.96s - 296.12s

But I also think if you own a comedy club or a comedy theater,

Speaker 4296.24s - 298.84s

you have to be like on some level legally insane.

Speaker 1298.94s - 300.28s

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

Speaker 4300.32s - 301.84s

But I feel like, so am like, is he hosting?

Speaker 1302.08s - 309.04s

Is he not, I can't figure out the weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been emailing today. He goes, it started with him hosting, and now he's not hosting anymore, and now he wants to a couple guest spots. Where? A couple guests, yes. But I feel like, so I'm like, is he hosting? Is he not? I can't figure out the weekend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We've been emailing today. He goes, it started with him hosting and now he's not hosting anymore, and now he wants to a couple guest spots. So where?

Speaker 5309.16s - 311.52s

A couple guest spots? A couple guest spots.

Speaker 4311.64s - 314.04s

Oh, interesting. Dipping and dipping out. Because I heard. Uh-huh.

Speaker 1314.06s - 317.9s

I'm not going to say the comic told me that he did 45 minutes before the headliner.

Speaker 5318.04s - 320.14s

And I'm like, this is what I'm saying.

Speaker 1320.28s - 322.62s

No. Can you imagine sitting backstage? That seems very silly.

Speaker 4323.96s - 329.26s

Silly is a nice way of playing it. If I was backstage about the headline, I would be seating.

Speaker 1329.56s - 336.56s

I would go up and move my mind. Oh, I don't like it when combined MC and feature are 45 minutes.

Speaker 4336.72s - 340.4s

I prefer it's like 30 minutes and then let me come out. How long do you do on the road?

Speaker 1340.62s - 345.88s

What are you doing an hour? Like an hour? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So if you're doing an hour, then that's fine. 30 minutes and then an hour. Hour and a half long show.

Speaker 4345.88s - 350.7s

Everybody's done. Hour and a half is, it should be, there should be a siren that goes off and everyone has to clear the building.

Speaker 1350.78s - 362.2s

It should be an hour. I think hour 15 is the perfect amount of time for a comedy show. But it's always an hour. So there's 15 minutes where like the audience is like, I would prefer to leave.

Speaker 4362.86s - 367.1s

Yes. And then the check drop. I think the show should end and then everyone gets their checks.

Speaker 1367.32s - 371s

100%. And the good clubs, I think, do do that. Yeah.

Speaker 4371.2s - 374.5s

Otherwise, people are scuttling around and they're like, how do we tip?

Speaker 1374.6s - 381.66s

And it's also like during your like, the thing that you're like, all right, well, this is the main thing is what I've been building to this whole time.

Speaker 4382.06s - 382.62s

Check drop.

Speaker 1383.04s - 384.22s

Everybody's going to do math.

Speaker 4384.36s - 385.5s

Every time. It's so insane. Yeah. I want to, you're one of the nicest comics I've ever building to this whole time. Check drop. Everybody's going to do math. Every time. It's so insane.

Speaker 1385.7s - 386.5s

I want to,

Speaker 4386.82s - 389.24s

you're one of the nicest comics I've ever worked for. Oh.

Speaker 5389.34s - 404.22s

And I will never forget this. It was in Toronto at the Comedy Bar ORG. And it was years ago. This is before I've moved out here. And you were so nice. You had me,I was on your show. I don't, you didn't even know who I was. I'm sure like some Toronto GPE bookers, like put Steph PERSON on your show. And you went out and you watched your fucking opener sets.Oh yeah.

Speaker 1404.28s - 406.3s

And it blew my fucking tits off. Really?

Speaker 4406.72s - 408.06s

No one's ever done that. What?

Speaker 1408.24s - 408.84s

I don't do that.

Speaker 4409.26s - 414.52s

I still do it at Hot Tub ORG. It's just come from Hot Tub ORG. I just want to see. That's what I like about stand-down.

Speaker 1414.52s - 422.36s

It's so nice. And then you came back and then you quoted one. I remember the Jokey Cody PERSON. You're like, that pizza bit was very funny. We ate the pizza off the street and I was like, huh?

Speaker 4422.6s - 434.22s

Like I was so alarmed by it and it was so sweet. And then you were like, when you come to L.A. GPE, hit me up about Hot Top PRODUCT. And a lot of comics were like, when you come to L.A. GPE, hit me up. And I did. And you're the only fucking one who actually

Speaker 0434.22s - 436.54s

followed through and got me on your show. Holy shit, really?

Speaker 1436.64s - 438.3s

Yes. That seems surprising.

Speaker 4438.38s - 440.38s

It's not. It was insane.

Speaker 1440.52s - 449.38s

And I was like, because I, when I moved out to L.A. GPE, I thought I was like a club comic. And then I was only doing altie shows. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I did Hot Tub ORG, which is one of my favorite fucking shows. Um, and good heroin.Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4449.78s - 450.84s

And then I was like, what the hell?

Speaker 1451.14s - 452.46s

Well, that makes me feel very nice.

Speaker 4452.52s - 453.46s

Well, you're a nice man.

Speaker 1453.58s - 457.18s

I, and also, I think I recall us smoking outside of the comedy.

Speaker 4457.18s - 458.32s

Yeah, I have to go. Yeah, well, they did.

Speaker 2458.44s - 458.82s

There we are.

Speaker 1460.24s - 460.82s

I think I think.

Speaker 4460.82s - 461.94s

I think I think that I just started smoking like a couple years ago.

Speaker 2462s - 462.72s

I'm like, I just started.

Speaker 4462.9s - 463.7s

Yeah, I've been talking for me.

Speaker 2464s - 466.54s

But I also have had this voice forever, so people, it's confusing.

Speaker 4466.7s - 467.04s

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1467.7s - 468.78s

But yeah, so you're going to Toronto GPE.

Speaker 5468.9s - 470.36s

I'm very excited for your Toronto GPE tour.

Speaker 4470.36s - 471.48s

Oh, yeah, that's going to be interesting.

Speaker 1471.6s - 479.5s

Where do you like to go? What's your favorite place? The tour? Oh, my favorite place? I think, you know, Portland and Seattle GPE are always really fun.

Speaker 4479.82s - 480.72s

Denver GPE's really fun.

Speaker 0480.94s - 482.06s

Chicago's really fun.

Speaker 4483.44s - 486.54s

And then, and also like the,

Speaker 0486.74s - 511.32s

even though I shit on it all the time, like Boston GPE is always fun. I just did, there's a spot that you should do in Worcester, Massachusetts. It's called Dave's Rock Diner ORG.It's like this insane little space that you, I don't know, it's like a hundred years old, but it used to be like a train car that was just like a diner.And then they just kept building onto it. And now there's a punk club above it that fits like 150 or 200.

Speaker 3511.64s - 511.92s

Okay.

Speaker 0512.06s - 519.72s

But it's all weirdly like neon tropical themed with like palm trees and shit everywhere. It's so fucking weird.

Speaker 4520.02s - 525.2s

And everybody comes out like it was a packed show And it was a fucking awesome show

Speaker 3525.2s - 525.86s

I like that

Speaker 1525.86s - 526.32s

You should go there

Speaker 4526.32s - 526.72s

Nice tight

Speaker 1526.72s - 560.7s

That sounds good for a special Yeah Maybe a little tiny But that seems like yeah You also had this joke And it's gonna sound so weirdOut of context about Your baby's butthole And I don't think I've ever laughed Harder PERSON at a joke in my life That's because I've stopped doing that joke It's not I've never recorded itAnd I've stopped doing it It's It's not, I've never recorded it and I've stopped doing it. It's that I'll, I'm trying to remember it. It's basically I saw my son's first shit. And so like when you're, when you're born, you're, the shit in, the stuff in your stomach is still from the mom.

Speaker 4561s - 561.36s

Yes.

Speaker 1561.5s - 565.46s

From the, in utero. Because like baby shit on breast milk is like, it's just like mustard and it's like runny. Yeah. But the very. Yes. From the, um, in utero. Because like baby shit on breast milk is like,

Speaker 4565.66s - 572.04s

it's just like mustard and it's like runny. Yeah. But the very first shit is, uh,

Speaker 1572.04s - 590s

like, um, like a human adult shit that just comes out because it's processed from the mom. And I was changing him. He had peed. So I was changing him.He was like less than a day old. And then he, I watched his butthole. And it's a brand new. he had peed so I was changing him he was like less than a day old and then I watched his butthole and it's a brand new

Speaker 4590s - 595.74s

butthole you know what I mean so this is what got me because you were really going on and how new this anus was

Speaker 1595.74s - 611.94s

I never really thought about a new anus it was when I say that it is we all know what an asshole looks like it looks like a Sarlack pit it looks like a like a man with third degree burns trying to give you a kiss you know what I asshole looks like. It looks like a sarlac pit. It looks like a man with thirddegree burns trying to give you a kiss. Do you know what I mean? But this was, this is a brand

Speaker 3611.94s - 620.56s

new asshole. And it is like, um, I have never this, I have know this man. He has no lips. Yeah,

Speaker 1620.64s - 624.6s

he has no lips. He has zero lips. And they're very chapped. And they're very chapped. Yes.

