#662 - DANIEL VAN KIRK

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Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network ORG. This episode of Kill Tony WORK_OF_ART and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desk squad. TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliff PERSON at Tony Hinchcliff.com. And the Sunset Strip's my new comedy club in Austin, Texas GPE. Go to Sunset Strip ORG ATX.com.And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony WORK_OF_ART. This is the week, Kill Tony live from Los Angeles, California. Friday, May 10th at the Kia Forum and Sunday, May 12th at the YouTube Theater FAC. You can watch it live online while it happens at Killtony live.com. Get your tickets now. Don't miss anything. See it first at killtony live.com. One more time, we all. Oh, oh, come.

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Woo! Woo! Hey, this is Redmond coming live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony WORK_OF_ART.

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Give it up for Tony Tony PERSON. It's clear! Yeah.

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Make some noise for Red Band ORG, everybody. You did it. You're here. The number one live podcast in the world. Brought to you by Cook Unity ORG, Draft Kings, and Game Time ORG.How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, huh? The great Carlos Sosa, Raouvaojo, and Fernando Castillo PERSON on the horns. Not to be confused with Michael Gonzalez PERSON on the drum. The mortician, Matt Mueling PERSON on the electric guitar. The great John B's on the Keys PRODUCT. And joining us on the base tonight,make some noise for Nick Lewis PERSON, everybody. Deep Madness went to a different venue tonight. He didn't have anybody to help him. We're going to have a lot of fun here tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors

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that made it all possible. The The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas GPE is now open.

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Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday.

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Go to sunset stripATX.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's show?

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Ladies and gentlemen, one of the funniest guests in the history of the show. His brand new special is out now. Rose Gold on YouTube ORG, one of the funniest people we've ever had on. We're going to have so much fucking fun tonight. Make some noise for the great and powerful. Daniel Van Kirk PERSON, ladies and gentlemen, here we go.Daniel Van Kirk PERSON.

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One of the rising stars of the world.

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Works with the Sklar PERSON brothers.

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Royce Goval PERSON. You got it. He's back. The Ghost of Brody PERSON.

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Yes.

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Daniel PERSON, welcome back to...

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Positive energy.

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Yes, arms crossed.

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kicked out.

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Welcome back, Daniel PERSON.

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Thanks, buddy. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

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You've been on this show before. Pre-pandemic, way back in the day.

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Yes, back in the day. And we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We've had a lot of these three-person panels and a lot of chaos lately. I like it. We're getting back to our basics tonight. Who knows there is one empty seat.

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Something crazy could happen possibly, but something crazy is going to happen anyway because we're here at Kill Tony WORK_OF_ART. Daniel, you may remember over 200. Used to be 100 last time you did it, but now over 200 human beings sign up for the opportunity, the chance to get on this show.

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We still get to stab them? Yeah.

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Fuck ahead, dude. Yes. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger of us Hollywood GPE. And that cuts them off. And then I interview them.We find out more about them altogether, about more about their lives, what they could possibly talk about where their lives are at, where their lives are going. All of a sudden, they go from being a comedian to a guest on a podcast that fast right in front of our very eyes. I'm pre-pulling a name out of this bucket. They will get wrangled from across the street at a bar. Four choices here on 6th Street FAC. And that's the name of the bar. It's also the name of the thing that people that go to that bar do. And while that person's getting wrangled,I'm going to bring up one of our esteemed regulars, one of the funniest young bucks in all of comedy, a polarizing figure, ladies and gentlemen. Very, very fun. He's in a tight space for what he is used to tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the top young rising stars in all of stand-up comedy. This is Kill Tony's very own Casey Rockett PERSON.

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Sorry, if I seem a little off tonight. I'm starving. The only thing I've had to eat today is a poached egg and three of those little plastic babies they put at the center of Mardi Gras cake. So I'm a lot easier going down there coming out, right? Fellas, you know what I mean?Been pissing babies. It's just tough around the holidays. Yeah, speaking, it's funny you bring that up. It's been a stressful night. I'm exhausted. I stayed up all night watching Mansor's reruns on Spike TV again. So remember that show? Can boobs eat Fedegini, Alfredo PERSON?It's so tragic. Crowdsurf, watch out. It's just tough. It's tough to think about, God, politics are so hard this time of year around Christmas. I, uh...Am I the only guy who sees one of these Trump PERSON hats? And you start thinking, all right, I kissed my best friend, Barry Carter when I was six years old while I was playing truth or dare. And it left me really sexually confused into my early 20s, even though I knew I wasn't attracted to men. You know what I mean?This is border situation. It's crazy. It's just...

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All right, I'm Casey Rocket PERSON. Thank you.

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Casey Rocket PERSON, you're a wild, wild boy.

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He's done it again. Three plastic babies in his belly right now. So cool.

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I don't know if this has ever been said before,

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but I've never seen carrot top without the props.

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Well... Oh, don't, don't. We got news for you. said before, but I've never seen carrot top without the props. Well.

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We got news for you.

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He's always got a little something up his sleeve or in his pocket.

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What do we got tonight, Casey PERSON?

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Anything? He's pissed shirt, Dick PERSON.

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Come on, no.

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Get real.

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You're like a fire hose they let go of.

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That is a great description of Casey Rocket PERSON.

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I've also wondered what happened to all the background actors from Friday Night Lights WORK_OF_ART. Now I know.

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This is one of the young box here he is.

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You did great.

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Oh, thank you.

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Yeah. Good laughs. Yeah, that was good.

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Big fun, Monday night.

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A mansors reference.

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I haven't heard the word mansors in probably probably what, a decade and a half or so.

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Yeah, it struck me right before I came up. Mancer, what a funny show. Yeah, it was all, can boobs eat blank?

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It's like, can boobs float in Iraq GPE? And you're like, why I want to why Iraq?

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Yeah, but I would stay, I would watch the commercials to find out.

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Yeah.

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I was always curious.

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What's some of the stuff that you watched when you were... How old are you, Casey PERSON? I can never tell. You have the wisdom of a 300-year-old samurai legend, but...

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Oh.

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Sorry, I'm getting a phone call.

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Could I take it?

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Yeah, take it. Law offices of Tarlo and Tarlo ORG. Uh-huh. Okay. Okay, yeah. Oh, yeah, cool.Well, she deserves it, man. Caitlin Clark just got picked with the number one pick in the WNBA ORG draft. Wow.

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I know.

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Wow. I love that.

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That's awesome.

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Hell yeah.

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She earned it. She did.

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She did earn it.

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Yeah, the great season.

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How long have you been with Tarler PERSON and Tarler?

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Oh, Tarlo PERSON. Law officers of Tarlo PERSON and Tarlo. I'm Moonlo. Law Offices of Tarlo and Tarlo. I Moonlight PERSON is a receptionist.

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And Tarlo PERSON and Tarlo.

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I should have told you guys this. Yeah. I was supposed to be working tonight. And I said...

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I think you still are. I kind of am in some ways.

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Someone called the Law Offices of Tarler PERSON and Tarler.

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And they, just to tell them, whoever the receptionist may be, that Caitlin Clark got picked number one in the WNBA ORG draft?

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Yeah, I mean, it's pretty big news. That's kind of exciting. Yeah, we don't get a lot of calls like that. What are a lot of...

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Hello?

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Oh.

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Daniel Van Kirk and Associates ORG.

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Some bitch got pick second, dude.

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Oh shit.

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The draft seems to be moving along.

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They didn't say who.

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They just said somebody got picked second.

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That's all I know.

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A lot of people, while they're here, you know, their phones are locked up.

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It's a tight run ship. And a lot of you might be wondering what's happening with the WNBA ORG draft,

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and the good news is we're here to update you throughout the evening. This is going to be a continuous thing. Red Band ORG has the board up. He actually has a lot of women's faces circled.I think he's doing a fantasy draft of some kind. Yes, a leopard has something to do with this, believe it or not, of all things.

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Casey PERSON, what else is going on in your wacky world? That's a big one.

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It's tarlo robust for me.

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So it's been 50, 60 hours a week, and it's hard to keep up with, God, life's been crazy around the holidays.

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So it's been cool to, I see it, I don't see it as work.

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And I don't see this as work, like you said.

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I mean, this is so...

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Have you met any of the tarlers? I've never heard that last thing before.

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Is it Tarler or Tarlo PERSON? Tarlo PERSON. Tarlo PERSON.

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Oh, God, it's Arlo Tarlo and Scarlo Bama PERSON. Oh, my God.

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That is... What are the odds of that? Yeah. Just one of those freak accidents. It could have happened to anybody. It was...Yeah, it's Carlo Carlo and Starlo Garland PERSON. And they're two of the most prestigious personal injury lawyers in Fort Lauderdale GPE. So I got hooked up with them a couple months back, and it's pro bono right now, so I'm doing it free.

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But I think it'll end up paying off in dividends.

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Casey PERSON, I mean the sincerity.

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You would be the greatest first, I mean the sincerity. You would be the greatest first date I've ever had.

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Play your cards, right?

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I'm sweetie.

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Oh, hey.

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I'm dealing, partner.

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I'm dealing.

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Where would you take them, Daniel PERSON?

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Where would you take Casey on a first date? Obviously, Cheesecake Factory ORG.

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Oh, yeah. 100%.

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I want to see this man eat brown bread before I make any decisions about life. Oh, yeah. 100%. I want to see this man eat brown bread before I make any decisions about life.

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Oh, yeah.

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Where would you want to go on our first date?

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Where would you want to go? Come on, we're just a couple of confused former six-year-olds. Where would you want to go?

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Oh, God. You can't say Chili's ORG.

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Noxbury Farms ORG, I guess.

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Ooh, you want to go Knotsberry GPE, dude?

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Yeah, that'd be fun. What is this? The final four episodes of The Bachelor WORK_OF_ART?

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We're flying out to Knots GPE. Yeah, that would be cool. Yeah, Dracula's Castiller WORK_OF_ART. Nope. I think I got scared saying Dracula

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and then it transferred to the castle part too.

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Dracula's Castler WORK_OF_ART is another one of the best law firms out there.

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Casey PERSON, we absolutely love you. You did it again. You got the show started. Silly, fun, likable, beautiful, beautiful boy. Casey Rocket PERSON has us started. And now we go to the bucket.A lot of you guys know how this works. Could be a future legend. Could be an insane person that signed up for this for no reason with no preparation whatsoever. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Joseph Kirkhimmy PERSON, ladies and gentlemen. Joseph Kirkimmy PERSON.Here we go. What's up, everyone?

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I'm half Middle Eastern, half white. Just thought I'd solve the mystery for everyone. I know it's a little bit confusing when I walk here. Look a little bit ambiguous. I get Mexican Jew NORP a lot, which I know in Texas GPE is a scary combination.I actually do stage magic. So if you guys want to see a trick, no? Okay, I'm gonna do it anyways. All right. Jewish, Hispanic NORP. I mean, on stage, that tricks whatever, but at the bank,that trick, it works. Like, your loan's been denied, approved. My girl, me, been together for a little bit. My favorite thing about her, she does OnlyFans. Yeah, it's cool because anyone can subscribe to their profile and pay them to do a custom video. Anyone can do that. And I don't have enough time to finish this joke, so I guess now you know my girlfriendthis only fans. That's it. Go ahead. Finish it, Joseph PERSON. I was going to say, so she came up to me a couple weeks back. She was like, this guy subscribed my profile.And he paid me to make a video where I. She was like, this guy subscribed to my profile. And he paid me to make a video where I suck your dick and make you a sandwich. And he was really specific about the ingredients. It's like, that's wild. But I really want that roast beef sandwich on rye. That would be... All right.Thanks, everyone.

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Joseph Kerkimmy PERSON.

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Okay.

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Hi, Joseph PERSON. How are you? I'm good. This just in, Jamaraquai Jenkins PERSON picked third in the WNBA ORG draft.

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Just a heads up before we get to our new friend, Joseph PERSON. That's breaking news. Jamriquy Jenkins.

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I do believe one of John PERSON's cousins. Pick third. So we'll be getting updates throughout the evening here in the WMBA draft. Joseph Kirkimmy PERSON,welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About three years. Three years. Where at?Mostly Tampa GPE.

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Tampa, Florida GPE. That's where you live.

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That's where I used to live. I moved here recently.

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Okay. How recent did you move to Austin? Like two weeks ago. Nice. How do you like it? I like it. Yeah. No I used to live. I moved here recently. Okay, how recent did you move to Austin? Like two weeks ago. Nice.

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How do you like it? I like it. Yeah.

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No, it's cool.

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A lot of comics, a lot of cool people.

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Definitely.

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It's all going on out here.

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How do you make a living?

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I'm a software engineer. Ooh, all right.

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Well, right now an unemployed software engineer, sure. All right. I'm sure that'll work out for you.

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I hope so. Daniel Van Kirk PERSON, what do you think about this young buck?

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I thought you did good. You sort of double-tap the identity joke.

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Like you kind of, you get a laugh out of it, and then you go for the profile. I'd probably move that up in front just a little bit. Like I would come up with this. Like, I know you guys are trying to figure out who I am. Like, if you look at me straight on, I'm this. But you look at me like this, I'm this.Like, boom, like get to it right away. I agree. And then also, if you set up another plant and your only fans, but I got two things I love with my girlfriend, she makes great sandwiches and don't us only fans. And then you go later and you say what the person is requested,that's going to be the callback hit for the audience as to what you, what the joke was. Because otherwise you had to, like, string better.

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Look at that. Daniel Van Kirk PERSON, making Joseph Kirk Kimmy 400% funnier in 20 seconds. Absolutely incredible.

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Only because I care.

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Yeah, no, I appreciate it. And I don't know if you're going to stab me or give me a loan. No. Look at that. Loan stab.

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There's a loan.

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You never know.

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Loan stab. What a great steakhouse. You fucking Jim PERSON.

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You fucking beautiful Jim PERSON. So Joseph, what's the other half Middle Eastern NORP? Assyrian NORP. Oh. Oh, my, Assyrian NORP.

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Like a possum.

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Yeah.

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Just kind of sneak it in.

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I might use that now.

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I mean, yeah.

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Take it.

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We're going to write a whole different, a whole different set for you. Like after you do the profile joke, you're like, fuck you all, I'm John Tuturo's PERSON kid.

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Like, do that joke. Yeah. I'm Andy Sandberg after an airbag hits him in the face. Yeah. See that? See that big loud, laugh?I'm the guy that taught Patrick Swayze PERSON to move a penny.

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Go with that joke. Thank you. Good reference, good reference.

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Great reference.

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Go watch ghosts, you fucking he reference. Good reference. Great reference. Go watch Ghost WORK_OF_ART.

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You fucking heathens.

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Yeah. Yeah.

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You're that guy. I get John Tutorial PERSON a lot.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Anyone with a big nose I get.

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That's basically... Yeah. Gonzo.

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I've got that.

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I love it.

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I love it.

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So what do you do for fun, Joseph PERSON? I like to... Well, a lot of things. Video games. I love it. I love it. So what do you do for fun, Joseph PERSON?

Speaker 171187.34s - 1192.44s

I like to, well, a lot of things. Video games, take ADHD medication, play video games. That's always fun. Okay.

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You're talking about Adderall?

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Yeah, that one's good, yeah.

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Yeah, you stay awake and you play video games.

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Good time, yeah. How many mills you up to?

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What are you rocking right now?

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Dude, if you're less than 40, you're a bitch.

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No.

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Yeah, dude. Yeah. I want you rocking right now? Dude, if you're less than 40, you're a bitch. No. Yeah, dude.

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Yeah.

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I want you coasting all day, motherfucker.

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Make me eggs at noon and midnight, dude.

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Not fun until your heart starts palpating.

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It's not fun until your heart starts palpating.

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That's what I say about video games.

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Abs of fucking lutely.

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Is the girlfriend real?

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Yeah, she's real.

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And she's really on only fans?

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No, it's like half a truth.

Speaker 171227.42s - 1250.98s

I did use to kind of date a girl who did only fans. I didn't subscribe to her page, but I did offer to run it. Hell yeah. I thought it would be funny.I'd be like, oh, there's comedic material in here, and that's the only joke I really got out of it. Besides that, it was really sad. It was pretty sad, actually. Like how you ran it, or her performance? Both?

Speaker 51251.64s - 1253.24s

Just all the above, I guess, yeah.

Speaker 171254.12s - 1255.82s

We can help her, too.

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We're going to give her some punch up and make her only fans a lot better.

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What did she specialize in on the only fans?

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This girl that you used to put your little Assyrian NORP dipstick into.

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I mean, I don't know if she had like a specific

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fetish. You never asked her what she does on her

Speaker 171273.9s - 1285.02s

only fans? Well, no, I knew what she did. I ran on the page for a bit. If I may, you are a horrible manager. You just took out for clothes. That was the fed. I don't know. Just took off her clothes. Little feet stuff. I don't know. Ooh, was the fed I don't know

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Getting naked little feet stuff

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I don't know Oh feet stuff you don't know

Speaker 171288.76s - 1295.52s

But like it wasn't like heavy foot stuff You know it was light foot stuff Whatever that is

Speaker 51295.52s - 1300.5s

Talk slower So she took her shoes off

Speaker 171300.5s - 1301.66s

She had little tiny feet

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No not not specific

Speaker 171304.12s - 1305.42s

Like not that tiny, just regular.

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They weren't, like, deformed, tiny miniature feet? No.

Speaker 171310.78s - 1316.08s

They were pretty average feet. I don't know. Okay. Redband PERSON, did you have? What's her name on

Speaker 111316.08s - 1318.4s

only fare? That's not. There you go.

Speaker 161319.76s - 1320.46s

Red band.

Speaker 171321.36s - 1323.98s

All right. Joseph PERSON, you are

Speaker 111323.98s - 1325.04s

an interesting person. You are half Jewish NORP. Is that correct? No. Is, you are an interesting person.

Speaker 51325.98s - 1326.96s

You are half Jewish NORP. Is that correct?

Speaker 171327.16s - 1330.78s

No. Just a joke. About your nose. Yeah, it's just about my nose. Yeah.

Speaker 51331.02s - 1337.5s

I'm a Syrian NORP, so like we, Christ came along and we said we'd rather do that than, like, we were Jews NORP before.

Speaker 171337.8s - 1338.04s

Right.

Speaker 101338.18s - 1347.42s

And then the Christian NORP was like, we're going to fucking kill you. Yeah. And they're like, we can eat pork. And I guess my ancestors were like, cool, let's do that. Fuck, yeah.

Speaker 51348s - 1352.3s

Are any of your parents still strict about the religion and everything?

Speaker 171352.74s - 1354.08s

No, no, not really.

Speaker 51354.26s - 1357.8s

I mean, like, they go to church every once in a while, but like the holidays and shit.

Speaker 171357.96s - 1359.06s

So you do stand up.

Speaker 51359.12s - 1360.64s

You work in software, but you're unemployed.

Speaker 171360.76s - 1362.74s

What about the wild side of Joseph Kirk Kimmy PERSON?

Speaker 51362.78s - 1389.28s

Give me something crazy that you do when you're not Adderald PERSON out playing video games. Jesus, fucking Christ PERSON. Whoa. Go ahead. Wild side of Joseph PERSON. I don't know if I...The wildest thing you've ever done in your entire fucking life, Joseph PERSON. Let me make it easier for you. The wildest thing I ever did in my life. Could be anything at all. Maybe you went snowboarding down a black diamond level hill or something like that. Like, it could be fucking anything.

Speaker 171389.28s - 1391.96s

You're from Tampa GPE, dude. You've definitely been shot at. Yeah.

Speaker 51392.24s - 1392.6s

Yeah.

Speaker 171392.88s - 1404.56s

Yeah. I mean, I don't know if that's the wildest, though. Well, no one shot at me, but, you know, it's been, you know, the vicinity. You've been brandished. We're trying to help you here.

Speaker 51404.72s - 1407.14s

Yeah, yeah. I mean, You have your entire life to reference.

Speaker 171407.14s - 1408.9s

The wildest thing that I can think of right now,

Speaker 51409s - 1410.44s

and I guess this is,

Speaker 171410.56s - 1414.8s

I don't know why I'm saying this on this show. That's the correct answer, whatever that is.

Speaker 51414.86s - 1432.3s

Go right ahead. And here we go. Who's ready for the answer of the question of two minutes ago? Here he is, live on a podcast with the answer. We've all been waiting for the answer of the question of two minutes ago. Here he is live on a podcast with the answer. We've all been waiting for the wildest reference of his life.The lights come down.

Speaker 141432.38s - 1434.62s

This is Joseph Kerkimmy PERSON.

Speaker 161435.36s - 1438.22s

All that piled up, this is going to be disappointing shit.

Speaker 141438.3s - 1438.72s

Oh, wow.

Speaker 51438.82s - 1443.34s

Here is still setting it up, ladies and gentlemen, having no idea how an interview works.

Speaker 171443.34s - 1444.46s

Here we are.

Speaker 41444.72s - 1448.08s

Loading it up, final answer, Joseph Kerkim PERSON how an interview works. Here we are. Loading it up. Final answer, Joseph Karkimmy's

Speaker 171448.08s - 1455.86s

wildest moment of his entire life. I had a Molly PRODUCT-fueled foursome in Las Vegas with two Latino NORP women. Okay.

Speaker 51456.26s - 1457.98s

There you go. That's not disappointing

Speaker 101457.98s - 1459.96s

at all. You're right. How would anyone

Speaker 171459.96s - 1461.66s

get comedy out of that?

Speaker 101461.9s - 1463.66s

Right. Four

Speaker 171463.66s - 1465.84s

some with three Latino women. Two and a white girl, yeah. Two and a that. Right. Four-sum with three

Speaker 101465.84s - 1466.76s

Latino NORP women.

Speaker 51466.84s - 1468.28s

Two and a white girl, yeah.

Speaker 171468.54s - 1469.32s

Two and a white.

Speaker 51469.52s - 1469.74s

Yeah.

Speaker 171469.9s - 1472s

I don't know why I included their Latina NORP.

Speaker 51472.16s - 1474.34s

I felt like that was added to it.

Speaker 171474.46s - 1475.34s

We just got word.

Speaker 51475.52s - 1516.92s

Those two Latino NORP women and the white were the last three picks in the WNBA ORG draft. So you're doing something right out there. Oh, there goes one right now to accept the new... There you go. Welcome to theteam. That's the newest WNBA ORG player right there. There goes Jameriqui Jenkins PERSON to put on a jersey. It's absolutely incredible. This is a star-studded audience ladies and gentlemen. I've never seen aWNBA ORG player with a full goatee, but that was incredible. You never know what's gonna happen here. So tell us about this foursome. I mean, you seem like you would be overwhelmed with one. Let's just jump right into it.Vegas GPE is crazy.

Speaker 171519.4s - 1520.44s

Yeah, I don't know, Molly's a hell of a drug, I guess.

Speaker 101521.84s - 1528.56s

I may see who things are normal. What kind of feat these girls got? That's what... Yeah. The Latino NORP women had small... Six feet.

Speaker 171528.96s - 1531.84s

Yeah, it's like size five women's...

Speaker 101531.84s - 1537.24s

So let's talk about how you would get in something like this. Was it planned? No. Did you know these women beforehand? No.

Speaker 51537.46s - 1538.86s

You take us through the evening.

Speaker 101539.16s - 1544.82s

Instead of Detective Van Kirk over here doing his work for Tarler and Tarler Law Associates ORG.

Speaker 51545.32s - 1548.14s

Just take us. How does it start? Give me a second. I can break him.

Speaker 71551.94s - 1556.68s

Let this poor Jewish, I mean Latino NORP, man.

Speaker 161556.88s - 1557.22s

Okay.

Speaker 71557.52s - 1558.14s

Barton Fink PERSON.

Speaker 161558.6s - 1558.92s

Yeah.

Speaker 51559.08s - 1564.06s

I guess the evening was we went to an EDM concert, you know, like you do when you're on Molly PRODUCT.

Speaker 171564.66s - 1569.44s

And then we ran into the...

Speaker 71569.44s - 1569.92s

Keep going?

Speaker 171570.16s - 1570.96s

Oh shit, that's for me.

Speaker 51571.08s - 1572.24s

Okay. We ran into...

Speaker 141572.24s - 1574.76s

Welcome to show business, Joseph Kersar PERSON.

Speaker 171574.76s - 1576.02s

Oh, shit, I'm on stage.

Speaker 141576.72s - 1577.76s

What is this?

Speaker 171578.44s - 1583.74s

You guys aren't going to like this answer, but I once did heroin and slept with nine black men.

Speaker 141585.12s - 1587.3s

I guess that's the wildest.

Speaker 161587.64s - 1590.28s

Good luck. Good luck talking about that.

Speaker 51590.98s - 1595.36s

Okay, Joseph, what happens here? Let's just take the Molly PRODUCT out of the equation.

Speaker 161595.48s - 1597.74s

I can already tell you're blaming everything on the Molly PRODUCT.

Speaker 51598.16s - 1600.62s

Where did you meet the girls? What the fuck happened? Let's go.

Speaker 161601.18s - 1608.96s

So we just met him at the, well, we met one of the friends at the concert, and she wasn't a part of the foursome, but she introduced us to the two other women.

Speaker 51609.54s - 1613.02s

And then we said, let's go to strip club, and we were there until like 6 a.m.

Speaker 161613.18s - 1613.58s

Uh-oh.

Speaker 171613.84s - 1615.18s

And then- Were you doing drugs there?

Speaker 51615.92s - 1623.4s

A little bit, yeah. Where were you on there? Just a little. With the nose like that, I don't think you did a little of anything.

Speaker 171624.52s - 1626.34s

The nose like that, I think you did it all.

Speaker 41628s - 1631s

So, yeah, like, just nose things and then...

Speaker 171631s - 1639.48s

All right. Joseph PERSON, I'm going to let you off easy. Good job, buddy. You did it. You are the first

Speaker 41639.48s - 1647.06s

bucket pool tonight. There he goes. Joseph Kirkimmy. Brand new to Austin, Texas. Two weeks as a Texan NORP. Have fun, Joseph. There he goes. Joseph Gorkimmy. Brand new to Austin, Texas. Two weeks as a Texan.

Speaker 171648.06s - 1649.9s

Have fun, Joseph PERSON. There he goes.

Speaker 161651.36s - 1656.6s

Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Draft King's Sportsbook ORG. Look, the playoffs are heating up,

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Speaker 111743.24s - 1747.48s

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Speaker 141794.52s - 1798.36s

Here we go. Anything going to happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Maddie G.

Speaker 51799.3s - 1801.46s

Oh, make some noise for Heidi PERSON, everybody.

Speaker 41802s - 1806.06s

Wow. Thank you, Heidi PERSON. All right, here's Maddie PERSON.

Speaker 51806.14s - 1811.58s

Make some noise for Maddie G. PERSON Everyone. Here we go. What's up, guys?

Speaker 241811.72s - 1876.84s

We got any immigrants in here? I thought I smelt you. Yeah. I used to sell guns to get through college. I didn't know that they were buying guns to take to college. Yeah.When you're selling guns, you get really good at it, and you can tell what gun you're going to buy just by what race you are. 12-gauge shotgun. Black people, they like, they don't like any specific gun.They're more about the accessories. They're like, they always come up to the gun counter and be like, my man, let me get that one right there with a beam on it. And I always be like, yes, sir, right away, man, I got you. Asian people, they didn't, they wanted one specific gun. The Groca 19 PRODUCT.

Speaker 51877.7s - 1883.9s

Thank you, guys. Wow. Look at the slow wave off after rugged racism.

Speaker 161884.34s - 1884.96s

Incredible.

Speaker 51885.78s - 1889.3s

Maddie G. Opening up with an immigrants joke, what ethnicity are you?

Speaker 241891.96s - 1892.48s

I'm American, but Mexican NORP.

Speaker 51893.26s - 1893.46s

Yeah, you're Mexican NORP.

Speaker 241894.64s - 1894.72s

Don't you think it's kind of weird?

Speaker 51895.94s - 1896s

A Mexican NORP guy coming out going,

Speaker 241896.98s - 1897.94s

hey, I thought I smelled you?

Speaker 51899.26s - 1899.38s

Because that's like your people.

Speaker 241900.52s - 1900.78s

The immigrants are you.

Speaker 51901.1s - 1910.46s

Yeah. Okay. I can say that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can say it too. Look at that. It's Okay. I can say that. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I can say it too.Look at that. It's wild. Daniel PERSON can say it too.

Speaker 71913.2s - 1914.6s

And he looks like fucking Hitler's right hand man.

Speaker 101917.94s - 1919.5s

I look like you know where I was on January 6th.

Speaker 51920.54s - 1922.78s

Cheesecake Factory ORG. The speaker's podium.

Speaker 101924.48s - 1926s

Make way, make way.

Speaker 51926.24s - 1927.04s

That's me.

Speaker 71927.44s - 1930.24s

I barely recognize you without your bullhorns on.

Speaker 51931.24s - 1932.18s

Let him speak.

Speaker 71932.38s - 1933.36s

Let him speak.

Speaker 51935.52s - 1938.02s

Maddie PERSON, you were just on this show recently, right?

Speaker 161938.16s - 1938.58s

Yes, sir.

Speaker 71938.88s - 1940.84s

I remember because I found out that you sold guns

Speaker 161940.84s - 1942.1s

during that interview portion.

Speaker 71942.82s - 1944.56s

And so here we are again.

Speaker 161944.68s - 1945.7s

Here you are.

Speaker 71946.12s - 1949.54s

And you talked about immigrants, selling guns,

Speaker 161949.7s - 1951.38s

black people, and then Asian NORP people.

Speaker 51951.84s - 1974.94s

Yeah. Yeah. Remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I've only been doing it. It's like my 12th mic. Your 12th mic.So you've been doing it other places. Two of those 12 spots are here. Yes, sir. Right. Right. Okay. Why is your work ethic so terrible?What kind of Mexican NORP are you?

Speaker 241977.52s - 1978.84s

See, he can say it.

Speaker 51978.98s - 1979.68s

Yeah, he can say.

Speaker 241979.68s - 1980.48s

I said it.

Speaker 51981.12s - 1982.78s

I'm going to be in big trouble.

Speaker 241984.52s - 1986.2s

I'm trying to support my family.

Speaker 51986.86s - 1987.42s

Do you have a family?

Speaker 241987.42s - 1988.06s

By doing mics?

Speaker 51988.14s - 1990.54s

Because you are horrible supporting your family.

Speaker 241991.5s - 1993.7s

Not on content, just on getting up.

Speaker 51994.78s - 1996.32s

How big of a family do you have?

Speaker 241996.66s - 1997.26s

Just me.

Speaker 51998.4s - 1999.4s

There you go.

Speaker 241999.7s - 2001.16s

A lot to support there.

Speaker 102002.08s - 2003.42s

A lot to support.

Speaker 52004.36s - 2011.42s

Maddie PERSON, what do we find out? What do we not find out about you after your last interview that you think would be interesting? You have had, what, a few weeks to think

Speaker 242011.42s - 2017.62s

about it? Yeah. Okay. I sleep in a hammock right now. Oh, wow. That's fucking nuts. Yeah.

Speaker 52017.62s - 2022.3s

I actually once accidentally did that before. I had a low budget and I bought a hammock.

Speaker 242022.54s - 2025.84s

When I first moved to California, I was stoned out of my mind.