Speaker 3624.88s - 628.4s

But this was like a, like a, like a pe, you know the peg games at Cracker Barrel ORG? Yes. Yes. Yes. yes. No lips. And they're very chapped. And they're very chaps. And they're very chaps. Yes. But this was like a, like a pe, you know, the peg games at Cracker Barrel?

Speaker 1628.64s - 628.92s

Yes.

Speaker 3628.94s - 629.04s

Yes.

Speaker 1629.04s - 629.34s

Yes.

Speaker 3629.34s - 629.36s

Yes.

Speaker 1629.56s - 630.24s

It was like that.

Speaker 3630.36s - 631.2s

Just a hole.

Speaker 1631.7s - 634.22s

Just a, no discoloration hole.

Speaker 3634.34s - 640.08s

And then it just opened up and an adult sized shit came out. That must have.

Speaker 1640.12s - 646.26s

I had to keep, I must have. I had to keep moving them forward on the changing table because the shit was just kept coming out.

Speaker 3646.38s - 646.74s

Wow.

Speaker 0646.86s - 647.66s

It was fascinating.

Speaker 1647.86s - 652.64s

And then I realized like our, when we are born, our buttholes are pure, you know?

Speaker 0652.64s - 668s

And the whole point of the joke and at this point never got across was that if you ever feel bad about yourself, if you ever feel like someone has more money than you or is more talented than you, just know that they have a fucked up dirty butthole

Speaker 5668s - 669.9s

and they did it to themselves.

Speaker 1671.02s - 673.52s

I don't get how this doesn't kill every time.

Speaker 5673.72s - 677.1s

I think it's people get uncomfortable just with like a child's butthole.

Speaker 1677.3s - 679.04s

A child's butthole.

Speaker 3679.14s - 680.54s

That's what makes people uncomfortable.

Speaker 0680.54s - 681.44s

That's the problem, yeah.

Speaker 3681.52s - 686.36s

Even though, and I change it to my, it was actually my daughter, but I change it to my son.

Speaker 4686.48s - 689.76s

Because then it seems like even creepier and weird, but that's what parents do.

Speaker 3689.86s - 691.16s

You change your child, you know?

Speaker 4691.16s - 693.1s

Yeah, it's weird if you're not looking at it. You have your eyes closed.

Speaker 1693.2s - 695.3s

Your eyes closed is like, what's going on with him?

Speaker 4695.42s - 698.8s

He can't look at his kid's butthole. That's even weirder.

Speaker 1698.88s - 699.48s

That's even weird.

Speaker 4699.48s - 699.8s

Oh, yeah.

Speaker 1699.86s - 704.02s

If you're scared to look at your own child, Sanitalia PERSON, get it out of here.

Speaker 3704.44s - 705.72s

That's terrifying.

Speaker 1706.26s - 709.78s

But I'm like, I think there is a weird gap about,

Speaker 3710.28s - 713.58s

I've been trying to do this joke about how I think my asshole looks like beef jerky.

Speaker 4714.12s - 716.74s

And that's why, because I've been talking about doing anal with my boyfriend

Speaker 3716.74s - 717.58s

because he's never done it.

Speaker 4717.64s - 718.72s

And I just want to take his virginity.

Speaker 3718.9s - 719.46s

It's creepy.

Speaker 5719.56s - 719.88s

It's gross.

Speaker 0720.08s - 723.5s

But I'm like, every time I mentioned it, in my head, it's funny.

Speaker 5723.62s - 725.26s

And everyone gets immediately puckered up.

Speaker 1725.68s - 725.94s

Really?

Speaker 5726.2s - 726.82s

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1727.46s - 731.72s

It's weird. I can do pussy jokes and they laugh. But butthole jokes, people are very upset.

Speaker 4732.04s - 738.24s

It is, I think on an ever, because I have this joke that I love right now about Instagram ORG ads,

Speaker 1738.44s - 744.58s

like how you talk about an Instagram ORG ad you see all the time and your friend has no idea what you're talking about.

Speaker 4744.58s - 748.96s

And you feel like you revealed something about yourself, but friend has no idea what you're talking about. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. And you feel like you revealed something about yourself, but you don't know what you've revealed at all.

Speaker 1749.6s - 761.02s

And the joke has like this line about like, you know those pants, those pants you get an ad for on Instagram where it's like if you shit your pants, you can hose it off in the driveway. And then it like just builds from there,

Speaker 0761.02s - 774.54s

but I say shit your pants like eight times in the joke. And it just something about the shit. Like my wife saw it reason. She's like, cut that joke from the set that you're going to do. And I was like, really? She's like, it's just too much shit.

Speaker 4776.22s - 777.72s

There's a little bit of shit you can do.

Speaker 1777.8s - 781.14s

A little bit of shit you can do. But it's like some evolutionary.

Speaker 4781.76s - 788s

I swear. Because it's like, it's something that like, you know, when I do vagina jokes, obviously men are like, what? But like, everyone's got a butt.

Speaker 1788.2s - 788.46s

Yeah.

Speaker 4788.58s - 789.46s

And butts are gross.

Speaker 1789.64s - 791.06s

Yeah. Buts are super gross.

Speaker 4791.66s - 793.48s

That's I always, I always wondered.

Speaker 1794.72s - 806.18s

I always think it's interesting that a butt is in, like your butt holes in between two pillows on your ass, you know? That seems weird. Like, it would make more sense. Like the whole point of it being down there so you can't get it in your mouth,

Speaker 2806.22s - 809.74s

right? Is that what the point is? I don't know. Well, I'm eating my shit all the time.

Speaker 4809.86s - 812.04s

It's not how bad. It's hard. It's hard to

Speaker 2812.04s - 820.18s

do, right? But, like, your elbow, like, you can't get your elbow to your mouth. Like, why isn't our butt hole on our elbow? Because then you could like shit at a bar. There would be, like, holes at bars.

Speaker 4820.28s - 823.96s

You just put your elbow in and shit while you're, like, having a drink. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1824.32s - 826.92s

A little shit bag, yeah. That would make more sense to me.

Speaker 4826.98s - 834.86s

But let's figure out this evolution thing. Let's move the butthole. Have you seen people? There's a lot of people who have worn two butt holes. That's a common thing.

Speaker 1834.86s - 843.04s

Yeah, yeah. One of them is kind of like a belly button. It kind of goes in a little bit, but they usually close it up. They close it up? Yeah, I had an ex with it. And I like, he wouldn't let me look at it.

Speaker 0843.18s - 848.52s

I know. I tried to look. He really hated. He would really get uncomfortable? Yeah, wait, wait, he's a medical mystery. I know, I had an ex with it. And I like, he wouldn't let me look at it. I know. I tried a look. He really hated it. He would really get uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah.Wait, he's a medical, he's a medical mystery.

Speaker 4848.52s - 851.54s

I know that he didn't like it. And I really wanted to put my finger in there.

Speaker 0851.92s - 853.42s

Why wouldn't you like it?

Speaker 4853.48s - 858.28s

I don't know. I feel like it'd be fun. If I had two buttholes, you'd be looking at them right now.

Speaker 1858.28s - 859.44s

Are you joking? I would have two.

Speaker 4859.44s - 861.32s

I have two little vibrators.

Speaker 1862.14s - 865.56s

One for the little but hole that's just an doorbell. Ding, ding, ding. I'd be like, two in the pink, two in the st butthole. That's just a doorbell.

Speaker 4865.72s - 866.1s

Ding, ding, ding, ding.

Speaker 3866.1s - 870.46s

I'd be like, two in the pink, two in the stank. Can I mean? I'd be like, I would do that joke all the day.

Speaker 4872.66s - 875.58s

I would do that joke every single day and then show my ass.

Speaker 1876.16s - 880.26s

Oh, also, if you had two butt holes, my God, you could do a whole hour on having two

Speaker 4880.26s - 883.26s

bottles. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're two whole hours because you got two holes.

Speaker 1883.4s - 884.28s

I can't believe it.

Speaker 4884.38s - 896.18s

It's a lot. It would be a lot. It would be too much. I don't know. It's because you're not, you shockingly will do some dirty stuff sometimes and it's alarming because you don't seem like a, like you're. Well, because I look like a fucking banker.

Speaker 1896.38s - 900.24s

Yeah, that's it. Like a banker with a chapped ass.

Speaker 3900.38s - 909.38s

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know. It's like, I think that it's, that I look so much different than what I always have imagined and myself to be.

Speaker 4910.02s - 920.76s

And so I think I struggled with that when doing starting stand-up because I was always like, when I come out, people see like a pastor or like, you know, or an IT guy or something like that.

Speaker 3920.76s - 921.54s

You played that.

Speaker 4921.86s - 923.32s

You were so good and barbarian.

Speaker 3923.5s - 924.26s

Oh, my fucking God.

Speaker 1924.58s - 924.9s

Thank you.

Speaker 0924.94s - 927.68s

If you haven't seen the movie, it's, I don't watch horror movies.

Speaker 3928.1s - 928.64s

Yeah, me neither.

Speaker 4928.76s - 932.1s

And I was like, thank God you're in it because it made me feel kind of safe.

Speaker 1932.44s - 934.22s

It's a really crazy movie.

Speaker 4934.22s - 934.34s

It's crazy.

Speaker 1934.52s - 935.96s

And you're so good.

Speaker 4936.06s - 940.4s

Because I haven't seen you, like, I know we all act and stuff, but it's like, it's rare that you're like, you see.

Speaker 1940.46s - 947.08s

And I was like, so it's such a nice little surprise. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Let's get into Bod stuff. Yeah. I'm ready. You ready for Bod stuff? I am. What do you got? like, such a nice little surprise. Oh, thank you. Yeah. Let's get into Bardstuff ORG. Yeah. I'm ready.You ready for Bardstaff GPE?

Speaker 4947.08s - 948.42s

I am. What do you got?

Speaker 1948.72s - 951.8s

Oh, well, I got two. I broke my back when I was a kid.

Speaker 4951.8s - 952.6s

Oh, God.

Speaker 1952.74s - 957.74s

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I fractured my three lumbar vertebrae in a car accident.

Speaker 4957.94s - 958.66s

Oh, shit.

Speaker 1958.84s - 959.26s

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4959.68s - 972.8s

How old? I was 12. It was young. It was in Belmar, New Jersey GPE. Okay. My mom was driving.I was in the back seat with my buddy Francis PERSON. I had my lap belt. They only had lap belts.

Speaker 1973.72s - 975.46s

And then he wasn't wearing a seatbelt.

Speaker 5976.18s - 979.86s

And like a drunk driver pulled out in front of us and we hit it going like 35, 40.

Speaker 1979.96s - 980.16s

Okay.

Speaker 0980.6s - 993.28s

And so I went forward and then got caught by the lap belt and then came back and then just it shattered the back bone, like the three bottom vertebrae on my backbone.

Speaker 1994.32s - 1000.76s

And then he who next to me didn't have a seatbelt on just like hit the front seat and had a bloody nose, but he was totally fine.

Speaker 31000.88s - 1002.08s

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 01002.08s - 1002.12s

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 31002.12s - 1005.76s

She was fine because she had a, you know, like that.

Speaker 01006.14s - 1007.32s

That's why those things don't exist.

Speaker 21007.38s - 1008.48s

Like, it used to just be,

Speaker 01008.72s - 1010.64s

we better not have anything than just a lab belt.

Speaker 11010.64s - 1012.48s

Literally, because that's really, oh my,

Speaker 41012.48s - 1014.2s

so you're the one who got mum PERSON had nothing.

Speaker 11014.64s - 1015.04s

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 41015.34s - 1017.28s

But that's also like in airplanes

Speaker 11017.28s - 1019.26s

where they just have lap belts.

Speaker 01019.44s - 1020.92s

It's like, what the fuck are we doing?

Speaker 11020.92s - 1026.94s

What are we doing up there? And also now, first class, have you seen this? First class now has shoulder belts.

Speaker 21027.34s - 1027.94s

They do.

Speaker 11028.14s - 1030.94s

There are certain planes where there's shoulder belts on first class.

Speaker 21031.02s - 1032.94s

And it's like, how dare you?

Speaker 11032.94s - 1036.28s

How dare you? You fucking monsters.

Speaker 41036.58s - 1039.74s

Have you seen some of the people in first class recently? Monsters.

Speaker 11040.32s - 1040.78s

Slops.

Speaker 41042.52s - 1044.84s

I'm like, how do you have this money?

Speaker 21045.08s - 1045.94s

No offense. I always wonder. I got bumped, how do you have this money? I always wonder.

Speaker 11046.2s - 1047.22s

I always wonder.

Speaker 41047.34s - 1052.8s

I got bumped up recently, huge brag united. It's always the flights get bumped up. It's like 12 minutes in the air. I'm like, cool.

Speaker 11052.8s - 1054.7s

That's the only ones you get bumped up for.

Speaker 41054.96s - 1065.36s

I've got a 35 minute old. Enjoy luxury. Maybe I'm just slugged though. I'm thinking of me up there. I'm wearing like a stained sweatsuit. I reek.When I fly, I get immediate onion pits.

Speaker 11065.74s - 1068.22s

Yeah? Oh, full onion. Just nervous? I don't know what it is.

Speaker 41068.32s - 1080.2s

Okay. It's something about the, every time I got to play my sister, I can smell your onion from here. Like, it's like full fucking white onions. Maybe it's a Bulgarian NORP thing. But I was on, and this guy beside me, muddy boots, missing seven teeth.

Speaker 51080.38s - 1084.16s

It just stunked, a gross stained hat, like a salt stained hat.

Speaker 41084.52s - 1090.82s

I kept looking at the window and breathing all over me. And I was like, this guy? How that was this guy up here? Disgusting.

Speaker 11091.34s - 1093.24s

Money doesn't, money doesn't give class.

Speaker 41094.34s - 1099.08s

Money doesn't give class. Okay, so you scrunch the thing. So immediately are you feeling this pain or are you in shock?

Speaker 11099.8s - 1103.76s

I'm in shock. It just feels like numb and warm, you know?

Speaker 41103.92s - 1108.92s

Oh, God, I hate that. So that's, so those parts of the bone, that's like, can you walk? Or is this like...

Speaker 11108.92s - 1116.32s

I wasn't allowed to... And so they put me in a, like, stretcher and strap me down so I wouldn't move... Like, you know, like, they strap your head down.

Speaker 41116.38s - 1118.54s

They strap every part of your body down. Oh, that's scary.

Speaker 51118.54s - 1122.16s

So that you don't, like, jiggle it in case it's, like, fully, you know, broken.

Speaker 01123.76s - 1124.68s

Fully doing over here.

Speaker 31124.76s - 1125.76s

But I had to do this act

Speaker 41125.76s - 1130.52s

out of me it's a dead fish you're like please go in um conscious at this point you're like you're like

Speaker 11130.52s - 1135.72s

you kind of see what's going on yeah I'm conscious and then um it's an overnight at the hospital

Speaker 41135.72s - 1140.38s

I think they gave me something to put me to sleep okay so then I remember waking up and then

Speaker 31140.38s - 1144.9s

them saying like okay like they've done all the MRIs and scans and everything oh you're sleeping

Speaker 21144.9s - 1146.42s

I don't know.

Speaker 31146.5s - 1148.6s

I don't remember the ones, right?

Speaker 11148.7s - 1149.74s

Ew, there's crazy.

Speaker 31149.78s - 1150.92s

They like tubes and you're like,

Speaker 11150.98s - 1151.18s

yeah.

Speaker 31151.62s - 1152.46s

I think they need to,

Speaker 11152.56s - 1155.18s

they do it so that you don't move or anything like that

Speaker 31155.18s - 1155.68s

because it's like,

Speaker 11155.76s - 1156.26s

that's the thing.

Speaker 41156.34s - 1157.74s

So they have to take metal off of you

Speaker 11157.74s - 1158.74s

to put you in the thing.

Speaker 01158.82s - 1159.1s

Okay.

Speaker 41159.22s - 1160.42s

Because you can't have metal in the MRI.

Speaker 11160.66s - 1161.04s

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 41161.12s - 1163.78s

And then they're like, okay, it's not,

Speaker 11164.28s - 1166.72s

it's just like compressed and fractured. It's not

Speaker 51166.72s - 1173.38s

shattered. So like try walking. And then I remember walking was like incredibly painful. And then

Speaker 41173.38s - 1179.72s

it was just like a year and a half where I couldn't run at all or like walk quickly. I had to like

Speaker 31179.72s - 1185.22s

walk slowly as like a seventh grader or a sixth grader or something. So no gym class.

Speaker 41185.38s - 1186.58s

Stroll, you know?

Speaker 31186.72s - 1186.92s

Yeah.

Speaker 41186.98s - 1187.1s

Yeah.

Speaker 11187.1s - 1190.38s

No, I would just sit up in the balcony at gym class and just watch them.

Speaker 01190.46s - 1190.94s

Watch everybody?

Speaker 11191.12s - 1191.4s

Yeah.

Speaker 31191.52s - 1192.06s

That's sad.

Speaker 41192.18s - 1193.58s

Just like a little fucking nerd.

Speaker 31193.66s - 1194.1s

But that's it.

Speaker 41194.14s - 1194.86s

They didn't have to do anything.

Speaker 11194.94s - 1195.54s

No surgery.

Speaker 41195.86s - 1196.18s

No.

Speaker 11196.34s - 1202.86s

But it's like pretty much a like a constant. It'll be like a lifelong problem. It's a lifelong problem.

Speaker 41202.86s - 1203.24s

Oh really?