Speaker 72026.32s - 2037.94s

And I'm like, I have $1,000 to spend on a bed. We went to a fucking, like a, was that like a Costco ORG. There was a hammock for like $80. I'm like, that'll fucking work. I'm California living out here. I was on the floor that night.

Speaker 162038.38s - 2041s

It turns out you can only last about an hour and a half

Speaker 242041s - 2045.54s

max in a fucking hammock before you have the back of a 100-year-old man.

Speaker 02046.46s - 2050.18s

So how many nights have you slept in a hammock, you creep azoid?

Speaker 52051.42s - 2052.72s

Probably like a year and a half.

Speaker 242052.98s - 2054.84s

A year and a half in the hammock.

Speaker 52055.22s - 2057.88s

It's nice, you know, I got the sleeping bag.

Speaker 242058s - 2059.68s

It's not as cold as night anymore.

Speaker 52060.64s - 2061.12s

So, yeah.

Speaker 242061.12s - 2064.78s

You have a sleeping bag that you get into inside of the hammock?

Speaker 52064.9s - 2065.24s

Yeah.

Speaker 242065.72s - 2069.14s

Wow, there is just layers of stupidity happening here.

Speaker 52069.6s - 2075.16s

These are the people that get a good night's sleep before selling guns to whoever asks for one.

Speaker 102076.06s - 2079.2s

So if you wake up in a hammock inside a sleeping bag

Speaker 162079.2s - 2081.18s

and realize there's a fire where you live,

Speaker 102081.22s - 2082.7s

you're just letting it go, right?

Speaker 242083.5s - 2085.7s

It's going to get me eventually, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, right? It's going to get me eventually, I think.

Speaker 102085.7s - 2087.78s

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, no, it's going to get you

Speaker 242087.78s - 2091.66s

right away. Yeah. You're not getting out. Yeah, you're

Speaker 102091.66s - 2096.18s

stuck in a net. Yeah. Well, can I ask, sorry if we covered this.

Speaker 242096.18s - 2098.26s

No, go ahead. Indoors, though? Yeah. Okay.

Speaker 52098.54s - 2100.28s

Upstairs, yeah. Wait, what?

Speaker 242100.64s - 2102.94s

Upstairs, yeah. Here? No, not.

Speaker 102103.78s - 2104.02s

No.

Speaker 242104.62s - 2107.6s

What are you the most generally speaking person in the world?

Speaker 102108.72s - 2110.06s

Well, indoors upstairs.

Speaker 242110.44s - 2111.86s

It's an upstairs hangar.

Speaker 102112.4s - 2112.62s

Yeah.

Speaker 242113.18s - 2115.34s

Upstairs, not the brag you think it is.

Speaker 102115.4s - 2115.66s

All right.

Speaker 242115.76s - 2118.04s

This is going to be. No, I know.

Speaker 102118.12s - 2121.84s

I just want clarity. Upstairs.

Speaker 42126.22s - 2127.74s

Int house. Wow. Okay, so you're upstairs. Yeah. upstairs ha ha ha ha ha hint house wow

Speaker 102127.74s - 2128.98s

okay so you're upstairs

Speaker 42128.98s - 2131.52s

yeah it's an above ground hammock

Speaker 102131.52s - 2132.66s

yeah I'm upstairs

Speaker 42132.66s - 2134.94s

hammock is mounted to the wall

Speaker 102134.94s - 2136.28s

no I got a hammock stand

Speaker 42136.28s - 2137.84s

wow

Speaker 52137.84s - 2138.86s

that's yeah

Speaker 42138.86s - 2140.78s

that actually is a pretty cool brag

Speaker 52140.78s - 2142.36s

again

Speaker 42142.36s - 2144.12s

I've been there

Speaker 52144.12s - 2145.32s

it's not.

Speaker 242146.76s - 2148.68s

I was 18 years old.

Speaker 52148.84s - 2150.7s

I bought a fucking hammock with a hammock stand.

Speaker 242150.78s - 2151.86s

I thought I was a genius.

Speaker 52152.42s - 2154.6s

And again, it's unusable.

Speaker 102154.82s - 2157.54s

How much pain are you in all the time?

Speaker 162158.92s - 2159.96s

A lot.

Speaker 242160.16s - 2160.44s

Yeah.

Speaker 52160.44s - 2167.74s

This is incredible to meet someone else that's fucking made this mistake, but you just stuck with it.

Speaker 242167.94s - 2169.7s

Yeah, so like I'm trying to buy a house.

Speaker 52169.8s - 2170.62s

So I was like, oh.

Speaker 242170.82s - 2174.44s

Well, first comes the hammock, then comes the full-grown house.

Speaker 52175.34s - 2180.3s

Two-level house you're looking to buy, perhaps? Three if I'm lucky. Wow.

Speaker 112180.68s - 2181.58s

Three stories.

Speaker 52181.58s - 2183.5s

Why wouldn't you start with a bed first, though?

Speaker 112183.7s - 2187.04s

Because I didn't want to move it in and then have to move it out.

Speaker 242187.68s - 2188.06s

Right.

Speaker 112188.38s - 2190.02s

It's really easy to like...

Speaker 242190.02s - 2192.6s

So you're going to have house money, but not movers money.

Speaker 52195.02s - 2195.44s

No.

Speaker 102196.18s - 2200s

I think you might be putting the cart in front of the horse here, my friend.

Speaker 52200s - 2203.8s

You might want to get a good night's sleep before making such big decisions.

Speaker 102204.8s - 2206.08s

I've never needed movers.

Speaker 52206.32s - 2207.7s

Like, I have a lot of cousins,

Speaker 162207.98s - 2209.48s

so they just come over and...

Speaker 242209.48s - 2211.36s

Why is the mattress a problem?

Speaker 162214.44s - 2216.26s

You know, I never thought of that, actually.

Speaker 242217.72s - 2219.48s

Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant.

Speaker 52219.48s - 2222.82s

We got Daniel Van Kirk PERSON here fixing people's sets

Speaker 242222.82s - 2225.06s

and their lives one step at a time.

Speaker 102225.18s - 2227.28s

Let me ask you this, Maddie G.

Speaker 242227.4s - 2229.92s

You ever get a lady back to that hammock?

Speaker 52229.98s - 2232.16s

You ever trap her, trapper in the net?

Speaker 242233.96s - 2239.34s

Now look, if I get in first, you're going to have to come in straddling.

Speaker 52239.42s - 2241.18s

You can't get on then straddle.

Speaker 242241.32s - 2243.6s

Before we go into my bedroom, I got to ask you.

Speaker 52243.6s - 2245.02s

You want to be on top or bottom?

Speaker 162248.32s - 2250.08s

I've had a great time with you tonight.

Speaker 72250.34s - 2251.48s

You say you and I go

Speaker 52251.48s - 2253.2s

upstairs.

Speaker 102257.5s - 2259.28s

You fucking wild card.

Speaker 52259.94s - 2260.78s

You ever do it?

Speaker 102260.84s - 2262.28s

You ever go fucking slamming

Speaker 52262.28s - 2262.98s

on the hammock?

Speaker 102263.16s - 2263.82s

Sling shot it.

Speaker 52264.44s - 2266.6s

You ever take a Betty PRODUCT to the netty?

Speaker 102268.3s - 2270.2s

Yeah, so you got to like do it.

Speaker 52270.76s - 2272.44s

Like, there's a special way you got to do it.

Speaker 202272.9s - 2276.7s

Let's do it.

Speaker 242276.7s - 2277.42s

Show us the way.

Speaker 52277.54s - 2281.12s

Show us how you would fuck Daniel Van Kirk PERSON on your hammock. Okay.

Speaker 242281.34s - 2282.02s

There he is.

Speaker 52283.36s - 2292.92s

There he is. He's ready for you. Where do you begin? Oh, foot fetish. Foot fetish. Look out. Well. There he is. There he is. He's ready for you. Where do you begin? Oh, foot fetish. Foot fetish. Look out.Well, wait a second. Wait, way, way, way, wait. Hold on. Let's take this one step at a time, Maddie G.

Speaker 02293.08s - 2297.02s

You're entering the hammock from an impossible region. No, no, no, no.

Speaker 52297.86s - 2302.98s

You just tried to fucking video game us into believing.

Speaker 102302.98s - 2304.5s

You can't do that. What are you, dude? No, no.

Speaker 52304.58s - 2307.96s

You can't go through. I'm all roped up with the stand, bro.

Speaker 102308.02s - 2310.1s

Yeah, the stand is there. Oh, he's

Speaker 52310.1s - 2312.14s

pointing to his brain, everybody. Look out.

Speaker 102312.66s - 2316.06s

Shit's about to get really interesting. He's like, wait until you find out what

Speaker 242316.06s - 2325.06s

daddy's cooking. You're thinking about it wrong. You think that you're laying the length of the hammock. You lay sideways. Sex swing. So you're using like a you lay sideways. Sex swing.

Speaker 102325.84s - 2329.24s

So you're using like a big old-fashioned sex swing. Yep.

Speaker 242329.46s - 2336.04s

Well, then get over here. Are we allowed to

Speaker 72336.04s - 2341.9s

have full release on this show? I don't know what happened. Make them come, Maddie PERSON. Make them come.

Speaker 52344.78s - 2352.7s

Wait a second. Wait, wait. So where is the fucking hammock during this? Oh, it's sideways. It's like that.

Speaker 242352.8s - 2357.14s

Oh, you have him sideways on the hammock.

Speaker 102357.14s - 2359.66s

Yeah, he's pretending he's the weirdest guy at the playground.

Speaker 242363.12s - 2364.84s

It's like a sex swing almost.

Speaker 102365.04s - 2365.78s

Yeah, sex swing. It's like a sex swing almost. Yeah, sex swing.

Speaker 112365.82s - 2366.84s

It's like a sex swing.

Speaker 52367.02s - 2368.48s

So you have to stand.

Speaker 112368.6s - 2373s

You can never be laying down while having sex in your hammock. Yeah.

Speaker 242373.32s - 2374.84s

That's the downside of it.

Speaker 102375s - 2376s

That's the downside.

Speaker 242376.1s - 2376.66s

Hey, well, you know what,

Speaker 102376.7s - 2378.18s

you got a sleeping bag.

Speaker 52378.22s - 2378.78s

He's warmer.

Speaker 102379s - 2379.7s

That's all that.

Speaker 242380.02s - 2380.72s

That's true.

Speaker 102381.82s - 2385.96s

So, have women spent the night on your hammock?

Speaker 52386.04s - 2388.38s

No, they usually leave, like, pretty soon.

Speaker 102388.56s - 2389s

Immediately.

Speaker 52389.42s - 2390.86s

Like, well, no doubt about it.

Speaker 212390.92s - 2391.72s

I got to go.

Speaker 02392.48s - 2396.3s

There's a zero percent chance of staying the night on a fucking hammock.

Speaker 42396.48s - 2397.9s

It's kind of a good idea.

Speaker 102398.3s - 2399.2s

Yeah, no shit.

Speaker 52399.26s - 2400.96s

If this guy's got a fucking hammock,

Speaker 102401s - 2407.58s

do you think he's cleaned a bathroom mirror in his life? That's such a good point.

Speaker 52407.92s - 2411.84s

Is there a lot of stuff on your bathroom counter? I actually don't have a bathroom mirror.

Speaker 242412.68s - 2413.84s

Tell us more.

Speaker 52414.34s - 2417.84s

Well, we just renovated it, and so I was like,

Speaker 242417.92s - 2424.16s

ah, I don't need a mirror. So I just used my phone to shave and stuff like that. Bucking incredible.

Speaker 52424.66s - 2427.88s

So is there a shower? Yeah, there's a shower. Thereing, incredible. So, is there a shower? Yeah, there's a shower.

Speaker 242427.88s - 2435.14s

There's a sink. Yep. There's a toilet. Yes, sir. This is all on level two. Yep, level two. Unbelievable. What a life of luxury you're living.

Speaker 112435.52s - 2436.48s

Mere's are expensive.

Speaker 52436.72s - 2438s

That's why I'm getting the house.

Speaker 112438.16s - 2438.32s

Yeah.

Speaker 242438.42s - 2439.9s

Yeah, of course, of course, of course.

Speaker 92441.32s - 2442.2s

I want the mirror.

Speaker 242442.46s - 2444.06s

You can't get a damn old mirror.

Speaker 92444.16s - 2445.18s

What's the point of getting a mirror for? You've got to move old mirror What's the point of getting a mirror for

Speaker 52445.18s - 2446.02s

You gotta move it

Speaker 242446.02s - 2447.82s

What's the point of getting a mirror for

Speaker 92447.82s - 2457.68s

You gotta move that some bitch You gotta be running all around town The goddamn mirror Fuck that, dude New place new mirror

Speaker 72457.68s - 2458.2s

motherfucker

Speaker 52458.2s - 2513.96s

Maddie Maddie PERSON an incredible An incredibly educational performance And another very, very interesting. It's always amazing to see how people are living out here. There he goes, everybody.Maddie G. Wait, Maddie PERSON. Maddie PERSON, come back out here. You got a little joke book last time, didn't you? Yeah, give me that back. You don't get two of these fucking things.You don't get two? You don't get two of these fucking things. You don't get two. You don't get two? Some motherfucker will be using it as a pillow. God damn it. Your next comedian.This looks like a brand new name. Make some noise for Isaac Kane Brown PERSON, everybody. Isaac Kane Brown PERSON.

Speaker 212516.92s - 2580.76s

So I grew up with a little brother with Asperger's PRODUCT. I don't know if anybody has a family member of the Asperger's here. But growing up with a little brother with Asperger PRODUCT burgers is a lot like owning a pit bull. Like they're good with the family, but I got to explain a lot of shit before you come over. Like don't look them in the eyes. No sudden movements.And if he makes you uncomfortable at any point, I'll chain his ass up outside. It's fine. Really, the only bad part is when I take him on walks and he barks at black people. That's a hard one to explain. And, you know, I try to tell him, dude, let bygones be bygones. But he still hates it when those fuckers kiss in public.You know what I'm talking about? I've been trying this online dating thing out, so I've been working on pickup lines, and I've been telling women I have a black dick. Not because it's a full dick, because it's like three-fifths of a dick. You know what I'm talking about?That's all I got.

Speaker 52581.46s - 2612.24s

Fuck yeah. Isaac, Kane, Brown PERSON. Welcome to the show, Isaac PERSON. How are you? I'm doing good. How about you?I'm great. Thanks for asking. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy, Isaac PERSON? Barely two years. Barely two years. I love it.Do you also not have a mirror? It is incredible. You look like iron deficiency, John Mayer PERSON. It is amazing. You look like iron deficiency John Mayer PERSON. It is amazing. An incredible look. You look like an opposite version of the show Entourage WORK_OF_ART.

Speaker 232613.68s - 2616.38s

Like a guy that spends all his time by himself.

Speaker 162616.88s - 2619.12s

Maybe a second floor hammock at best.

Speaker 232620.98s - 2622.36s

So where do you live, Isaac PERSON?

Speaker 52622.84s - 2623.28s

Here.

Speaker 232623.6s - 2624.58s

How long have you lived here?

Speaker 162624.88s - 2625.36s

Year now. Where'd you move from? Illinois. And what do you do, Isaac? Here. How long have you lived here? Year now.

Speaker 212625.76s - 2626.64s

Where do you move from?

Speaker 52626.88s - 2629.22s

Illinois GPE. And what do you do for work? Nothing.

Speaker 212629.86s - 2631.3s

How do you survive?

Speaker 52632.38s - 2633.68s

Technically, I have a sugar mama.

Speaker 212634.32s - 2634.68s

Really?

Speaker 52634.9s - 2635.9s

How long have you been with her?

Speaker 212636.4s - 2638.02s

Three months now. And what does she do?

Speaker 52638.92s - 2640.64s

I think she's in like tech or something.

Speaker 212640.72s - 2640.96s

I don't know.

Speaker 52641s - 2641.94s

You never asked her.

Speaker 212641.94s - 2644.6s

The woman that supports you and that you fuck.

Speaker 52645.54s - 2675.76s

Yeah. You never asked her what she does that supports you and that you fuck. Yeah. You never asked her what she does for work. Well, she's married. Oh, this is all very interesting. This interview just took a turn for the good. She's definitely married.Does she have a family? No. Well, no kids. Okay. Perfect. And where did you meet this young buck? Ooh, Bumble. Bumble.Yeah. And you went on a date, or did you go straight to your place? How did it start?

Speaker 102676.06s - 2677.18s

Oh, I think somebody hit pause.

Speaker 52677.38s - 2677.62s

Yeah.

Speaker 212678.88s - 2680s

It just...

Speaker 102680s - 2685.72s

Well, she just invited me over.

Speaker 212686.26s - 2687.5s

Over to her place?

Speaker 102687.58s - 2687.78s

Yeah.

Speaker 212687.94s - 2689.4s

Where the husband was at work?

Speaker 52689.7s - 2692.28s

He wasn't there. Well, where's the husband? I don't know.

Speaker 112692.36s - 2693.44s

You check behind the curtains?

Speaker 52693.7s - 2694.52s

I bet he was watching.

Speaker 112694.94s - 2696.02s

I don't ask questions.

Speaker 52698.5s - 2702.56s

I don't ask questions. Were there, like, pictures of her and him in the place or anything like that?

Speaker 212702.56s - 2703.06s

Oh, yeah.

Speaker 52703.28s - 2704.06s

It was pretty bad.

Speaker 212704.26s - 2710.1s

Like, the whole hallway was lined with them. pictures of them together their family all together the wedding photos

Speaker 52710.1s - 2715.88s

everything the vacation to Jamaica GPE yeah okay and she took you straight to her bedroom yeah where he

Speaker 212715.88s - 2722.34s

sleeps at night yes and you made love to her yes and what is the first thing that you did exactly

Speaker 52722.34s - 2725.58s

when you did that well like after I come or before I come?

Speaker 212725.58s - 2726.28s

Before you come?

Speaker 52726.36s - 2731.94s

As soon as you walk into the bedroom, what do you do? You take off your shoes or were your shoes off at the door? Because she's running out.

Speaker 212731.94s - 2742.12s

Well, first I looked at the pictures and went, that's weird. And I was like, that's probably just like a fun collage or something. Right. And then I fucked and I came and I was like, well, this is probably pretty bad and I shouldn't be doing this.

Speaker 52742.76s - 2744.3s

And then she's like, you want some money?

Speaker 152746s - 2747.86s

Well, I just, she just

Speaker 52747.86s - 2749.48s

kind of sends the money over cash-ed.

Speaker 152749.48s - 2750.9s

Yeah, what's your rate? What's you getting?

Speaker 212751.38s - 2754s

Great, great? Great question. I appreciate that

Speaker 52754s - 2756.1s

that was funny. I'm genuinely curious.

Speaker 102757.04s - 2758.12s

Wait, wait, wait. Do you mean, like,

Speaker 52758.16s - 2760.08s

overall how much money I've gotten or how much

Speaker 102760.08s - 2762.14s

money I get each time? Each time. Yeah, I mean,

Speaker 212762.16s - 2765.76s

this, you know, we're not We're not doing Real World Rules Challenge

Speaker 102765.76s - 2767.24s

where we've added up to...

Speaker 212767.24s - 2769.18s

This isn't Squid Game EVENT, where you got a bank going.

Speaker 102769.18s - 2772.24s

I want to know what you're getting, like, a week or a month.

Speaker 212772.24s - 2777.24s

Two to 300. A week? Just when I ask. You should ask more.

Speaker 102777.24s - 2791.16s

Yeah. I do. Two to 300 bucks, you're like, hey, hook me up. Can I... How does this... God, I'm so confused. Also, back to your stand-up really quick. how does this, God, I'm so confused.Also, back to your stand-up really quick. I think it was racist, but it really confused me at the same time.

Speaker 52792.2s - 2792.6s

So I don't know.

Speaker 102793.08s - 2793.52s

Okay, so.

Speaker 52795.16s - 2797.24s

Well, let's stick away from the stand-up. Let's stick with this, uh, uh, no, I know.

Speaker 102797.24s - 2799.74s

But I had to get that out because I didn't know if I was dumb or not.

Speaker 52799.86s - 2803.52s

Has she ever offered to iron your t-shirts for you? No, not at all.

Speaker 102803.6s - 2810.2s

I can tell. I can tell. Yeah, we can tell. So, uh... Go fuck yourself, dude. Wait,

Speaker 162810.26s - 2812.3s

who are you talking to? You? You're telling

Speaker 52812.3s - 2814.12s

me to go fuck myself because you have a wrinkly

Speaker 162814.12s - 2816.54s

shirt? Yeah. Wow. Isaac PERSON,

Speaker 52817.04s - 2819.54s

you're going to be a wild success in this business

Speaker 162819.54s - 2835.68s

with thick skin like yours. Go fuck yourself. Yo, fuck yourself. How dare you say my wrinkled shirt is wrinkled? Oh, dude. Go fuck yourself. Yo, fuck yourself. How dare you say my wrinkled shirt is wrinkled? Oh, dude. You're killing it, Isaac PERSON.I love it. Let's find out more about you before you fuck this up even more.

Speaker 52838.86s - 2842.2s

Do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? You good at anything? No, not at all.

Speaker 212842.22s - 2843.68s

No, not at all. No. What do you do for fun?

Speaker 52844.4s - 2846.02s

Okay, tell us how you're a piece of shit.

Speaker 212846.36s - 2847.88s

Well, I'm fucking married women.

Speaker 52848s - 2849.06s

That's probably like number one.

Speaker 212849.06s - 2849.24s

Other than that.

Speaker 52849.3s - 2850.56s

We already know that about you.

Speaker 212850.76s - 2851.46s

Anything else?

Speaker 52852.84s - 2853.62s

Unemployed veteran.

Speaker 212854s - 2854.92s

Oh, you're a veteran.

Speaker 52855.14s - 2855.42s

Yeah.

Speaker 212855.52s - 2855.78s

Okay.

Speaker 52855.92s - 2856.88s

What branch were you in?

Speaker 212856.96s - 2857.4s

Marine Corps ORG.

Speaker 52857.68s - 2858s

Okay.

Speaker 212858.32s - 2867.88s

And did you serve overseas? I did. Okay, tell us about that. Anything interesting happened over there. What do you mean interesting? You're asking if I killed people or something?

Speaker 52868.46s - 2869.92s

That would be interesting.

Speaker 212871.66s - 2872.6s

Oh, man.

Speaker 52872.8s - 2879.1s

Can I go back to interrogating? Sure, yeah. Go right ahead. Daniel Bancirk.

Speaker 212879.22s - 2879.84s

How long did you serve?

Speaker 52880.36s - 2880.86s

Four years.

Speaker 102881.1s - 2882.06s

Okay, where were you deployed?

Speaker 52883.5s - 2884.84s

Iraq GPE would be the most notable one.

Speaker 212884.84s - 2888.82s

Now, when Tony asked you what you did over there, your first thought was killing people.

Speaker 102888.94s - 2889.4s

Was that mean?

Speaker 212889.62s - 2891.82s

It's the same question everybody asks every single time.

Speaker 102891.9s - 2892.88s

They ask you that a lot?

Speaker 212893.06s - 2901.14s

Yes, a shit done. Why do you think people ask you that? I don't know. Movies and shit. Movies and shit. You like movies?No.

Speaker 52901.4s - 2902.44s

There's a lot of anger.

Speaker 212902.68s - 2903.76s

You have a lot of anger in you.

Speaker 102903.92s - 2932.56s

I'm really close. I'm really close. I'm really close. Okay. Do you think you'll keep seeing this woman that gives you $2,300 to $300 occasionally? Eh, for a little bit. Do you like her?No. I think what we all want to know is, you planning on killing her? Can't you? Nothing further, Sergeant.

Speaker 52934.32s - 2935.56s

Case dismissed.

Speaker 102936.44s - 2937.58s

I love it.

Speaker 52938.38s - 2940.14s

Isaac Kane Brown PERSON, congratulations.

Speaker 102940.98s - 2942.74s

And you got pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 52942.84s - 2962.34s

Here's a little joke book. Isaac Kane Brown PERSON, ladies and gentlemen. I saw the, he killed people. Yeah. I saw it in his eyes on the wrinkled shirt line. Did you know I used to be?

Speaker 42962.34s - 2965.08s

I don't know anybody notice. You're a fucking piece of shit.

Speaker 52965.88s - 2967.5s

How koki dokey.

Speaker 42967.72s - 2976s

Hey, don't make fun of a man's uniform, okay? All right, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to get one

Speaker 52976s - 2982.08s

of our esteemed regulars up here. One of the greatest to ever do it on this show. This is a brand new

Speaker 82982.08s - 2996.64s

minute from Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Shut up, bitch.

Speaker 182998.44s - 3069.1s

Been talking all night, shut the fuck up, bitch. No, I'm playing. I love you, white lady. I'm not having a good time. I'm pretty mad about life right now. I've been talking to the girl for a couple months,and she's been pretty cool. But a couple days ago, Drake followed her on Instagram ORG. Yeah, you feel me, nigga. And I don't know what to do now, though, because it's like I lost. I've already lost the game.Like, bitch, that's Drake PERSON. You feel me? Like, even if it do come down to it and she picked me over Drake PERSON, that bitch don't make good decisions. My ownmama would pick Drake PERSON over me. That's crazy. My home brother tried to tell me, like, you got to understand something, bro. Like, you're getting better in life, you're getting bigger, more people know who you is. Now, it's kind of like Drake PERSON is like the Avengers ORG, but you're like the Guardians of the Galaxy.Let me explain something to y'all. The Avengers ORG have like real superheroes on their team, like the Hulk, like Thor, like Spider-Man PERSON. Them real superheroes, though. The Guardians of the Galaxy has a raccoon, a fucking tree, and a regular guy with gumption.That's crazy That guy's so much Wow

Speaker 53069.1s - 3072.8s

Absolutely incredible

Speaker 183072.8s - 3074.26s

Did it again

Speaker 53074.26s - 3075.6s

Cam Patterson

Speaker 183075.6s - 3082.62s

Very funny Very funny Unbelievable Sleeps not on a hammock

Speaker 53082.62s - 3088.76s

Has a mirror Hell yeah. Everything is lined up.

Speaker 183088.76s - 3089.76s

Oh, wait a minute.

Speaker 53089.76s - 3090.76s

Oh.

Speaker 183090.76s - 3094.24s

This just said, Marquisha Davis just went number 11 in the end.

Speaker 53094.24s - 3097.76s

Marquisha Davis PERSON, congratulations.

Speaker 183097.76s - 3099.24s

I do believe she's in the audience.

Speaker 53099.24s - 3100.76s

She's right over there.

Speaker 183100.76s - 3104.24s

Hey, real shit, that's a real name, niggins.

Speaker 53104.24s - 3105.76s

She really just went number 11, though.

Speaker 183106.58s - 3107.8s

Marquisha PERSON? I swear to God.

Speaker 53108.28s - 3109.74s

Well, wait, we're getting word.

Speaker 183109.86s - 3111.36s

Drake PERSON just followed her on Instagram.

Speaker 53112s - 3112.78s

Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 83113.5s - 3114.84s

She got drafted twice.

Speaker 53115.2s - 3116.12s

She got drafted twice.

Speaker 83117.04s - 3118.84s

You know who's going to love this set?

Speaker 53119.2s - 3119.64s

Drake PERSON.

Speaker 83120.6s - 3122.42s

He watches every week.

Speaker 53122.48s - 3123.56s

You know, we followed on Instagram ORG,

Speaker 83123.72s - 3125.86s

kill Tony PERSON. And he messaged the account.

Speaker 53126.1s - 3127.48s

And all that he said was

Speaker 83127.48s - 3129.74s

Casey Rocket PERSON equals,

Speaker 53130.08s - 3131.22s

and then he did a goat emoji.

Speaker 143131.28s - 3131.78s

Come on, huh?

Speaker 53132.54s - 3133.38s

A little fun back.

Speaker 83133.72s - 3135.98s

Drake PERSON watches every week

Speaker 183135.98s - 3137.48s

with his entourage.

Speaker 53138.52s - 3140.3s

Stop following my bitchus, nigga.

Speaker 183140.6s - 3142.42s

Oh my goodness gracious.

Speaker 53143.42s - 3147.92s

Just when you thought Drake PERSON couldn't have beef with more young, talented

Speaker 43147.92s - 3150.74s

black artists, Cam Patterson.

Speaker 53151.74s - 3160.18s

Leave my hose alone. You would think he has enough, but he just can't get enough. He's going for your hose.

Speaker 183160.26s - 3162.4s

Yeah, why my hose? Huh? He's going for

Speaker 53162.4s - 3165.78s

yo bitches. That's a compliment. That's a compliment.

Speaker 103166.02s - 3166.98s

That's a compliment.

Speaker 113167.3s - 3167.56s

Janice PERSON,

Speaker 103167.56s - 3168.72s

yes, it is.

Speaker 53168.88s - 3171.56s

Janice just text me and said Drake PERSON's following her also.

Speaker 113171.94s - 3172.46s

Uh-oh.

Speaker 53172.82s - 3173.8s

Look at that.

Speaker 113173.98s - 3174.5s

Our ladies.

Speaker 163174.82s - 3175.16s

Wow.

Speaker 103175.54s - 3176.5s

Red band's drunk.

Speaker 163178.68s - 3179.74s

Breaking news.

Speaker 103179.9s - 3180.94s

Red band's drunk.

Speaker 163186.04s - 3188.4s

If Drake followed Janus PERSON, this just in,

Speaker 103188.64s - 3190.28s

Drake PERSON is drunk as well.

Speaker 53193.6s - 3194.54s

I love it.

Speaker 43194.62s - 3197.1s

So Cam PERSON, what else is going on in this beautiful world?

Speaker 53197.3s - 3197.88s

Shit, nothing, man.

Speaker 183197.9s - 3198.96s

You're running around, doing shows,

Speaker 53199.06s - 3199.66s

trying to get better.

Speaker 183199.84s - 3200.18s

You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 53200.26s - 3203.8s

San San, shit. Daniel Van Kirk PERSON, is this your first time seeing the young buck,

Speaker 103203.8s - 3211.68s

Sam, or Sam, Sam Catterson PERSON, everybody. Everybody loves Sam Catterson PERSON. Yeah, that was phenomenal.

Speaker 43211.84s - 3232.14s

Yeah, the energy coming out. I always say to people, you're already past this, but I always people are starting out, and you do this super well, play to the room that you're in, rather than the show you thought you were going to have. And from the second you came out you played to this room and that dictated the energy of your setand where you want I mean you still hit all your fucking marks

Speaker 183232.14s - 3234.46s

I love these white people man I need my white people you know what I'm saying

Speaker 53234.46s - 3248.62s

they are yeah there are what about the blonde black lesbian there in the middle of the rim that my dog here's good nigga he's good dude you're a good dude you a dude right you a nigga that's a good, nigga. He's a good, dude. You know what I'm saying? All right. You a dude, though, right? You a nigga? That's a dude. That's a dude.

Speaker 183248.62s - 3254.82s

Why he looked surprised? We just got worried he got drafted to the actual NBA ORG draft.

Speaker 53255.1s - 3259.28s

Okay. I fucked up. He is beautiful. This dude has like some Prince PERSON energy.