Speaker 11203.44s - 1214.98s

So now you still get like, deep distress and stuff? I, you know, I don't do it enough. And then it hit me, I was surfing in, when I'm like early 20s and like just turned. And it was like, oh, oh.

Speaker 21215.28s - 1216.64s

And then, yeah.

Speaker 01216.78s - 1221.06s

And so there was like a lot of acupuncture and then yoga to like just get over it.

Speaker 11221.14s - 1221.92s

Can't be doing yoga.

Speaker 21222.3s - 1223.82s

I can't do it.

Speaker 41223.86s - 1224.82s

It's just so long.

Speaker 11225.02s - 1226.9s

I want to make a yoga for regular people.

Speaker 41227.12s - 1227.24s

Why?

Speaker 11227.4s - 1227.56s

Yeah.

Speaker 41227.76s - 1230s

I want to walk in in an oversized metallity t-shirt.

Speaker 11230.1s - 1230.74s

20 minutes.

Speaker 41230.86s - 1234.34s

20 minutes. I don't want anyone in situ clothes. I'm too self-conscious.

Speaker 11234.44s - 1243.26s

My friend's like, let's go to yoga. I'm like, so you can look at those fucking tight asses and those perky nipples. I don't fucking think so. You go on your own where I can't fucking see it. I want to have a slob yoga class.

Speaker 21243.34s - 1246.44s

Yeah. I want a meat stick on the way in. I love that. I want meat sticks on the way out. Double meat sticks. Two butt holes are out where I can't fucking see it. I want to have a slob yoga class. Yeah. I want a meat stick on the way in. I love that. I want meat sticks on the way out.

Speaker 11246.88s - 1247.78s

Double meat sticks.

Speaker 21248.28s - 1249.2s

Two butt holes are out.

Speaker 01249.58s - 1252.42s

I don't want this whole. Everyone's so. I can't.

Speaker 11252.5s - 1254.88s

I just don't like how that it's fucking an hour and a half.

Speaker 41255.02s - 1257.52s

It's just like, where are we?

Speaker 11257.52s - 1257.92s

What are we doing here?

Speaker 41258.72s - 1260.72s

You know, you guys don't have to do anything.

Speaker 11261.02s - 1262.66s

You don't have to make a living in your life.

Speaker 41262.76s - 1265.6s

You have a 90 minutes to go to a fucking exercise class. Isn't that crazy?

Speaker 11265.96s - 1268.04s

It's amazing people have to jam for like two hours. I'm like, I don't

Speaker 41268.04s - 1269.5s

have time for two hours. It's insane.

Speaker 11269.5s - 1271.86s

45 to one hour is the allotted time.

Speaker 21272.12s - 1274.12s

They don't have clips to edit. You guys

Speaker 41274.12s - 1276s

don't have, you don't have stand-up clips, you have to

Speaker 21276s - 1279.64s

caption and then want to kill yourself? You don't have to do that for 12 hours a day?

Speaker 41279.98s - 1290.4s

It takes up so much time. It takes them so much time. It's so crazy. You don't have to watch hours of your own crowd work that's dog shit and then put on the internet. It's killing me. I don't get how people have so much time.

Speaker 11290.56s - 1295.92s

And then you just feel like their Instagram ORG is this as like goblin sitting in the corner like, more.

Speaker 41297.12s - 1301.94s

More, more, more. Edit me more clicks. It's exactly what it is. It's disgusting.

Speaker 11302.08s - 1305.18s

It's disgusting. And then it's like, and then I will change the algorithm on you

Speaker 41305.18s - 1314.48s

and something suddenly will stop working and you won't know. And they won't know. Or I just posted a stupid video yesterday of me doing a joke video

Speaker 11314.48s - 1315.94s

with the Blue Man Group

Speaker 41315.94s - 1318.94s

where I got stood up by the Blue Man Group ORG.

Speaker 11318.94s - 1319.32s

That's exciting.

Speaker 21319.52s - 1320.04s

It's a joke.

Speaker 11320.24s - 1320.4s

Yeah.

Speaker 21320.46s - 1322.84s

People, four guys DM me and ask me out,

Speaker 01322.94s - 1323.6s

oh, you're single now.

Speaker 41324.28s - 1324.98s

Single now. What?

Speaker 11325.6s - 1328.52s

I'm sorry. They were dating the Blue Man'm PERSON sorry they think I was dating the blue man group

Speaker 01328.52s - 1335.6s

all three of them and I'm like all I do is my boyfriend nonstop because I have so many creeps and then I of the three women would comment like I can't believe you broke up Jefferson

Speaker 21335.6s - 1337.52s

it's a joke

Speaker 41337.52s - 1340.88s

you think I win on a date with three

Speaker 21340.88s - 1347.88s

blue men they're alien they don't talk they don't even blame. Their mouths are filled with whipped,

Speaker 41348.04s - 1350.16s

with cream cheese.

Speaker 21350.16s - 1351.1s

Yeah, literally cream cheese.

Speaker 11351.3s - 1353.08s

Also, one of my best friends is a blue man.

Speaker 21353.44s - 1354.92s

So it was him who got me into do his video.

Speaker 01355.1s - 1355.82s

It was insane.

Speaker 11355.92s - 1365.88s

The whole thing was, I was like, I can't handle how. And I did this video, these gym videos where I'm like, I'm a creepy girl in the gym and be like, where is this gym? I want to see her. It's obviously a joke. Yeah. I can't. I can't be doing anything anymore. I'm over it. I'm like, I'm a creepy girl at the gym and be like, where is this gym? I want to see her. It's obviously a joke.Yeah.

Speaker 41366.42s - 1367s

I can't.

Speaker 11367.46s - 1373.18s

I can't be doing anything anymore. I'm over it. I'm over. Wait, so you broke your back. Let's get back to the things. Oh, yeah, I broke my back.Surfing.

Speaker 41373.22s - 1377.72s

You surf a lot. Do you not get hurt out there? No, I don't know.

Speaker 11377.76s - 1386s

I've never really, yeah, other than cutting my feet, which I've done a lot. I don't really get hurt surfing.

Speaker 41386s - 1390.12s

Okay, so when you're wiping out after a, you're not down there scrambling around.

Speaker 11390.22s - 1398.64s

Like, what's down there? That's my worry about surfing. It really depends. It depends on what the beach is. You know, like most of the places I surf in L.A. GPE, it's like a rock reef. So it's like cobblestones.

Speaker 41399.02s - 1405s

But they're, you know, unless it's like, you know, a specific break where it's super low tidy,

Speaker 11405.34s - 1406.8s

then you're like close to the rocks.

Speaker 31406.98s - 1412.14s

But you're for the most part. Like, and when the wave comes in, it raises the water level. So you're farther away.

Speaker 51412.26s - 1412.54s

Okay.

Speaker 31412.72s - 1418.62s

But also at the same time, a dude who was foiling up near Ventura GPE, like, just died recently.

Speaker 11419.08s - 1420.42s

Like maybe a year ago.

Speaker 51420.42s - 1427.08s

Yeah, he just kind of, it was, yeah, he just went head first over and hit a rock and just like, boom, instant.

Speaker 41427.08s - 1428.04s

You know what I picture?

Speaker 11428.04s - 1429.04s

What?

Speaker 41429.04s - 1433s

Do you know the scene of me, myself, and Irene PERSON where he fell off the bridge and then his head, like, hits the rock in the water?

Speaker 11433s - 1434s

Very specific references.

Speaker 41434s - 1435s

It is very.

Speaker 11435s - 1438s

If you haven't seen that movie, you're not going to know what they're talking about.

Speaker 31438s - 1440s

That's what I picture when people surf.

Speaker 11440s - 1442s

It's like a slow motion of the head hitting the rock.

Speaker 31442s - 1449.42s

That's always, but also I think that shot is in a lot of surf movies where it's like slow motion and then you like hit like a reef or something like that.

Speaker 41449.42s - 1451.8s

Why do you slow it down all the time and make it seem as an impact?

Speaker 11452.02s - 1452.2s

Yeah.

Speaker 41452.48s - 1453.32s

So you never, that's it.

Speaker 11453.62s - 1461.64s

I mean, like I've been bounced off of like a beach break, which is sand, you know, and like it hurts your back or your butt a little bit.

Speaker 41461.72s - 1463.56s

But it's not like a real injury.

Speaker 11463.82s - 1463.96s

Okay.

Speaker 41464.6s - 1466.4s

No, are you not seeing sharks out there?

Speaker 11467.2s - 1467.54s

Oh yeah.

Speaker 41468.2s - 1468.64s

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11469.48s - 1470.74s

Well, I mean, like, especially...

Speaker 41470.74s - 1471.4s

Casual come.

Speaker 11472.28s - 1473.4s

See you later, sharky.

Speaker 41473.96s - 1479.44s

In Rockaway, I used to surf Rockaway Queens for many years, and I remember seeing a shark,

Speaker 11479.66s - 1482.12s

like, literally jump out of the water after a fish.

Speaker 41482.42s - 1485.12s

So it, like, cleared its body, like, cleared and came back down.