Speaker 183259.62s - 3263.1s

It really is. Yeah. It really is. Did you sign up by any chance? I mean that.

Speaker 103263.28s - 3265.94s

You have a minute? Did you sign up for the show?

Speaker 183266s - 3266.84s

Do you have a minute prepared?

Speaker 103268.14s - 3269.34s

Do you have...

Speaker 43269.34s - 3271.24s

We got to...

Speaker 53271.24s - 3283.88s

Let him do a minute. Should we bring him up here? Come on up, buddy. Get his ass up here. Come on. Let's go.Oh, you were told not to by the... Look at this. Come on. Get up here.

Speaker 103283.88s - 3285.8s

Never meant to cause you any trouble. never meant to cause you in trouble.

Speaker 53287.9s - 3290.14s

Never meant to cause you any pain.

Speaker 103292.86s - 3296.04s

Oh, let me want to see you.

Speaker 53296.04s - 3299.14s

It's in is that purple rain.

Speaker 103299.44s - 3303.44s

Oh, purple rain, purple rain.

Speaker 143303.72s - 3304.46s

Come on, motherfucker.

Speaker 103304.46s - 3305.06s

Come on, motherfucker. Thank you, Motherbug PERSON.

Speaker 143307.86s - 3311.22s

Purple rain, purple rain.

Speaker 03313.38s - 3315.46s

All right, all right, all right, all right.

Speaker 143316.68s - 3317.28s

You're beautiful.

Speaker 53317.28s - 3333.12s

You're a beautiful. We might get YouTube ORG copyright striked because it sounds like Purple Rain WORK_OF_ART. Hello, my friend. Welcome to the show. How about a hand for this guy, fearless.What's your name? I'm John PERSON. Most of my friends call me Johnu PERSON. John PERSON?

Speaker 223333.44s - 3337.52s

Yes. I like your style. What do you do? What club do you promote for, John PERSON?

Speaker 53338.82s - 3341.72s

Can you tell us where the hot bitches will be tonight?

Speaker 223342.52s - 3343.64s

They're right over there.

Speaker 53344.26s - 3346.36s

I love it. I love it. I love it. Right over there.

Speaker 223346.44s - 3348.06s

I love it. Absolutely. Two fives

Speaker 53348.06s - 3349.22s

make a ten. We love it.

Speaker 223350.36s - 3350.66s

Definitely.

Speaker 53351.62s - 3353.96s

Absolutely. How many music videos have you shot on an

Speaker 103353.96s - 3355.14s

escalator? How many?

Speaker 53361.14s - 3362.92s

God, you're so intimidating.

Speaker 103362.92s - 3365.68s

Let's make this more interested.

Speaker 73365.94s - 3367.58s

I'm not American NORP, so I don't do it.

Speaker 223367.58s - 3368.26s

Where are you from?

Speaker 73368.34s - 3369.42s

Trinidad and Tobago GPE.

Speaker 43369.64s - 3371.24s

Trinidad and Tobago GPE.

Speaker 73371.38s - 3373.08s

That's come up two weeks in a row.

Speaker 43373.26s - 3374.44s

A red and white flag.

Speaker 53374.52s - 3375.04s

Am I correct?

Speaker 43375.2s - 3375.7s

Yes, sir.

Speaker 73375.92s - 3376.44s

Absolutely.

Speaker 53376.68s - 3377.1s

Represent.

Speaker 223378.34s - 3381.46s

Trinidad GPE and Tobago, a little TNT. TNT ORG. TNT.

Speaker 53381.62s - 3389.06s

As you all like to call them, island boys. Right. No, not all of us like that at all.

Speaker 103389.1s - 3389.78s

Thank you.

Speaker 223390.06s - 3390.64s

Thank you.

Speaker 103390.68s - 3394.96s

Some of us meet humans in this world and go, can I hit delete on this?

Speaker 133395.12s - 3396.12s

Yes, yes.

Speaker 163396.68s - 3398.98s

So, let me ask you.

Speaker 133399.46s - 3402.06s

John, what brought you to Austin, Texas GPE?

Speaker 163403.1s - 3404.3s

You want the real answer?

Speaker 133404.72s - 3405.9s

I want both answers. I want the real answer? I want both answers.

Speaker 103406s - 3408.52s

I want the real answer and the answer you were going to lie.

Speaker 223408.68s - 3409.02s

All right.

Speaker 53409.12s - 3412.02s

First of all, first of all, I didn't even know Austin was a real place.

Speaker 223413s - 3414s

Well, that's good.

Speaker 53414.18s - 3418s

85% of the people in the room have never heard of Trinidad and Tobago GPE.

Speaker 223418.56s - 3421.22s

So we are even Stevens PERSON there, my friend.

Speaker 53421.74s - 3425.42s

95% of the room didn't know black guys could have blonde hair.

Speaker 223426.32s - 3428.26s

So this is incredible what's happening here.

Speaker 53428.34s - 3429.72s

We're all learning about each other.

Speaker 223429.8s - 3431.86s

All at the same time, the show is live.

Speaker 53431.96s - 3433.14s

Everything is improvised.

Speaker 103433.24s - 3435.18s

We had no idea we were going to call you up tonight.

Speaker 223435.28s - 3439.38s

That is the treat of being a blonde black man in Austin, Texas GPE.

Speaker 103439.38s - 3440.52s

We're like, what's that?

Speaker 223440.58s - 3441.44s

Get up here.

Speaker 103442.96s - 3444.5s

What the fuck?

Speaker 223444.66s - 3445.68s

Come on, buddy.

Speaker 103446.34s - 3448.2s

We want to learn more about you.

Speaker 223449.6s - 3452.22s

He just looks like his life is filled of women saying,

Speaker 53452.32s - 3453.3s

you promise you're going to call?

Speaker 223458.22s - 3459.74s

Mine is filled with women going,

Speaker 53459.86s - 3460.66s

I guess.

Speaker 223462.02s - 3463.68s

I love your style.

Speaker 53464s - 3464.5s

I appreciate it.

Speaker 223464.52s - 3465.22s

I appreciate it. I appreciate it.

Speaker 113465.26s - 3467.62s

So how did you say, I didn't get an answer.

Speaker 53467.72s - 3468.22s

How did you end up?

Speaker 103468.22s - 3470.92s

I moved here from my ex.

Speaker 53471.64s - 3471.96s

Okay.

Speaker 103472.48s - 3473.66s

No, no, it's no, ooh.

Speaker 43473.8s - 3474.88s

It's no, it's all good.

Speaker 103474.98s - 3475.58s

Everything is good.

Speaker 53475.66s - 3476.36s

Like, I love Austin.

Speaker 223476.44s - 3477.22s

It's a beautiful city.

Speaker 53477.98s - 3478.92s

I broke up with her.

Speaker 223479.26s - 3480.24s

I just want to make that clear.

Speaker 103480.44s - 3481.72s

Yeah, we know.

Speaker 223482.02s - 3484.34s

Yeah, you saw one night. I was the one night. I broke up with her.

Speaker 103484.7s - 3488.12s

You saw one night of pastel rompers and you were like, done.

Speaker 223488.38s - 3492.26s

Bye. Goodbye. But you're still here in Austin.

Speaker 53492.26s - 3504.5s

I'm still here in Austin. And what have you been doing for fun? Tell us about it. For fun? Or for work. Either one. I'm just guessing you have more fun than do work. Just guessing.

Speaker 223505.5s - 3516.52s

Well, I'd like to say that my motto is work hard, play hard. So I'd like to say I work equally as hard as I play. What do you do for work? I'm afraid to say because one guy said it already and he got roasted.

Speaker 53517.16s - 3517.36s

Yeah.

Speaker 223517.8s - 3518.1s

Really?

Speaker 53518.36s - 3523.52s

Yeah. You really do software? Yeah. No fucking way. I'm so serious. I never would have guessed that by the...

Speaker 163523.52s - 3525.16s

I never would have guessed that by the... I never would have guessed that by the...

Speaker 03525.16s - 3527.42s

And here we go.

Speaker 53528.3s - 3538.06s

Bring it on. Bring it on. Let's go. It's too late now. I was going to say I never would have guessed that by the color of your hair. Would have gotten a much bigger laugh 20 seconds ago.

Speaker 223538.06s - 3545.24s

To be with you, I'd like to let you know that the hair lady fucked up. Like, this is not what I wanted. You see, they got like five different colors going on inside of the shit. It's not what I asked for. But hey, I still rock is not what I wanted. You see, they got like five different colors going on inside of the shit. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 53545.24s - 3547.94s

It's not what I asked for. But, hey, I still rock it because I am me.

Speaker 223548.44s - 3548.86s

Absolutely.

Speaker 53549.14s - 3549.42s

Yeah.

Speaker 223549.7s - 3554.32s

Absolutely. It's what's on the inside that counts and the size of your massive cock.

Speaker 53556.4s - 3560.04s

So, you work in software. Are you based out of Austin now?

Speaker 223560.44s - 3562.04s

Yes, I'm based out of Austin now, yes.

Speaker 53562.04s - 3584.24s

Okay. And tell us, tell us the truth. How many have, how many beautiful white girls have you corrupted since you've been here? Today, just today. My guess is two today. Is it a higher or lower than two?Today?

Speaker 103584.56s - 3585.82s

Yeah, Draft Kings.

Speaker 53586.36s - 3600.16s

Draft Kings has the over-under at two white bitches, it says. That is the over-under for white bitches for John PERSON, which is definitely a shortened version of a longer name today.

Speaker 223600.66s - 3602.24s

Jonathan PERSON, if you will. Sure.

Speaker 53604.02s - 3606.26s

I guess if I'm being real,

Speaker 223606.44s - 3609.54s

probably three today. Three today.

Speaker 53609.78s - 3613.96s

Look at that. Who would have taken the over? Come on. That is incredible.

Speaker 163616.52s - 3618.08s

Red band's trying to shoehorn

Speaker 53618.08s - 3630.36s

the Harlem Globetrotters ORG theme song into this. That's what we think you are. We think you're the Globetrotter of White Pussy PRODUCT.

Speaker 143631.66s - 3633.66s

This is a guy that makes it look easy,

Speaker 53634.02s - 3636.72s

spins it around on your fingertip like that.

Speaker 143638.82s - 3639.62s

You got there.

Speaker 103639.82s - 3640.5s

You got there.

Speaker 143640.98s - 3642.96s

See, that's going to be my Instagram handle now.

Speaker 103643.28s - 3644.06s

I love that.

Speaker 53644.26s - 3645s

Repeat it again? White Pussy Globetrotter. White Pussy Globetrotter. We just got word. Drake PERSON just that's going to be my Instagram now. I love that. Repeat it again?

Speaker 103645.24s - 3646.48s

White pussy globetrotter.

Speaker 53646.62s - 3647.78s

White pussy globetrotter.

Speaker 103647.92s - 3648.64s

We just got word.

Speaker 223648.76s - 3650.2s

Drake just followed you on Instagram ORG.

Speaker 103652.32s - 3653.26s

So good.

Speaker 53654.88s - 3656.86s

I'm just still picturing you

Speaker 223656.86s - 3660.24s

and your software engineer co-workers out to lunch

Speaker 53660.24s - 3662.36s

and how confusing that must be

Speaker 223662.36s - 3664.1s

for every Chipotle ORG employee.

Speaker 53670.5s - 3672.5s

These three dudes hanging out with this fucking Playgirl PRODUCT model. It is...

Speaker 223672.5s - 3673.5s

Honestly, dude, you're so right.

Speaker 53673.5s - 3676s

Like, honestly, I mute myself at work.

Speaker 223676s - 3676.5s

You do?

Speaker 103676.5s - 3677.5s

I mute myself at work.

Speaker 223677.5s - 3679.5s

How do you tone it down?

Speaker 103679.5s - 3681s

Well, I go up to them and I'm like,

Speaker 223681s - 3682s

hi, Jerry PERSON.

Speaker 103682s - 3684s

Pleasure to meet you.

Speaker 223687.78s - 3690.6s

And Jerry PERSON's like, can I suck your fucking cock?

Speaker 103692.24s - 3693.08s

This is Jerry PERSON.

Speaker 223693.2s - 3696.02s

How's it going, John PERSON? How's it going?

Speaker 53696.46s - 3698.82s

I have a wife, but I'll do things.

Speaker 73698.82s - 3699.5s

Oh, John PERSON.

Speaker 53701.1s - 3703.68s

Come here, John PERSON. Let's hang more.

Speaker 163703.82s - 3704.88s

Oh, we're fuck.

Speaker 53706.68s - 3708.52s

Punch lower and we're in business.

Speaker 93711.06s - 3713.52s

John, you want to come back to my second floor hammock?

Speaker 53714.68s - 3716.58s

I'd just like to say, if you're living in a hammock for over a year and a half,

Speaker 73716.62s - 3717.32s

you need to do better.

Speaker 43717.4s - 3717.84s

Just hang.

Speaker 93719.44s - 3721.54s

I have no idea what you just said.

Speaker 53721.82s - 3724.72s

It's one of the best prayers I've ever heard in my life.

Speaker 223726.8s - 3727.12s

Wow. Sorry, I'm not familiar with being on stage. I was one of the best prayers I've ever heard in my life. Wow.

Speaker 53727.24s - 3729.22s

Sorry, I'm not familiar with being on stage.

Speaker 223729.28s - 3730.76s

I don't even know how you're talking at mic, dog.

Speaker 53730.76s - 3735.7s

No, you're doing great. So far, best fucking interview of the night. So it's incredible what we've got to do.

Speaker 163740.6s - 3742.64s

Putting a ribbon on this thing, though.

Speaker 53742.8s - 3762.84s

Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Because I have a feeling that you can create a lot of a very slippery situations. I get the feeling that you've made gushers out of fucking out of some real stiff software broads before. No comment.

Speaker 223763.3s - 3764.02s

No comment?

Speaker 53765.34s - 3767.54s

John PERSON, that's not how it works here.

Speaker 223767.56s - 3769.22s

No, you're right, you're right, you're right, you're right.

Speaker 53769.46s - 3770.42s

You're right, you're right.

Speaker 43770.42s - 3772.18s

I don't want you're coming off to me right.

Speaker 53772.24s - 3773s

You're right, you're so right.

Speaker 43773.2s - 3773.9s

Got them, sir.

Speaker 223773.96s - 3776.72s

Give us one little trick that you like to do in the bedroom.

Speaker 43776.9s - 3782.28s

Is there a position or a something or an angle or a move that you've, that you've kind of...

Speaker 223782.28s - 3783.44s

All right, this is going to sound a little weird.

Speaker 43783.5s - 3784.1s

No, it's great.

Speaker 223784.18s - 3784.88s

I doubt that.

Speaker 53785.8s - 3786.94s

Anytime anybody says that,

Speaker 223787s - 3787.86s

that's when we're about to get

Speaker 43787.86s - 3789.18s

what I call the shit.

Speaker 223790.24s - 3794.92s

Here we go. Honestly, it's not even the shit. Being real, I just appreciate the female body.

Speaker 03795.22s - 3795.84s

I really do.

Speaker 53796.16s - 3797.1s

Yes. I really do.

Speaker 223797.46s - 3803.3s

The curves, the accentures, all that stuff is good. So I... Do you really want me to be going to be? Yes.

Speaker 53804.46s - 3806.82s

Oh, this is going to be so good.

Speaker 223807.16s - 3808.14s

It's not even not good.

Speaker 53808.14s - 3816.42s

I've been doing this show for 11 years. I know when a fucking epic answer's about to happen. He just said, are you sure you want me to do it? Like, yes.

Speaker 223816.92s - 3818.64s

It really, it really isn't.

Speaker 53818.72s - 3822.5s

It really isn't anything crazy. It's just teach us the Trinidad and the Tobago GPE.

Speaker 223822.5s - 3833.1s

I just... So you got a beautiful, voluptuous white bitch on your bed.

Speaker 53835.4s - 3836.3s

You're appreciating.

Speaker 163836.3s - 3844.9s

I mean, like, it's not even anything crazy, where I mean, I just like to put you in a position, multiple positions, probably left you up, put you up against the wall.

Speaker 53844.9s - 3845.16s

Oh, yeah. Put you in a position, multiple positions. Probably lift you up, put you up against the wall.

Speaker 223845.64s - 3849.84s

Oh, yeah.

Speaker 53851.32s - 3851.8s

We might go to the kitchen.

Speaker 163852.36s - 3852.54s

Might what?

Speaker 223853.64s - 3853.84s

We might go to the kitchen.

Speaker 53854.84s - 3854.92s

Oh, my God.

Speaker 223856.16s - 3857.78s

They're going to make you a sandwich. I might have her make me a sandwich.

Speaker 53858.02s - 3858.62s

Her, not me.

Speaker 223858.76s - 3859.36s

Rye bread.

Speaker 53859.96s - 3861s

No, I don't fuck with rye bread.

Speaker 43861s - 3861.52s

No, no.

Speaker 223861.66s - 3863.52s

Pumpernickel. I don't fuck with rye bread.

Speaker 163864.84s - 3865.22s

You know?

Speaker 223866.48s - 3870s

Then we might drink a little wine. We already fucked at this point.

Speaker 53871.22s - 3871.76s

Might drink a little wine.

Speaker 223871.76s - 3872.52s

Michael's excited.

Speaker 53872.64s - 3875.62s

He plays the drums really hard when he gets excited over there.

Speaker 133878.04s - 3881.16s

This is the weirdest DeAngelo PERSON song I've ever heard.

Speaker 53881.16s - 3882.28s

I don't see this shit right now.

Speaker 223882.44s - 3883.18s

Go ahead.

Speaker 53883.32s - 3883.74s

Keep on.

Speaker 223884.4s - 3885.28s

And then what do you do? Then what do I do? I mean, it's different for each person, but I'm just saying, I've ever seen this shit right now. Go ahead, keep on. And then what do you do?

Speaker 133886.18s - 3886.8s

Then what do I do?

Speaker 223886.86s - 3888.24s

I mean, it's different for each person,

Speaker 53888.32s - 3890.54s

but I'm just saying, like, in general, like, you know.

Speaker 133891s - 3892.24s

All the things you just named,

Speaker 223892.3s - 3894.24s

I would have come eight times already.

Speaker 53895.34s - 3897.7s

By the time I'm in the kitchen, I'd be dead.

Speaker 223899.14s - 3901.66s

You'd have to drag me to the kitchen after that.

Speaker 53901.88s - 3903.44s

Also, I'd just like to say for kitchen sex,

Speaker 223903.48s - 3907.3s

you've got to be tall enough to, like, fit the countertop height. It is true.

Speaker 53907.32s - 3912.32s

No showdies in the kitchen. No showdies.

Speaker 163913.54s - 3914.8s

Wow, that is incredible.

Speaker 223915.44s - 3926.1s

What is the longest you think you've ever... Red band's showing me how long this interview is going. Red band's afraid of what the comments might say. What would they spend time with a random audience

Speaker 43926.1s - 3927.66s

member? Okay.

Speaker 53928s - 3942.12s

What's the longest you think you've lasted with a woman? Your longest session ever, that horny bitch wants to know. The longest you've ever lasted or perhapsrecharge and immediately gone again.

Speaker 223942.12s - 3943.92s

Okay, good. That's what I was about to speak.

Speaker 53944.08s - 3945.9s

Oh, because you have that... Let's specify that point.

Speaker 223945.92s - 3947.48s

You have that fucking Tesla ORG battery.

Speaker 53948.3s - 3950.14s

You're like ready to go immediately.

Speaker 223950.74s - 3951.56s

The supercharger.

Speaker 53952.48s - 3953.88s

The longest of going back to back.

Speaker 223954.78s - 3955.62s

Back to back.

Speaker 53955.84s - 3957.34s

For those of you all that didn't get the message.

Speaker 223957.34s - 3958.76s

But, but...

Speaker 53958.76s - 3960.46s

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Speaker 223960.52s - 3962.12s

Okay. Let's be real here. No one's

Speaker 53962.12s - 3964.18s

fucking for two hours straight and like not coming.

Speaker 223964.52s - 3969.18s

Right? Like, what I mean by this is like, you know, there's four plate is all the shit you do.

Speaker 53969.3s - 3973.62s

Sandwiches. You know what I mean? Sandwich in the kitchen. Exactly. Exactly.

Speaker 223974.42s - 3979.58s

You know, sometimes you might take a little intermission. Whatever it is you need. But like, you're still in the mix.

Speaker 53979.58s - 3984.58s

Watch house hunters. House owners international. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Specifically interracial.

Speaker 223984.58s - 3985.4s

Like for a bargain hunt.

Speaker 03985.4s - 3986.4s

I did it.

Speaker 103986.4s - 3989.9s

What's the fastest you think you've ever recharged?

Speaker 03989.9s - 3992.9s

So that means come to reinsertion.

Speaker 103992.9s - 3995.7s

What's your fastest turnover rate there?

Speaker 03995.7s - 3998.1s

And we will be fact-checking this with your friends.

Speaker 223998.1s - 3999.1s

Yes.

Speaker 103999.1s - 4001.4s

That's cool, that's cool.

Speaker 54001.4s - 4005.54s

Probably about honestly, like 15 minutes.

Speaker 104005.54s - 4006.66s

Okay, that's human.

Speaker 54007.12s - 4008.16s

That's what I'm seeing, dog.

Speaker 104008.2s - 4009s

I'm no one special.

Speaker 54009.36s - 4009.72s

Okay.

Speaker 224010.2s - 4013.86s

I mean, well, you know, we can't judge a book by its cover.

Speaker 54014.4s - 4018.22s

You seem like the kind of guy that could just absolutely go nonstop.

Speaker 164020.38s - 4025.74s

Well, congratulations on being the most interesting interview of the night.

Speaker 224026.94s - 4031.14s

Trinidad and Tobago Zone, John PERSON, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 54031.76s - 4045.3s

John PERSON. Hell yeah, man. Fuck. Amazing. All right. Now back to comedians, attempting to do a minute uninterrupted.How about another hand for Heidi PERSON, everybody?

Speaker 164047.3s - 4048.48s

Thank you very much.

Speaker 54049s - 4091.04s

Unbelievable. John PERSON's about to fuck the shit out of her. Hello, hello! This show is sponsored by Cook Unity ORG. Guys, I love Terry Black's barbecue here in Austin. I've been craving their brisket like crazy.And I was thinking, how great would it be to get that level of culinary satisfaction from home? If you've got culinary taste, you know how expensive exploring your local food scene can get or how hard it is to find the time and energy to try somewhere new. Cook Unity is the first chef to you service delivering locally sourced meals from award-winning chefs right to your door every week. And it's cheaper than any other delivery options so go to cookunity.com slash tony or enter code tony before check out for 50% off

Speaker 114091.04s - 4097.84s

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there was shrimp chicken and sausage mixed into it it was heaven cook unity blows all the other

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meal delivery services out of the water.

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Speaker 14172.24s - 4235.44s

I definitely have a drinking problem. The wake-up call was two weeks ago. I got blackout, and I emailed a picture of my asshole and my second-grade teacher. It was even weirder when he replied, wow, it hasn't changed a bit.Actually, I just sent it on a burner Facebook and on his Facebook account, and he replied, Jacob? So, yeah. This asshole's one of a kind. I've been arrested three timesfor possession of marijuana, which you cannot eat three and a half grams of marijuana. At least in the time it takes for a cop to get to your window. But when I got pulled over, of course, I was coughing up marijuana all over the inside of my Prius PRODUCT. And the cop looks down at me, he goes, are you aware it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon?And I looked up at him, I said, are you aware of the losses inflicted upon the Russians in the defense of Stalingrad GPE? So I went to jail. Yeah. Luckily, I'd never gotten to cocaine. Ialingrad GPE. So I went to jail. Yeah. Luckily, I'd never gotten to cocaine. I will say this. I've tried cocaine once.On numerous occasions. Very good.

Speaker 54235.62s - 4254s

Jacob Cantor. One of the strongest sets, not from a regular tonight. Very funny, Jacob. Thank you. Where are you from?Longview, Texas GPE. This is your first time on the show? Second time. And both gone as well as this one? Yeah, the first time went really well. Wow, good stuff.You got a big joke book last time.

Speaker 14254s - 4261.64s

Yes. Incredible. Well, here you are again. A fantastic set. You squeezed a lot of material into that minute. Got a lot of laughs.

Speaker 54263.12s - 4265.08s

Remind us, what do you do for work? What's going on? I work at Whole Foods ORG. Oh, that's right. Yeah, lot of laughs. Remind us, what do you do for work? What's going on?

Speaker 14265.08s - 4271.42s

I work at Whole Foods. Oh, that's right. Yeah, MAGA Asian. What? Maga Asians NORP bit. That's what I did

Speaker 54271.42s - 4276.9s

last time. Mega Asians bit. I picked up an Asian in my Uber. She liked Trump PERSON a lot, so I made

Speaker 14276.9s - 4283.84s

a joke about it. Right. Okay. You work in the dairy section. Is that correct? No,

Speaker 54283.94s - 4285.32s

I'm a supervisor up front.

Speaker 14285.42s - 4285.78s

All right.

Speaker 54285.82s - 4286.62s

We're going to check in

Speaker 14286.62s - 4288.02s

with the great Daniel Van Kirk PERSON.

Speaker 54288.62s - 4289.42s

Great set, dude.

Speaker 14289.58s - 4289.8s

Thank you.

Speaker 54289.8s - 4290.44s

That was awesome.

Speaker 104291.16s - 4294.38s

I feel like you can get to that quicker, but you're really good at your turns,

Speaker 04294.58s - 4310.14s

like a stop and then going into the joke. But that's okay because blank or like, I've never met that before because I blank. So that's good, and it's good finding your style and like that. One thing I will say, how long have you been doing comedy?Six years. Six years. Okay.

Speaker 104310.86s - 4322.52s

It's just, do you? No, no, it wasn't bad. I want to ask this to Tony PERSON. Because I feel like you and Red Band ORG have probably seen more people starting or in their journey of comedy than any other friends of mine at all.

Speaker 164322.64s - 4328.12s

Yeah. When you feel like somebody's sort of doing a style of a popular comedian, and obviously

Speaker 104328.12s - 4338.02s

there's certain, like, ways of telling jokes and everything, how do you address that? Like, how do you broch it or... I mean, we just say it. Okay. It just felt a little Nate Bargetti PERSON to me, just a little bit.

Speaker 54338.1s - 4339.38s

Are you a fan of Nate Bargatsy PERSON?

Speaker 14339.5s - 4339.52s

No.

Speaker 54339.82s - 4341.72s

Have you ever seen him do stand-up?

Speaker 104341.72s - 4342.42s

That's what I'm saying...

Speaker 14342.42s - 4344.42s

I've seen him do stand-up, and no, I'm not really...

Speaker 54344.42s - 4345.6s

I've never, like, got into him.

Speaker 14345.68s - 4346.1s

Okay, cool.

Speaker 54346.1s - 4346.88s

He's never made me laugh like that.

Speaker 104347.46s - 4348.66s

No disrespect to that, dude.

Speaker 14348.7s - 4349.3s

No, not at all.

Speaker 104349.36s - 4351.46s

And your content is so wildly different than his,

Speaker 54351.6s - 4354.06s

but I didn't know if it was just sort of like a little bit.

Speaker 104354.06s - 4355.84s

This happens a lot on the road if you watch on a comedy,

Speaker 54355.96s - 4358.08s

or if you've probably had it where you guys have somebody open for you,

Speaker 104358.16s - 4361.96s

and for a certain point you're like, I love you, but you're starting to kind of do me on stage.

Speaker 14362s - 4370.74s

Yeah. It just happens. I avoided watching pretty much any specials for my first few years just because the natural way of just copying people, so I just wanted to of do me on stage. It just happens. I avoided watching pretty much any specials for my first few years just because of the natural way of just copying people. So I just wanted to find my voice on stage.Okay.

Speaker 184370.92s - 4372.84s

And I've only recently, in like the past years,

Speaker 54372.94s - 4375.56s

I actually started watching stand-up all the time. Awesome.

Speaker 14375.72s - 4376.64s

It happens. It happens.

Speaker 54376.72s - 4390.62s

I noticed the guy with the iron, unironed shirt, the former soldier that almost killed me. I could tell without a doubt he's a huge Shane Gillis PERSON fan from his hand movements. Did you notice that?

Speaker 164390.7s - 4392.54s

The double-handed, and he was doing this a lot.

Speaker 54393.38s - 4398.84s

That is so true. That's what's happening. No, it's not an autistic thing, John PERSON.

Speaker 164399.72s - 4400.68s

Good question.

Speaker 54400.92s - 4408.24s

John asks one question every eight episodes, and that was it. Nope, not autistic. Did you really try to eat all the weed?

Speaker 14408.7s - 4417.82s

Yes, that was real. Actually, in that particular time, I forgot to put my Prius in Park PRODUCT, and it fucking went into a ditch as I stepped out of the car.

Speaker 54417.82s - 4421.62s

This is this shit. I literally, I have that in my nightmares.

Speaker 14421.94s - 4424.94s

That happens, and like, I can't find the brake pedal.

Speaker 104425.22s - 4430.12s

The guy who arrested me, I went to high school with him. So it was even weirder. Okay, this is the shit.

Speaker 14430.22s - 4436.16s

This is like you guys are fucking angels. Yeah. My man. And he apologized to me, too, later.

Speaker 104436.16s - 4480.3s

Don't you ever fucking interrupt me again? I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm joking. I'm not fucking joke. No.So this is the thing. I do, I'm a bit of a storyteller. I love telling a good story, but I also love finding observational comedy and going in and out of that. You are doing sort of, not so much observational, but not full stories either. It's sort of like there was this and then this, like, I hope you really sent your asshole to your teacher. But that right there is a moment of like, I got arrested for having three and a half grams of weed or whatever it was. And then you mine that fucking, now I know you only had a minute here, but like mine that shit of like, oh, it's worse than you guys think it was.

Speaker 04480.3s - 4505.84s

I could play with it. Like go through all that shit because then the audience gets to go on that ride with you. And as the asshole thing feels like such a, it's very funny, but it feels such a like, really? Like I laughed at it, right? Because it was a good joke. But they didn't think it really happened. And then I don't believe that you really got arrested for weed either. And the more you dig that out, you've got that everything you just said three sentences in row. didn't even have a joke it's just funny so so true an

Speaker 104505.84s - 4511.84s

unbelievable note were you in the guy close in high school not really no did he bully you no did you

Speaker 54511.84s - 4516.36s

do you bully him no did you have any interactions that you remember not really he was just like a normal

Speaker 14516.36s - 4521.28s

dude did he remember oh yeah he remembered me he was trying to because the chick that sold me the weed

Speaker 54521.28s - 4528.56s

we went to high school with her and she was he was trying to rap he was trying to get me to out. He's like, you won't go to jail if you say who it was. And I was just

Speaker 14528.56s - 4534.2s

like, oh, she has blue hair and lives like down the road. Which is not true. No. Well, she does

Speaker 54534.2s - 4539.34s

have blue hair. I was really scared. I was fucking narc, dude. Yeah. Wow. I told you I can break

Speaker 14539.34s - 4542.64s

these motherfuckers. It's incredible. We got a rat amongst us.

Speaker 104543.84s - 4545.86s

So then, now look at that.

Speaker 14546.02s - 4548.6s

That is a fucking curb your enthusiasm episode.