Speaker 11485.16s - 1485.94s

But it wasn't big.

Speaker 41485.98s - 1487.16s

It was only like this big.

Speaker 11487.56s - 1489.12s

That doesn't scare you at all.

Speaker 41489.84s - 1498.54s

No, because here's something I think that is a very reassuring fact is that sharks are

Speaker 11498.54s - 1506.4s

always, whenever you go into the ocean, sharks are nearby and they never, ever touch you. They never have anything to do with you.

Speaker 51506.62s - 1507.36s

I don't love that.

Speaker 11509.32s - 1515.56s

I think it's reassuring the fact that every time you've ever gone in the ocean, a shark was nearby, and you've never seen one.

Speaker 41516.48s - 1522.56s

Well, this is, I don't love this. I'm just picturing this time that I was on mushrooms in the water for like three hours,

Speaker 51522.64s - 1525.46s

just jumping into the waves, just having a blast, just knowing the three sharks,

Speaker 11525.54s - 1527.12s

like, what the fuck is bitch's problem?

Speaker 51527.6s - 1528.54s

That's crazy.

Speaker 11528.64s - 1530.32s

Yeah, there's like this guy,

Speaker 51531.04s - 1533.2s

Malibu artist, I think is his name on Instagram ORG,

Speaker 11533.44s - 1536.6s

who just shoots with drones over like beach breaks

Speaker 51536.6s - 1538.78s

and just shows over and over again

Speaker 11538.78s - 1540.7s

massive schools of sharks,

Speaker 41540.7s - 1544.38s

maybe like 30 feet from all these swimmers all the time.

Speaker 11545.34s - 1546.44s

And it's like constant.

Speaker 41547.42s - 1549.42s

So yeah, so I don't worry about it.

Speaker 11549.68s - 1550.7s

How close do they come to you?

Speaker 41551.2s - 1552.2s

Oh, you don't like constant.

Speaker 11552.34s - 1554.3s

I've seen a shark jump out once

Speaker 41554.3s - 1555.96s

and then I just know that they're there

Speaker 11555.96s - 1558.3s

because they're always like in videos

Speaker 41558.3s - 1558.82s

and stuff like that.

Speaker 11558.86s - 1560.42s

But you see like dolphins all the time.

Speaker 41560.52s - 1561.44s

You see seals all the time.

Speaker 11561.44s - 1562.08s

Dolevens PERSON, they come up?

Speaker 41562.48s - 1564.5s

I used to see them come out of the thing and you pay the seals.

Speaker 11564.76s - 1576.14s

Yeah, seals definitely come up. They'll like, they them. They're coming out of the thing and you're paying the seals. Yeah, seals definitely come up. They'll like, they'll just, and that scares the shit out of you. Because you're just, you're just like sitting there and all of a sudden it's like, and you're like, ah! It's just this fucking dog.

Speaker 41576.14s - 1586.72s

Weird little bald dog. Yeah. They're so slippy. They are very slippy. Yeah, yeah. They stink.Do they? Oh, they freak. Have you ever been to like Seal Beach When you're driving the coast?

Speaker 11586.92s - 1587.24s

No

Speaker 41587.24s - 1590.68s

I don't know why SEALs NORP make me laugh Harder than most comedians

Speaker 11590.68s - 1591.3s

They really do

Speaker 41591.3s - 1606.96s

They are so When they make those sounds And the way that they walk around Just like They're bizarre They're the guy with the burnt lipsThey are disgust They're so gross They reek though There's just one Seal Beach GPE That I drove by, and it was like, I was gagging.

Speaker 11607.18s - 1618.38s

There's one. There's one up near the, whatever, the big house, Hurst Castle FAC. There's one where they're just elephant nose seals.

Speaker 21618.38s - 1619.36s

Oh, those are sick.

Speaker 41619.78s - 1621.86s

That's the most disgusting one.

Speaker 11622s - 1622.94s

What is that?

Speaker 41623.02s - 1623.9s

It's like a.

Speaker 11624.18s - 1626.32s

It's like a snuffalo up, but like shrunk a bit.

Speaker 41626.4s - 1629.7s

It's like Gonzo PERSON-style nose, but fat and dicky.

Speaker 11630.7s - 1631.44s

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 41631.62s - 1633.4s

It's like a fat, uncircumcised cock.

Speaker 11633.48s - 1638.26s

A fat Italian NORP uncircumcised dick just glued to their face. And they're just laying around like...

Speaker 41638.26s - 1642.54s

They can't breathe. They have a dick on my nose.

Speaker 11643.24s - 1648.02s

And they can't suck it. They can't do anything with it. It's disgusting. It's so disgusting. Okay, wait.

Speaker 41648.08s - 1649.08s

What's your other?

Speaker 11649.08s - 1654.82s

Other one is recent that I had heat stroke.

Speaker 21655.28s - 1655.76s

Heat stroke.

Speaker 11655.86s - 1659.68s

Yeah, yeah, yeah. On a hike by myself. Oh.

Speaker 21660.08s - 1664.94s

And so I had gone, it was actually, I was trying to get out early.

Speaker 11664.94s - 1672.88s

It was a summertime and I wanted to try this new hike. And so I was like, my plan was drop the kids off and immediately get out there so I could avoid like the main heat of the day.

Speaker 01673.24s - 1678.5s

But then my wife and I got to an argument and I ended up staying longer than I intended to.

Speaker 51678.6s - 1679.36s

And so then I got out.

Speaker 01679.36s - 1681.48s

I say that only because I blamed her the entire time.

Speaker 31682.4s - 1683.32s

Now they do with her at all.

Speaker 51683.36s - 1683.68s

Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 11684.52s - 1688.28s

And so I get out and I'm like, you know, I have water.

Speaker 31688.48s - 1689.3s

I have food.

Speaker 11689.48s - 1695.48s

I have like electrolytes. I have my hat and everything. I have a GPS thing that like I can call.

Speaker 41695.86s - 1703.72s

I am like, I'm a dad. In the Angeles National Forest LOC. Oh, okay. I take all that stuff because it's like. Griffith GPE, you loser.

Speaker 11704.68s - 1707.02s

There's no cell service or anything like that.

Speaker 41707.14s - 1707.54s

Okay.

Speaker 11707.76s - 1709.64s

And it's like pretty remote where I like to go.

Speaker 41710.36s - 1711.6s

And because it was a new trail,

Speaker 31711.74s - 1713.02s

I didn't know it or anything like that.

Speaker 11713.42s - 1720.76s

So then I know I'm hiking down to a river. So I'm like, if it's hot, it's okay. There's going to be a river down here. Splash around.

Speaker 41720.86s - 1724.44s

Yeah, put your balls in the water. You do that.

Speaker 11724.52s - 1725s

You're cool.

Speaker 41725.42s - 1726.74s

You get to eliminate heat stroke.

Speaker 11727.94s - 1738.88s

And so I hiked down and I got there and I like went swim in and it was very pleasant. And then I tried to like hike some more. And then I just started feeling a little weird, you know. And then I came down and I got in the water again.

Speaker 51739.06s - 1744.2s

But I just didn't. I didn't stay in the water long enough, which is, was my mistake, I think.

Speaker 41744.28s - 1744.98s

Were you sweating?

Speaker 11745.36s - 1747.96s

Oh, so much. But I was also drinking a lot of water long enough, which was my mistake, I think. Were you sweating? Oh, so much. But I was also drinking a lot of water.

Speaker 41748.04s - 1757.82s

Okay, okay. And then I ate some food in the shade, and it was really, really hot. And then I, like, got in the water again. I just felt, like, not good. And I was like, I got to get out of here.

Speaker 51757.88s - 1758.6s

Oh, no.

Speaker 11758.6s - 1762.28s

So then I start hiking back out, and it's all uphill to get out because I, like,

Speaker 51762.32s - 1763.44s

hiked down into this canyon.

Speaker 11764.1s - 1772.88s

And it was probably, like, maybe two hours to hike out. Oh, God. And I just eventually got to the point where like I could walk for

Speaker 51772.88s - 1779.38s

about five minutes. And there was no coverage, you know, so it was just like white rock, like gravel,

Speaker 41779.54s - 1782.92s

no people. No one's around for miles because it's so hot. No one's going out hiking at this time. No one's around for miles because it's so hot.

Speaker 11784.56s - 1785.6s

No one's going out hiking at this time.

Speaker 51788.98s - 1789.28s

And there's just like little, the only thing that's there is like little bushes,

Speaker 41792.02s - 1792.58s

like little sad chaparral bushes.

Speaker 11797.32s - 1797.44s

So like every five minutes I would get laid down underneath a bush.

Speaker 01798.66s - 1798.9s

Oh my God.

Speaker 41799.88s - 1800.06s

And like pass out.

Speaker 01800.78s - 1800.9s

Oh my God.

Speaker 11806.06s - 1806.18s

And like sleep for like two or three minutes and then wake up and be like, I gotta keep going.

Speaker 01806.52s - 1806.66s

You know.

Speaker 11808.04s - 1808.12s

And then like walk for five.

Speaker 41809.58s - 1809.92s

And it took me so.

Speaker 11819.28s - 1819.4s

And I kept thinking like that at that moment of like like at what point do I hit the button and like call an airlift in to like get me out.

Speaker 41819.84s - 1820.22s

Because I have a.

Speaker 11820.96s - 1821.06s

That's what it does.

Speaker 01821.94s - 1822.02s

You have one button.

Speaker 21825.58s - 1827.62s

And it's like if you have a heart like I have it just in case I have a heart attack or something, I can hit a button and get airlifted out.

Speaker 11828.06s - 1833.02s

And I'm like, I don't want to spend $60,000 to get out of here.

Speaker 51833.84s - 1835.92s

Like I don't know how much an airplane costs.

Speaker 11836.28s - 1836.72s

Like what?

Speaker 51836.94s - 1839.32s

An ambulance is like $12,000 or something, right?

Speaker 21839.82s - 1841.52s

A helicopter must be real a lot.

Speaker 11841.68s - 1842.44s

My God.

Speaker 21842.44s - 1844.66s

So I just made it out.

Speaker 11844.7s - 1849s

And then when I got to the car, it was like 115 on like the car thing.

Speaker 41849s - 1852.36s

So it's probably, it wasn't that hot. Did you sleep in the car or did you start driving?

Speaker 11852.54s - 1861.04s

No, of course I get in the car on the car. It's like 200 degrees inside. So I just like turn the air conditioning on. And I'm just, they can't touch the steering wheel because it's so hot.

Speaker 41861.38s - 1864.34s

And then I just had to start driving, like feeling crazy.

Speaker 11864.52s - 1865.26s

You always felt delusional. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. And then I just had to start driving, like feeling crazy. You always felt delusional.

Speaker 41865.38s - 1865.76s

Oh, yeah.

Speaker 11865.76s - 1878.88s

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. And then I got home and just like fell into the pool fully clothed and just like got my temperature down. And then I've gotten to bed and slept for like two hours. Jeez.

Speaker 41879.02s - 1879.1s

Yeah.

Speaker 11879.1s - 1885s

With your wife like, what the hell? Which is like the longest hike on the planet? Yeah, yeah. She's always just like, why the fuck do you have to go?

Speaker 41885.56s - 1887.22s

Why do you have to go out there

Speaker 11887.22s - 1888.84s

and hike into like wilderness?

Speaker 41889.02s - 1894.94s

And I'm like, that's what I like. That's what I like. Are you wearing headphones when you're doing this? No.Just your thoughts in the world.

Speaker 11895.14s - 1898.02s

Yeah, no, I prefer that. Okay.

Speaker 41898.32s - 1899.02s

Because also, like,

Speaker 11899.06s - 1900.86s

I don't know. I want to be aware of like,

Speaker 41901.52s - 1902.34s

something's coming

Speaker 11902.34s - 1905.16s

or something's around the bend or, you know, hear things. I guess I should do that. I feel like, now I was, I around the bend or you know hear things.

Speaker 41905.26s - 1914.98s

I guess I should do that. I feel I know I was I was going to ask you where this hike was but I'm like, no, now I'm terrified. I'm trying to find like longer hikes for my dog and stuff but I'm like I just do like up Griffith and down.

Speaker 11915.04s - 1922s

Yeah. I'm like, again, 45 minutes. Who's got the time? Who's got the time? I've got the time. I have to, and I don't get to do it that often.

Speaker 41922.1s - 1929.66s

And when I do, you know, I almost die. That's fucking terrifying. Was that the scare, like the most scare you've ever been, like, by yourself? Was something like that?

Speaker 11930.76s - 1932.74s

Like close to death, meaning.

Speaker 41933.2s - 1936.66s

And I don't think I was close to death, but I could have been, you know.

Speaker 11936.66s - 1938.08s

That's a lot of nap for-

Speaker 41938.08s - 1938.98s

It's a lot of naps.

Speaker 11939.18s - 1939.62s

It's a lot of.

Speaker 41939.62s - 1942.18s

Yeah, that seems like close to death to me.

Speaker 11942.52s - 1951.92s

You keep stopping and, like, regenerating your energy? That's nuts. There was another. Be barfing too? No, I never threw up. And that's like once you, I figured if I start throwing up, then I have to call that button.

Speaker 41952.04s - 1952.2s

Yeah.

Speaker 51952.22s - 1952.52s

You know?

Speaker 41953.72s - 1954.52s

Call the button.

Speaker 51954.62s - 1967.58s

That's what I call it. Call the button. The only other time I think closest to that was I was surfing and I had been out on a long board and it was getting a little bigger.

Speaker 11968.12s - 1979.76s

And so I was like, oh, I'm going to go switch out to my shortboard. And I came in because I had a bungalow in Rockway GPE. That was like a quarter mile from the beach that I shared with like 10 surfers. We all paid like 100 bucks a month.

Speaker 51979.82s - 1986.1s

It was fucking heaven. And so we all had our boards there and everything. So I switched out my board, but then I got a call from work.

Speaker 11986.2s - 1990.38s

I was working as a, I was an IT guy actually at the time.

Speaker 41990.38s - 1995.76s

Well, here you go. It's all coming full circle. You act like you're not one of them, but you are.

Speaker 11997.32s - 2010.06s

And then I didn't realize that the phone call had lasted like 20 minutes. And I just thought it was like a shorter phone call. So then when I walked out, I just didn't check the conditions. And you're supposed to always sit and watch for a while before you go out.

Speaker 52010.14s - 2015.16s

So you know exactly what you're getting into. And I just didn't because I was like, I was just out there.

Speaker 12015.26s - 2053.06s

And so I just kind of like, and the way you would always get out when it was getting bigger was you would go on the left side of the jetty. And there's kind of like this conveyor belt of water that pulls you out and around the jetty. So it pulls you around the rocks and then puts you in position in the lineup on the other side of the jetty. And so I'm getting sucked out, little paddles, and then I all of a sudden notice that it has jumped up in size like significantly, like a lot. So it's probably like six or seven foot and I get pulled out in front of the rocks and then this huge set comes in and like all the water drains off the rocks.

Speaker 32053.06s - 2066.48s

Oh, God. And it's just this wall like this seven foot wall of water and directly behind me are just jagged black rocks. And I just was like, oh. And it was just a, you know, it was before it had broken, so it was just like this.

Speaker 12066.84s - 2085.18s

And so I just kind of like pushed down, like just duck dive into the wave. And it broke on me. But the, like, I just had enough. Because I had pushed through just a little bit, I had enough water that came and hit the rocks so that I just, it kind of makes like a pillow of water on the rocks.

Speaker 02089.18s - 2089.82s

So I just kind of rolled over rocks on water.

Speaker 22090.26s - 2091.06s

It was crazy.

Speaker 02092.46s - 2092.52s

Well, the board was like flopping around with you?

Speaker 22093.84s - 2094.14s

Destroyed, destroyed.

Speaker 42095s - 2103.34s

Jesus. Yeah, yeah. So that was the only, but that was just like a split second. Like, oh, I'm going to die. And then I was like, oh, I'm not going to die.But I'm going to get out. Have you ever been in like a riptide? Those are fucked.

Speaker 12103.38s - 2104.12s

Yeah, all the time.

Speaker 42104.18s - 2104.76s

All the time?

Speaker 12104.9s - 2105.28s

Yeah, yeah. I guess they're more safe if you're on the board. I saw someone get sucked out. Have you ever been in like a riptide? Those are fucked. Yeah, all the time. All the time? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 42105.62s - 2108.8s

I guess they're more safe if you're on the board. I saw something get sucked out.

Speaker 12109.1s - 2111.18s

Oh, yeah. It's terrifying.

Speaker 42111.62s - 2117.72s

Yeah, you have to go sideways. Yes, that's why you know. So that's, that's something that like, I guess there should be signs at the beach.

Speaker 12117.88s - 2126.68s

They're in, in Jersey and in New York GPE, there are signs. And they show how the riptides work, that they work kind of like in circles. So you just have to get sideways.

Speaker 42126.96s - 2129.42s

Yeah. Because this girl kept being sucked out and sucked out. That's crazy.

Speaker 12129.58s - 2133.28s

And I know, and then I've had to go get her. Really? Oh, yeah. Was she screaming?

Speaker 42133.48s - 2135.4s

Oh, yeah. But you couldn't be a hero because she was so far out.

Speaker 12135.48s - 2140.3s

Holy shit. She got that. Wow. We were all like, Jesus Christ. That's crazy.

Speaker 42140.62s - 2142.92s

And at Zuma GPE, too. You don't even expect. Zoom.

Speaker 52143.16s - 2143.96s

I didn't realize.

Speaker 42144.16s - 2146.52s

Is the water gross out there in New York GPE or something out there?

Speaker 52146.94s - 2147.32s

No.

Speaker 12147.58s - 2148.32s

Oh. Mm-mm.