Speaker 104548.6s - 4557.88s

Have you ever had the officer who's trying to arrest you connect you to another person you went to high school with who happened to say you the drugs that you were currently being arrested for?

Speaker 54558.16s - 4559.32s

That's insane.

Speaker 104559.48s - 4559.62s

Yeah.

Speaker 54559.88s - 4560.06s

Right?

Speaker 104560.54s - 4564.08s

So let how fucked up your life is be funny.

Speaker 54564.88s - 4566.42s

It's true. It's true.

Speaker 104566.64s - 4569.28s

Jacob, how's whole food's going? Good?

Speaker 54569.62s - 4570.32s

It's all right.

Speaker 104570.84s - 4573.1s

I mean, it's not the job I want to have forever.

Speaker 54573.44s - 4576.72s

And I've tried to get a job with a better schedule so I could hit more mics in Dallas.

Speaker 14577.12s - 4577.28s

Yeah.

Speaker 54577.6s - 4578.52s

What else is going on?

Speaker 14578.56s - 4580.62s

What else do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up?

Speaker 54581.18s - 4581.8s

I don't know.

Speaker 14581.88s - 4584.44s

I like history. I like to work out.

Speaker 54585.24s - 4586.48s

What kind of workout do you do?

Speaker 14586.54s - 4587.48s

The sit down?

Speaker 54588.16s - 4588.62s

Yeah.

Speaker 14590.14s - 4591.26s

You look buffy as shit.

Speaker 54591.26s - 4593.44s

He is low-key yoked.

Speaker 14593.54s - 4593.72s

Yeah.

Speaker 54593.96s - 4594.4s

Are you?

Speaker 14594.58s - 4594.76s

Yeah.

Speaker 54595.46s - 4595.8s

Really?

Speaker 14596.1s - 4596.64s

Do you have a six-pin?

Speaker 54596.64s - 4597.56s

How many do you think you should

Speaker 14597.56s - 4599.48s

pull a bird Christher right now, huh?

Speaker 54600.52s - 4600.84s

No.

Speaker 14601s - 4602.08s

Not that as yoked.

Speaker 54603.26s - 4604.46s

Daniel PERSON says you're yoke.

Speaker 14604.56s - 4605.5s

The crowd goes wild.

Speaker 54605.5s - 4606.5s

You don't want to do it?

Speaker 14606.5s - 4608s

What do you benching?

Speaker 54608s - 4609s

What?

Speaker 14609s - 4610s

Come on.

Speaker 54610s - 4612s

What do you gotta think about if you're gonna lie?

Speaker 164612s - 4613s

What do you gotta, you...

Speaker 14613s - 4615s

Probably like, I don't know, like 2.20.

Speaker 164615s - 4616s

Yeah.

Speaker 54616s - 4617s

Wow.

Speaker 104617s - 4618s

Look at that.

Speaker 14618s - 4619.5s

But I mean, I don't know, like, I don't even have to work out that much

Speaker 104619.5s - 4622s

because I was in the military, so I'm just like already fed.

Speaker 54622s - 4630.5s

Wow. Our military has never been weaker. This is incredible. A bunch of sickly people like, I'm just like already fed. Wow, our military has never been weaker. This is incredible. A bunch of sickly people like, I'm fighting for our country. This is unbelievable.

Speaker 104630.76s - 4633.4s

We do need to start letting trans in the military.

Speaker 54634.22s - 4635.6s

This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 104635.82s - 4637.16s

Hey, anybody wants to defend our country?

Speaker 54637.4s - 4638.38s

Go fucking do it.

Speaker 104638.48s - 4639.34s

That's my fucking rule.

Speaker 54639.34s - 4641.24s

I support you and I love you for your service.

Speaker 104641.46s - 4642.22s

What branch?

Speaker 54642.72s - 4644.04s

Army, Army National Guard ORG.

Speaker 14644.26s - 4644.46s

Rank?

Speaker 104645.24s - 4645.62s

Wow. Look at that. National Guard ORG. Rank? Wow.

Speaker 14646.08s - 4646.68s

Look at that.

Speaker 104646.78s - 4648.64s

Eight years. Rank? Right.

Speaker 14649.02s - 4651.34s

Did you have a rank in your next? Oh, rank? I was a corporal.

Speaker 104651.46s - 4660.46s

He's a stocker. He's a stock boy. Okay. So you're working out. You're going to Mike. You like history.Where in Whole Foods ORG do you work?

Speaker 14660.64s - 4662.28s

I work up front as a supervisor.

Speaker 104662.48s - 4668.24s

So up front, how many stories do you have about people stealing from the hot food section? Oh, all the time.

Speaker 14668.64s - 4673.76s

Yeah, they come in there looking like the boy in the striped pajamas all like me here. We have to kick him out.

Speaker 104674.32s - 4682.56s

So I was fucked up. Let's work on our references. We don't want to lose the crowd. What kind of pajamas?

Speaker 54682.76s - 4683.74s

Striped pajamas.

Speaker 104684.16s - 4685.38s

That is very, I mean, that is... Remember of the movie? Ohped pajamas. That is very...

Speaker 54685.38s - 4686.8s

Remember the movie?

Speaker 104687.22s - 4692.1s

Oh. Yeah. It's like, hey, I'm gonna die in a concentration camp. That's who he...

Speaker 54692.1s - 4699.38s

That's his first pull. Right. The old striped pajamas. What else? How else would you describe these people?

Speaker 14699.38s - 4714.92s

I also got in trouble at work because sometimes whenever people do self-checkout, you have to enter in the date whenever you look at their ID. And I used to just not check IDs. I was like, you want 9-11 or JFK PERSON assassination. So I got in trouble, yeah.

Speaker 54715.3s - 4718.36s

Okay. Someone ratted you out for a change.

Speaker 14718.48s - 4721.58s

Yeah, yeah. Some dumb bitch in uptown. Wow.

Speaker 54721.72s - 4739.26s

Yeah. Look at that. John PERSON's fucking her right now. So revenge is yours. You got a big joke book last time? Yes. All right. Yeah. Look at that. John PERSON's fucking her right now. So revenge is yours. You got a big joke book last time? Yes.All right. Well, there he goes. Jacob Cantor. Anything? What? You don't live in Austin, do you?No, but I can come down here. Uh-oh. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday before.

Speaker 114739.26s - 4741.28s

Whoa. Look at that.

Speaker 54742.86s - 4770.58s

Dreams are coming true. Live on Kill Tony, Jacob Cantor PERSON, C-A-N-T-E-R. All right. You guys having fun out there? We have another bucket pool. And they go by the name of Lee Hudson PERSON, everybody.60 seconds uninterrupted for Lee Hudson PERSON. Here's Lee PERSON. I'm an out of shape man.

Speaker 124770.78s - 4831.62s

I have a bad diet. My diet is bad to the point where if I decided to buy vegetables on my debit card, my bank would flag it as suspicious activity. I'm a depressed man as well. It's weird when your friends know you have depression because it really takes the impact out the phrase,I'd rather kill myself. Because my friends are like, do you want to come to the cinema? And I'm like, I'd rather kill myself. And they're like, we know, but do you want to come to the cinema? I watched my dad get married last year for the fifth time.Yeah, it's a lot of times. That means I've had a lot of stepmums to the point where I'm actually quite traumatized by that category of porn now. I will still watch it, though. But it's different for me.I'm watching a video of some guy pounding his stepmom, and I'm watching it going, don't get too attached.

Speaker 54832.1s - 4848s

Wow. What a performance. Lee Hudson PERSON, absolutely incredible. Welcome to the show, Lee PERSON. Hey, man. How are you?I'm good. How long you been doing stand-up? Just over seven years now. Seven years. Am I crazy? Were you on an episode in England? 2019'm good. How long you've been doing stand-up? Just over seven years now. Seven years. Am I crazy? Were you on an episode in England GPE?

Speaker 124848.94s - 4849.24s

2019 in London.

Speaker 54849.88s - 4853.28s

Wow! I can't believe I remember that. I can believe it.

Speaker 104855.32s - 4856.16s

You give a shit and you like doing this. It's incredible.

Speaker 54856.36s - 4856.82s

Credit to you.

Speaker 104856.82s - 4859.66s

2019 in London, England

Speaker 54859.66s - 4861.92s

at a big giant sold-out theater.

Speaker 104862.12s - 4862.9s

Yeah, bluesery theater.

Speaker 124863.02s - 4864.14s

And you did great there.

Speaker 54864.28s - 4864.42s

Yeah.

Speaker 124864.56s - 4867.42s

I remember you very clearly. And this is a brand new minute.

Speaker 54867.68s - 4880.64s

Very, very fun stuff happening. How long are you in Texas GPE for? I leave on Tuesday. When did you get here? Yesterday. Why is such a quick trip to the new comedy capital of the world being as funny as you are?

Speaker 124880.64s - 4883.72s

It's the only amount of time I can get off work. What do you do for work? I'm a data analyst.

Speaker 54884.4s - 4902.9s

A data analyst. A data analyst. Yeah. Okay. What kind of data are you analyzing? Finance, interest rates, and shit like that. Wow.You might be one of the funniest data analyst I've ever heard of. This is absolutely incredible. Tell us what else is going on over there in London? Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 124902.98s - 4903.3s

Okay.

Speaker 54903.92s - 4904.96s

It's a pretty cool scene at the moment.

Speaker 124905.08s - 4905.76s

Yeah, it's fun. I get up pretty much scene at the moment. Yeah, it's fun.

Speaker 54905.82s - 4906.98s

I get up pretty much every night.

Speaker 124907.76s - 4912.22s

Yeah, it's a fun time. The queen is dead. She is. How did that make you feel?

Speaker 54912.38s - 4912.6s

Yeah.

Speaker 124914.56s - 4915.48s

Party time.

Speaker 54915.8s - 4917.72s

How did that make you feel when the queen died?

Speaker 124918.36s - 4921.16s

I was, yeah, pretty nonchalant about it.

Speaker 54921.24s - 4924.34s

I did a show that night, like half an hour after it got an ounce that she died.

Speaker 124924.44s - 4932.44s

You monster. The host went up and he went, does an hour after it got announced that she died. You monster. The host went up and he went, does anyone give a fuck? And one guy went, I do. And he went, nah, you can go. Amazing.

Speaker 54932.92s - 4942.3s

Absolutely incredible. Right. The queen dies, but the show must go on. So Lee Hudson PERSON, tell us more. What else have we missed about your life since the last time we've seen you?

Speaker 124942.98s - 4952.76s

Last time we spoke, I was with someone for a very long time, and you guys made fun of me because we weren't married. That went to shit. That's gone now.

Speaker 54953.46s - 4953.72s

Yeah.

Speaker 124953.88s - 4957.76s

Did we, you think we helped with that? Oh, no, it was like another four years later.

Speaker 54957.94s - 4959.18s

Oh, okay.

Speaker 124959.44s - 4960.5s

Yeah, I drew it out a while.

Speaker 54960.66s - 4967.44s

And that was your stepmom? I'm done too, dad. I'm done too.

Speaker 124971.52s - 4974.72s

So how long ago was the breakup?

Speaker 74974.72s - 4976.32s

It was during the pandemic.

Speaker 54976.32s - 4978.56s

Okay. So have you been dating since then?

Speaker 04978.56s - 4987.34s

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Have you been with an American NORP woman? No, Canadian NORP was the closest I got. Canadian NORP was the closest. Have you ever kissed an American woman? No, Canadian was the closest I got. Canadian was the closest. Have you ever kissed an American NORP woman? No.

Speaker 124987.78s - 4988.76s

Is there a...

Speaker 54988.76s - 5018.24s

Is there any chance? You know, we have some of the best audience members in the world. This is a famous segment of the show where it's called Kiss Me WORK_OF_ART. And sometimes we have a female audience member come up and kiss. Is there, wow, look at this young lady right here.She scares me. Oh, shit. That's a real American NORP. Come on up here. That is a real American NORP right there.

Speaker 45018.78s - 5025.24s

I hope she gets out of stage. She's like, Orah and Stewie PERSON. You're about to kiss an American NORP girl.

Speaker 55025.34s - 5031.8s

Are you excited? Somewhat. Okay. Lee Hudson. I never have to cause you.

Speaker 45032.06s - 5035.32s

Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe this is about to go down.

Speaker 105035.46s - 5038.08s

This is a real, oh my goodness.

Speaker 45038.68s - 5039.28s

Wow.

Speaker 105040.62s - 5041.12s

Okay.

Speaker 45041.78s - 5043.88s

Now, Tony PERSON, I've never witnessed this.

Speaker 55043.94s - 5044.18s

Yeah.

Speaker 105047.14s - 5049.4s

Do we check that door for consent? Do we backdraft this?

Speaker 55050.24s - 5053.28s

Do we negotiate? What kind of kiss for that has? She consents? Lee PERSON, do you consent?

Speaker 105053.72s - 5054.12s

Yeah, sure.

Speaker 55054.68s - 5055.52s

Enthusiasmically?

Speaker 105059.28s - 5060.1s

Can I do my minute if I can't do your minute now. Well, she's a comment.

Speaker 55060.28s - 5061s

No, thank you.

Speaker 105061s - 5065.2s

You know, it was right of you to ask, but we thought you were up here for...

Speaker 195065.2s - 5066.52s

Oh, my God.

Speaker 105067.16s - 5067.68s

Wow.

Speaker 55068.68s - 5069.66s

Look at that.

Speaker 45069.8s - 5077.52s

Wow. This is a real fucking, oh, my God. Okay. Wow.

Speaker 55077.92s - 5082.68s

Look at that. Look at that. From Buckingham to Fuckingham GPE.

Speaker 45083.22s - 5091.86s

This shit is going down tonight. Oh, my God. You're going to love beingham to fucking ham. This shit is going down tonight. Oh my God, you're going to love being married to his dad. This is

Speaker 55091.86s - 5101.98s

incredible. Look at the look of happiness on Lee Hudson's PERSON face. This is one of the happiest South Park characters I've ever seen in my life. Is it?

Speaker 105103.02s - 5104.78s

Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 45105.12s - 5106.1s

Right now in his mind, he's like, keep calm and get hard. Keep it? Absolutely incredible. Right now in his mind he's like,

Speaker 55106.26s - 5107.52s

keep calm and get hard.

Speaker 105107.68s - 5108.9s

Keep calm and get hard.

Speaker 55110.24s - 5110.76s

Absolutely.

Speaker 105111.12s - 5112.58s

Is that a little fucking...

Speaker 55112.58s - 5118.68s

Is that Winston Churchill's cigar in your pants? Are you just happy to be here? Wow.

Speaker 195118.88s - 5120.12s

This is a fucking...

Speaker 55120.12s - 5125.12s

A whole new revolutionary war. What's your name, sweetheart? Crystal PERSON. Crystal.

Speaker 195125.54s - 5125.98s

Crystal PERSON.

Speaker 55126.42s - 5151.8s

Okay, and you prepared a minute? You really want to do it? All right, we haven't had a female comedian up tonight. So, ladies and gentlemen, doing her minute, make some noise for Crystal PERSON. Lee PERSON, stay up here with your future wife.And one more time, ladies and gentlemen, this is Crystal PERSON, everybody. Hi, my name is Crystal PERSON and I identify

Speaker 195151.8s - 5201.66s

as skinny. I guess you could say I'm trans fat. I think you can tell a lot about a girl by the way she names her pet. Like if her dog has a first, middle, and last name,she might be a little crazy. But if her dog's name is Chalupa Batman, Muggles PERSON, Cash Evansbold, she might be psychotic. For the record, I call him Muggles PERSON for short. So, like, I walk around calling him Chalupa Batma Muggles's Cash Evans Bold PERSON. That would be crazy. I've pretty much given up on ever getting married and having that rock on my hand to show off to all my friends. At this point, the closest I'm getting to a rock is inside Camp Patterson PRODUCT sweatpants. I've actually never been with a black man before.