Speaker 42148.5s - 2149.78s

It's like gray.

Speaker 52150.42s - 2151.62s

Yeah, it's just the qua.

Speaker 12151.62s - 2152.52s

It's like greenish.

Speaker 42152.78s - 2155.92s

You know, it's like greenish gray. It used to be when I was a kid, it was dirty.

Speaker 12156.46s - 2157.78s

So you serve all from McKinette GPE?

Speaker 52157.96s - 2161.62s

Yeah. What? Because. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's because it was all New York GPE.

Speaker 22162s - 2170.68s

New York GPE would dump their shit and literally it would just come over and then go to Jersey GPE. But that all really got cleaned up in like the 90s and the early 2000s.

Speaker 42170.8s - 2173.76s

Because I said one Seinfeld episode where there's swimming with the bodies.

Speaker 12174.12s - 2178.32s

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's what I think about. Yeah, I picture there's surfing around with the bodies. It's better.

Speaker 42178.48s - 2180.58s

I get all my information from Seinfeld.

Speaker 12180.7s - 2183.84s

Yeah, I take everything I've ever learned from Seinfeld.

Speaker 42183.98s - 2184.94s

It's a good place.

Speaker 12185.24s - 2188.54s

I want to get to the worst body story you've ever heard.

Speaker 42189.04s - 2193.66s

This was, I mean, this is just something that stuck with me because that's what you said.

Speaker 12193.76s - 2195.22s

Something that's like you think about a lot.

Speaker 32195.22s - 2199.58s

I was on a date probably, I don't know, 15 years ago.

Speaker 02199.7s - 2200.4s

We're in Brooklyn GPE.

Speaker 22200.96s - 2202.46s

We're in Prospect Park LOC.

Speaker 32203.3s - 2206.04s

It was like, I guess it was, I don't know, it was

Speaker 22206.04s - 2211.62s

an afternoon date. I think we're drinking in the park maybe at 5 p.m. or something.

Speaker 02211.72s - 2216.8s

Sounds like a good date. It's a good day. We're just having some wine and sitting on and chatting.

Speaker 42217.72s - 2227.38s

And like maybe, I don't know, like 100 yards away from us is a path like through prospect park but the path is paved

Speaker 12227.38s - 2234.52s

but it's paved with that like like hundred year old asphalt that's like you know how it's pokey

Speaker 42234.52s - 2240.14s

you know it's like the rocks are like really sticking out yeah and we're just sitting there chatting

Speaker 12240.14s - 2245.02s

and then we watch this kid I don't't know, seven, six, seven.

Speaker 52245.32s - 2247.08s

And he's on a razor scooter.

Speaker 42248.06s - 2249.84s

And his parents are there.

Speaker 52249.96s - 2252.8s

And then he zooms down this hill and it's a big hill.

Speaker 12252.98s - 2254.02s

And we're watching it.

Speaker 42254.06s - 2256.44s

And both of us are like, that seems too fast.

Speaker 12256.68s - 2258.5s

And then he starts getting the wobbles.

Speaker 32258.88s - 2260.4s

And then just goes, boom.

Speaker 12260.44s - 2261.46s

And we watch him.

Speaker 02261.64s - 2267.16s

And it's just immediate. He hits his whole face inside of his body

Speaker 52267.16s - 2277.44s

hit and and then he's got a lot of speed and just keep going on that like awful awful asphalt

Speaker 12277.44s - 2284.86s

no helmet but it was he didn't hit his head it was like his whole body took it and it was

Speaker 52284.86s - 2286.74s

so bad that we were like, oh.

Speaker 12287.32s - 2290.54s

Like, you know how that that feeling that you get in your stomach?

Speaker 52290.78s - 2293.1s

Were you viscerally like, oh my God.

Speaker 12293.18s - 2294.46s

Yeah, you're going to almost like vomit.

Speaker 42295.4s - 2298.72s

And we just got up and left because we couldn't like watch what it was going to be.

Speaker 12298.72s - 2300.34s

I thank God he was like, and then we stayed there.

Speaker 42300.42s - 2301.18s

We started breaking out.

Speaker 12301.28s - 2302.1s

And we jerked off.

Speaker 32303.54s - 2307.64s

And I was like, I just want to see his butthole just before I leave. I need to see it.

Speaker 42307.8s - 2308.64s

Before we go.

Speaker 22308.88s - 2309.56s

Before we go.

Speaker 32309.76s - 2310.62s

I didn't see if it's still okay.

Speaker 42311.66s - 2314.78s

That he must have had. He must have been scarred for life.

Speaker 12314.84s - 2315.4s

I think so.

Speaker 42315.78s - 2316.74s

There's no way you wouldn't.

Speaker 12316.86s - 2318.26s

I don't think so. It was.

Speaker 42318.26s - 2319.9s

Because that's so dirty too.

Speaker 12320.1s - 2327.12s

It's so dirty. I still have a scar from falling on that same asphalt. It's like here from skating.

Speaker 42327.52s - 2337.36s

I mean, I was skateboarding, and then I slipped on just some sand, and the sand and the grit got in there. And it was a scar for 20 years. Yeah. Yeah.Oh, God.

Speaker 12337.52s - 2347.7s

The chunks of rock getting in there, too, like, that's the problem. I mean, like, we literally watched a life-changing moment for, like, a seven-year-old boy.

Speaker 42347.7s - 2348.44s

Did you come cry?

Speaker 12348.9s - 2350.96s

No, we were far enough away that we didn't hear it.

Speaker 42351.12s - 2357.56s

And we just got up and, like, got out of there. No helmet. His parents must have been like, what the fuck? I don't know.

Speaker 12357.62s - 2362.38s

This was 2003 or two.

Speaker 42362.38s - 2369.88s

What the heck? My dad in the fucking, I always wear that helmet, the big fat white egg helmet. I mean, the second I go around the corner I'd take it off.

Speaker 12369.88s - 2373.64s

I mean, my parents, my parents, I mean, my kids do too. My kids wear helmets.

Speaker 42373.84s - 2377.54s

Yeah, I mean, I have a long board. I keep telling myself, I'm going to start up again.

Speaker 12377.82s - 2378.62s

Uh-huh. It's not going to happen.

Speaker 42379.82s - 2382.72s

Uh, because, and I put the helmet on, when I go on that,

Speaker 12382.84s - 2387.82s

yeah, and I like a loser. And I, when I bike around the city, helmet, helmet head. Oh, yeah. Do you, do you bike? I, not helmet on When I go on that And I'm a loser And I bike around the city Helmet Helmet HeadOh yeah Do you bike?

Speaker 42388.54s - 2390.64s

Not as much as I used to

Speaker 12390.64s - 2392.38s

When I feel like I had no car So I biked everywhere

Speaker 42392.38s - 2393.02s

Oh really?

Speaker 12393.02s - 2393.46s

Oh yeah

Speaker 42393.46s - 2403.6s

And so because I've always It's a nightmare I always feel like L.A. GPE is kind of a hard city for biking Because I used to bikeIn New York GPE all the time And I have never biked in L.A. It depends. What area are you in?

Speaker 12403.96s - 2404.5s

At water.

Speaker 42404.76s - 2406.44s

Okay. Yeah, you could have a little bit out there.

Speaker 12406.6s - 2412.62s

Yeah. I'm right in East Hollywood LOC. So it's like I'm, that Fountain Street FAC says it shares with bikes. It doesn't really. It doesn't really.Don't give a shit.

Speaker 42412.72s - 2415.38s

And the problem is the L.A. It's the L.A. GPE drivers.

Speaker 12415.46s - 2419.52s

That's what I think. Yeah. They're really bad. And they don't look for bikes. They don't.

Speaker 42419.62s - 2426.64s

They have no awareness of human beings other than cars. I bike sometimes in Silver Lake in Echo Park GPE because there's a bike lane.

Speaker 12426.76s - 2426.92s

Yeah.

Speaker 42427.08s - 2428.02s

No. Yeah.

Speaker 12428.02s - 2429.3s

The amount of doors that's swinging open.

Speaker 42429.4s - 2430.84s

I'm just ringing my, I yell.

Speaker 12431.26s - 2431.64s

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 42431.64s - 2436.4s

Because I watch now, I see those heads, like, coming around. I, like, I'm so hyper-aware.

Speaker 12436.58s - 2439.44s

Yeah. Otherwise, I would have been fucking smoked. Ugh.

Speaker 42439.64s - 2440.22s

I avoid it.

Speaker 12440.32s - 2442.42s

I got, I, have you been doored before?

Speaker 42443.12s - 2444.58s

No, almost. Very close.

Speaker 12444.76s - 2445.24s

I have been doored. Oh, yeah, yeah. Is you go throughored before? No, almost very close. I have been

Speaker 42445.24s - 2454.26s

doored. Oh yeah, yeah. Do you go through or over? No, I went. It was so this was, so I had convinced when I worked as an IT guy. I worked as an IT guy for eight years and I had convinced

Speaker 12454.26s - 2463.44s

them that they needed to do video. This is like 2001 or something and I convinced them that

Speaker 32463.44s - 2487.4s

they needed to do video interviews because it was a staffing agency so to have it up because I really wanted a video camera to like shoot sketches and um and so I got them to buy this like $3,000 camera and I was like using it ever I was using it they used it like twice for their fucking company and I so funny. And so I was biking and I had it in my bag.

Speaker 12487.72s - 2492.42s

And the way I would travel with is that I was just wrap it up in a t-shirt and put it in my backpack. Classic.

Speaker 32492.66s - 2493.64s

And I was riding.

Speaker 12494.26s - 2502.9s

And some dude opened the door and it was like in between, I hit the door in between like my two, like middle fingers.

Speaker 52503.4s - 2505.14s

And so it spun the wheel.

Speaker 02505.42s - 2515s

And then I just got launched. And I literally landed on my back on the camera and broke it in half.

Speaker 12515.66s - 2518s

And so it actually took up most of the thing.

Speaker 02518.24s - 2530.02s

Yeah. And then the next day I brought it, I put it, put it like pushed it together and put it back in the box it came in. And then put it away to the side it came in and then put it away to the side. And to this day, no one is that, it never was mentioned.

Speaker 32530.18s - 2532.36s

No one ever tried to get that camera out again.

Speaker 12532.9s - 2534.4s

Oh, $3,000 camera.

Speaker 32534.62s - 2535.1s

My God.

Speaker 42535.52s - 2537.52s

They're going to see this podcast and be like, what?

Speaker 12538.04s - 2538.96s

Access staffing.

Speaker 42539.58s - 2547.04s

I'll name all the names of that place. I'll name every name. He's not scared. That's fucked. That definitely probably broke your fault too.

Speaker 12547.2s - 2554.76s

Yeah, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw a girl at door in Toronto and I've seen people almost adore it out here,but I'm like, I just, I'm very, I don't know, I have biked.

Speaker 42555.34s - 2557.8s

I use a bike blockout. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 12557.92s - 2559.7s

So bad where I'd wake up in the morning and go,

Speaker 42560.4s - 2565.64s

fuck, where'd I'd leave my bike last night? And then I go out and it was like, on my back porch, I'm like, oh, shit. I biked it last night. Uh-oh. And I'd leave my bike last night and then I go out and it's like on my back porch I'm like oh shit

Speaker 22565.64s - 2567.8s

I biked it last night

Speaker 12567.8s - 2570.2s

and I'd always in my headphones on

Speaker 22570.2s - 2571.74s

blaring I used to a CD player

Speaker 52571.74s - 2573.2s

I got hit once and I

Speaker 22573.2s - 2576.38s

it was so pissed on Blue Street actually where in the comedy bars

Speaker 52576.38s - 2581.16s

Blue FAC where my my disc man my CD went flying yeah

Speaker 42581.16s - 2586.52s

it was nine inch nail CD I was pissed and went skitting across and the comm't use it I was skipping after that

Speaker 12586.52s - 2587.44s

You got hit by a car?

Speaker 42587.64s - 2588.58s

Yeah I just got like door

Speaker 12588.58s - 2601.78s

Like someone pulled out And I just like Oh yeah Yeah I was so hot And I had like a big fucking cruiserYeah yeah yeah So it's like I wouldn't go that fast on anyways Okay Yeah yeah yeah yeah So it was like the original The like fuck me like an animal

Speaker 42601.78s - 2604.9s

That nine inch nails record What was the name of that record?

Speaker 12606.56s - 2611.2s

I know Downward Spiral WORK_OF_ART Was that it? yeah yeah yeah so i think i was listening to that i was like i'm so cool i was like

Speaker 42611.2s - 2618.32s

falling off the bike i yeah um okay we have to i think it's the there might be the pod coming in so i'm

Speaker 32618.32s - 2623.44s

okay but like let's get to my final question yeah this has been very fun um not trying to rush you out

Speaker 12623.44s - 2633.22s

here no not at all I'm rushing you out. What is the funniest way you think you could die? So my question is, how many in the past have involved rollerblades?

Speaker 42634.6s - 2634.7s

I'm going to say none.

Speaker 12635.14s - 2635.84s

Okay, great.

Speaker 42638.9s - 2639.4s

So Venice Beach GPE.

Speaker 12639.8s - 2640.48s

Oh.

Speaker 42641.06s - 2641.36s

I'm rolling.

Speaker 52646.98s - 2647.08s

This is me older where I get a hobby that I don't have now that I'm surprised by,

Speaker 12649.82s - 2650.18s

but all of a sudden I get really into rollerblading.

Speaker 52652.76s - 2652.96s

And I go to Venice Beach every day and I rollerblade.

Speaker 12656.84s - 2658.52s

And the way I, and I, but I prefer to rollerblade backwards. That's like my thing.

Speaker 32659.32s - 2661.12s

So I'm the guy. I'm an old man. And you cool with it?

Speaker 12661.42s - 2663.28s

You know, I'm rollerblading.

Speaker 32663.7s - 2665.14s

I have pads on.

Speaker 42665.26s - 2666.74s

I never take the pads off.

Speaker 32667.1s - 2669.86s

It's elbow, wrist, helmet, everything.

Speaker 42670.86s - 2672.84s

Lucy PERSON goosey shorts, all right?

Speaker 32673.08s - 2674.42s

Fluttering in the wind shorts.

Speaker 42674.96s - 2680.74s

I'm rollerblading backwards in Venice Beach GPE, and I just keep going back and forth.

Speaker 12681.46s - 2687.9s

And there is, there's like kind of a Venice GPE, a Venice doorknob

Speaker 42687.9s - 2696.64s

company that is, that has like kind of like, ornate different styles, high concept, you know,

Speaker 12696.7s - 2704.56s

doornobs for different, you know, expensive Venice GPE homes. And there's a big display. And some, and a lot of

Speaker 52704.56s - 2711.72s

them are like, they're like the ones where it's like almost a doorknob that kind of comes to a point. It's a very strange doorknob.

Speaker 32712.12s - 2712.64s

Okay, okay.

Speaker 12712.76s - 2713.82s

One of a guy.

Speaker 32714.02s - 2715.72s

It's a one of, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 12715.96s - 2745.34s

Rollerblading backwards. And I just, I lose my balance and I go butt first into that doorknob. It goes into my asshole. It punctures my lower intestine. And it's like a special kind of metal that immediately infects me. And I die almost instantly from a staff infection from the doorbell, from the doorknob, up my asshole while rollerblading.

Speaker 32745.88s - 2752.16s

This might be the most well-thought-out, funniest way to die that we've had on the show.

Speaker 42752.32s - 2753.9s

And I've been asking this for two years.

Speaker 12754.38s - 2757.44s

I do love the way this all came full-circkel with a butthole too.

Speaker 42757.44s - 2757.86s

Thank you.

Speaker 12758.04s - 2759.02s

It goes right in there.

Speaker 42759.18s - 2765.56s

Right in there. The doorknob, too, I was thinking you're going to go, you're like, whoa! And it's like slipping on a bunch of doorknobs.

Speaker 12765.64s - 2773.36s

No, no, no, no, no. Just directly, very specifically ash-shaped. I mean, yeah, it's a lot of physics had to come together for it to happen,

Speaker 42773.48s - 2775.88s

but that's what makes it funny and beautiful. It does make it funny and beautiful.

Speaker 12776.22s - 2780.94s

I assume your balls will be hanging out too because you have this fluttery shorts. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

Speaker 42781.14s - 2781.82s

You need to mention that.

Speaker 12781.92s - 2785.32s

No, you didn't. I mean, I think we all knew that. I have very long balls. Very long balls. That's the fluttering. It's not the shorts. It was a nut, yeah, of course. You didn't need to mention that. No, you didn't. I mean, I think we all knew that. I have very long balls.

Speaker 42785.68s - 2788.02s

Very long balls. That's the fluttering.

Speaker 12788.14s - 2789.6s

It's not the sluttering. It was not fluttering to win.

Speaker 42790.36s - 2791.96s

Thank you so much for coming. That's so fun.

Speaker 12792.08s - 2792.42s

Thank you, stuff.

Speaker 42792.42s - 2794.28s

Please follow Kurt PERSON. Tell me your handles.

Speaker 12794.54s - 2817.22s

Yeah, Kurt Brown PERSON. You can, it's easy. Kurtcomedy.com. Everything is there. All my tour dates. I'm going to be in Seattle and Portland in April,be in Chicago, Madison, Minneapolis in March, or in May, and I'll be on tour with Burke Kreischer in March as well for a couple dates.

Speaker 42817.68s - 2824.04s

Yes, also listen to Perth, Perth, Podpast, Curts podcast, Bananas ORG, yes.

Speaker 12824.38s - 2824.92s

Very fun.

Speaker 42825s - 2826s

Thank you so much for doing this.

Speaker 52826s - 2830s

Thank you. Go see Kurt PERSON Live. Yeah. You know.