Speaker 165205.46s - 5207.18s

I've never been with a black man before. I've never been with a black man before.

Speaker 195207.3s - 5208.68s

I know I look like I'm lying.

Speaker 165214.7s - 5218.82s

I've been told I look like jelly roll and Amy Schumer's PERSON love child.

Speaker 195222.42s - 5224.46s

I still don't know if that's a compliment.

Speaker 165226.54s - 5227.38s

That's all.

Speaker 195227.8s - 5228.4s

There you go.

Speaker 165228.5s - 5229.46s

No doubt about it.

Speaker 55231.22s - 5233.02s

That's an incredible performance.

Speaker 165233.52s - 5236.8s

Got better as it went on, started strong.

Speaker 55237.32s - 5238.78s

Incredible stuff, Crystal PERSON.

Speaker 165239.38s - 5239.66s

Yeah.

Speaker 55240.02s - 5245.02s

Wow. Wow. What's going on? Are you about to cry?

Speaker 165245.26s - 5247.94s

I'm good. Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 55248.3s - 5249.6s

You're so happy.

Speaker 165250.06s - 5251.28s

This is amazing.

Speaker 55252.12s - 5252.98s

How do you feel?

Speaker 195252.98s - 5253.78s

This is going to happen.

Speaker 55253.88s - 5255.1s

I didn't even shower today.

Speaker 195255.26s - 5257.04s

I was like, this is going to be the one.

Speaker 55258.56s - 5276.74s

We could tell. It's all right. It's a match made in heaven. It's a match made in heaven. It's a match made in heaven. Lee's British, so he didn't brush his teeth today. This is absolutely incredible.You didn't shower today. Wow.

Speaker 45276.94s - 5278.08s

I brushed my teeth.

Speaker 195278.54s - 5279.52s

That's very good.

Speaker 55279.78s - 5280.48s

Very good.

Speaker 45280.54s - 5285.1s

I showered my teeth. Crystal. Crystal.

Speaker 55285.68s - 5286.36s

Wow.

Speaker 05286.96s - 5287.98s

My goodness.

Speaker 185288.2s - 5296.2s

How long have you been doing stand-up, Crystal PERSON? This is my first time. No shit. First time. Look at amazing.

Speaker 55296.84s - 5322.62s

A stunning, stunning stage presence. I love it. Your fish nets caught a whale. This is absolutely amazing. I've never seen anybody. I've nevernets caught a whale. This is absolutely amazing. I've never seen anybody. I've never seen anybody wear a skirt over their shirt before.It's amazing. Crystal PERSON, what's your last name? I know it's not Crystal Light PRODUCT. Tony PERSON. I've heard of Crystal Light, but this is Crystal Heavy PRODUCT.

Speaker 105322.62s - 5330.04s

Tony PERSON, she already is going to have to answer her mom when she goes, and how did you get up on stage? My mom's dead.

Speaker 195330.56s - 5331.68s

Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 105333.8s - 5336.62s

Hey, trust me, she might visit you tonight.

Speaker 195339.9s - 5340.36s

Amazing.

Speaker 105340.92s - 5342.24s

This is amazing, Crystal PERSON.

Speaker 55342.36s - 5343.3s

Your mom is dead.

Speaker 195343.38s - 5344.56s

Where's dad at tonight?

Speaker 55345.06s - 5346.24s

Oh, I don't know.

Speaker 195346.44s - 5347.78s

You don't talk to your dad either?

Speaker 55348s - 5364.8s

No. So how is it possible if you don't talk to your dad and you look the way you do, why haven't you fucked a black guy yet? You think your dad's not going to talk to you twice? Oh. Come on. John PERSON's laughing.

Speaker 45366.88s - 5367.3s

Tony PERSON.

Speaker 55368.14s - 5369.78s

My biological dad

Speaker 195369.78s - 5372.32s

actually had a bet with my uncle

Speaker 45372.32s - 5373.84s

that I'd be pregnant by a black dude

Speaker 195373.84s - 5375s

by the time I was 16.

Speaker 85375.16s - 5376.04s

So I was like, no.

Speaker 55376.58s - 5377.06s

Wow.

Speaker 85377.06s - 5378.62s

Wow.

Speaker 55378.88s - 5380.38s

I don't know who won that bet.

Speaker 85380.94s - 5383.28s

Looks like everybody loses that one.

Speaker 55383.78s - 5386.96s

Because you're not pregnant, but you could be.

Speaker 195387.52s - 5388.12s

All right.

Speaker 55389.26s - 5390.84s

Crystal PERSON has a great sense of humor.

Speaker 195390.84s - 5392.2s

I have a secret move in the bedroom.

Speaker 55392.66s - 5394.44s

Oh, you do have a secret move in the bedroom?

Speaker 195394.56s - 5394.98s

What is it?

Speaker 55395.02s - 5396.96s

The surprise, I didn't shower.

Speaker 195399.04s - 5402.16s

You fuck me while I plug your nose.

Speaker 55402.88s - 5405.3s

Crystal PERSON, I apologize in advance,

Speaker 105405.42s - 5410.2s

but is your secret move sandwiches? No.

Speaker 165410.66s - 5412.88s

She makes the sandwiches before they fuck.

Speaker 55413.04s - 5422.72s

She's got the order of events backwards here. Crystal PERSON, what is your secret move in the bedroom? Can I guess? Can I get a couple guesses? The bedbreaker. No.

Speaker 195423.36s - 5423.78s

Close.

Speaker 55424.06s - 5426.18s

The officionary position.

Speaker 195426.42s - 5427.22s

Ooh, closer.

Speaker 55427.92s - 5429.34s

Okay, go ahead. What is the move?

Speaker 195429.34s - 5430.06s

It's the dolphin.

Speaker 55430.48s - 5431.86s

Okay. Uh-oh.

Speaker 195432.04s - 5435.02s

It's when a guy tries to stick it in my ass and I go, ah, ah, ah.

Speaker 55435.48s - 5454s

Oh, wow. Incredible. Incredible. I thought it was going to have to do with what your pussy smells like. He really... Red band.

Speaker 135458.4s - 5459.42s

Red band.

Speaker 55460.46s - 5461.18s

Wow.

Speaker 135461.38s - 5462.5s

I have a second move.

Speaker 55462.9s - 5463.64s

Oh, wow.

Speaker 195463.86s - 5464.34s

No, no, no.

Speaker 55464.6s - 5465.74s

What's the second move? I roll a perfect blunt. And if you smoke a blunt move. Oh, wow. No, no, no. What's the second move?

Speaker 195466.06s - 5471.46s

I roll a perfect blunt, and if you smoke a blunt while you're in doggy style, it's so perfect.

Speaker 55471.7s - 5474.18s

And I have a shelf, so you can, like, put the ashtray there.

Speaker 195474.34s - 5474.9s

Oh, my God.

Speaker 55474.9s - 5477.7s

And you just pass it back and forth while you're fucking doggy style.

Speaker 195478.06s - 5479.94s

Oh, my God.

Speaker 55480s - 5480.52s

It works.

Speaker 195481.08s - 5481.66s

Wow.

Speaker 55482.22s - 5487.84s

So the person can smoke a blunt and put the ashtray on your back

Speaker 195487.84s - 5490.56s

and an ash on your back

Speaker 55490.56s - 5492.5s

and then they hand it to you sometimes

Speaker 195492.5s - 5495.1s

and you hit it while you're getting...

Speaker 55495.1s - 5495.66s

Wow.

Speaker 195495.66s - 5498.94s

I can't imagine what your bedroom smells like.

Speaker 05500.6s - 5501.88s

This is incredible.

Speaker 55502.06s - 5503.62s

Is it possible for me to get canceled

Speaker 105503.62s - 5510.28s

by listening to someone else talk? I'm not a special.

Speaker 55510.74s - 5513.22s

I'm trying to get people over the special.

Speaker 105513.22s - 5516.62s

Rose Gold, Daniel Van Kirk PERSON comedy on YouTube.

Speaker 55516.94s - 5518.04s

Make sure you watch it.

Speaker 105518.22s - 5518.86s

That's very nice.

Speaker 55519s - 5521.9s

I've always wanted to be roasted by you.

Speaker 105522.18s - 5526s

Well, it's not the first time that I've roasted a pig.

Speaker 55526s - 5528.12s

So, this is incredible.

Speaker 195528.9s - 5529.38s

Tony PERSON.

Speaker 55529.38s - 5534.9s

Absolutely amazing. Should I put an apple in your mouth before I continue?

Speaker 45535.22s - 5544.68s

That's actually my third move. I keep getting sucked into this.

Speaker 145547s - 5548.56s

Well, you did it.

Speaker 55548.68s - 5550.84s

Here's a big joke book for Lee PERSON.

Speaker 145551.08s - 5560.08s

Here's a big joke book for Crystal PERSON. There she goes. Thank you so much. Wow.

Speaker 55560.48s - 5609.24s

So much fun. Such a fun episode. So much momentum. And we fun episode. So much momentum. And we're going to keep it going. We have one of our greatest golden ticket winners ever here. Ready with a brand new minute.This guy is absolutely unbelievable. He's been on a fucking real streak lately. Really, really impressive stuff. And we're going gonna talk about it after is set ladies and gentlemen this is the return of one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show this is indeed Martin Phillipseverybody okay what's out about we doing?

Speaker 235609.24s - 5672.44s

Okay, I'm situated. Oh, I don't know that guy. Okay, I got two jokes. I like flowers, but I would never want to be a flower because then every time I ejaculated it, I would sneeze. That's a smart come joke. This morning for breakfast, I had a soup, or something people called it, a bloody merry.soup or something people got lit a bloody merry you know after that had to be an alcoholic you know what I was like well be good at this soupvodka liquor I don't have a problem and there's no other hard soups out there you know I never put gin in my chicken noodle you know it's neverbut uh okay cool I get in there there, you know. I never put jet in my chicken noodle, you know, it's never, but any, okay, cool, I get in there. Unbelievable.

Speaker 55673.64s - 5687.06s

The return of truly one of the greatest golden ticket winners, Martin Phillips PERSON, everyone. Martin, how you doing? Okay, do it. Yeah.Daniel Van Kirk PERSON, you ever seen Martin before? I have not. Just straight, clean jokes, man. Oh, how you doing? Okay. Fuck you. Yeah. Daniel Van Kirk. You ever seen Martin before? I have not.

Speaker 105687.26s - 5688.94s

Just straight clean jokes, man.

Speaker 55688.94s - 5691.1s

Oh, that was great. That was great. Like you're hit.

Speaker 45695.3s - 5696.84s

I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't take it.

Speaker 95698.68s - 5700.46s

I knew they turned on me.

Speaker 105705.5s - 5706s

Martin,

Speaker 95707.82s - 5708.88s

another unbelievable brand new minute.

Speaker 45709.18s - 5709.38s

You know,

Speaker 95709.52s - 5711.56s

I'll tell you guys a short story,

Speaker 45711.56s - 5714.94s

which is on Thursday.

Speaker 165715.52s - 5715.68s

Yeah,

Speaker 95715.74s - 5716.56s

it was Thursday.

Speaker 165716.86s - 5717.74s

Thursday night.

Speaker 95717.86s - 5719.4s

I had my own show here

Speaker 165719.4s - 5721.06s

at the mothership,

Speaker 55721.06s - 5723.6s

and usually my entire,

Speaker 165723.84s - 5726.9s

you know, all the regulars and, you know, my current friends,

Speaker 55727.06s - 5733.46s

Tony and Friends shows, it's usually everybody's here and William and Casey and Cam and Ron White PERSON.

Speaker 235733.56s - 5740.46s

And all of these people, all of them were working that night and out on the road and this and that.

Speaker 55740.62s - 5769.46s

And last minute was like 45 minutes ago. I'm like, Jesus Christ, who's working the door, this, that, okay, well, no Heath PERSON, no cam, no this, no that, no David PERSON Jolly, David's headlining on the road. Fucking everybody's out on the road somehow on this magical night. So I hit up Martin Phillips PERSON and he's like, I'm down the street, I'll be there. And he came on.And of course, I'm curious to see how he's going to do doing 10 minutes on his own. I've only seen you on Kiltony FAC.

Speaker 05769.88s - 5777.24s

And you fucking killed so hard that the entire club was talking about it.

Speaker 235777.32s - 5788.08s

One of the great managers here, the lovely Chica PERSON, I remember as I was coming down to go on stage, I go, can we get a W-9 for Martin? It was his first

Speaker 05788.08s - 5807.08s

time performing in this room and she goes, got it right here. Can't fucking wait. Like the whole building was, was so excited to have you join. It was just the right place, the right time. You were around. You were able to get here. You made your set. And he fucking decimated. I mean, he crushed this room.

Speaker 235807.26s - 5808.4s

Yeah, it was crazy.

Speaker 55809.78s - 5812.84s

I almost didn't pick up your call.

Speaker 235813.08s - 5816.18s

That was like, who's calling me from Hollywood GPE?

Speaker 55816.66s - 5816.9s

Right.

Speaker 235817.1s - 5821.88s

Well, I do still have my old cell phone number.

Speaker 55821.88s - 5827.74s

Yeah, I was like, well, yeah, but I was at another, like, Mike, but as soon as I thought,

Speaker 235827.82s - 5829.2s

it was like, peace out, okay.

Speaker 55832.2s - 5839.84s

It was the first time that I called you and a fun call, and you answered, and it was fucking

Speaker 235839.84s - 5840.44s

incredible.

Speaker 55842.04s - 5842.9s

Amazing stuff.

Speaker 235842.96s - 5843.98s

How did you feel after that?

Speaker 55844.18s - 5844.88s

It was cool, yeah.

Speaker 235844.88s - 5845.02s

It was first. Yeah.

Speaker 55847.7s - 5849.3s

It was first thing about doing the stage that for the part of it.

Speaker 235849.66s - 5850.52s

Yeah, it was really,

Speaker 55850.72s - 5851.72s

what they say is through,

Speaker 235851.8s - 5853.1s

all the shows are good here.

Speaker 165854.02s - 5856.4s

Yeah, it was really fun.

Speaker 235856.78s - 5857.98s

Yeah, it was magical.

Speaker 55858.22s - 5860.24s

It was fucking absolutely incredible.

Speaker 235862.08s - 5863.28s

You're killing it.

Speaker 55863.4s - 5864.4s

You're doing great.

Speaker 235864.4s - 5866.8s

And you're also, you're going to be in L.A. GPE, correct?. You're doing great. And you're also,

Speaker 55867.36s - 5869.2s

you're going to be in L.A. GPE, correct?

Speaker 235869.42s - 5871s

Yeah, it would be, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 55872.24s - 5874.04s

Doing an arena at the forum.

Speaker 235874.16s - 5875.1s

How does that make you feel?

Speaker 55875.4s - 5877.28s

I have no idea.

Speaker 235877.28s - 5881.36s

I'll see how crazy it is when I get there.

Speaker 55881.82s - 5883.4s

I have no expectation.

Speaker 235883.8s - 5905.12s

This is, yeah. Just go with the flow. And. I have no expectation. That's true. Yeah. Just go with the flow and hopefully I don't eat shit. That's probably my main focus. It's too wild and, you know,about the way to get there. I have plane tickets, but getting to the actual arena because LA GPE sucks. Can I make a suggestion? Just to see what happens? Hitchhike. getting to the actual arena because L.A. GPE sucks.

Speaker 105906.44s - 5906.68s

Can I make a suggestion?

Speaker 235908.18s - 5908.6s

Just to see what happens?

Speaker 105909.08s - 5911.56s

Hitchhike.

Speaker 235912.56s - 5919.24s

Do you know? See who picks you up, man. Live a little. The good scenario out there.

Speaker 45919.92s - 5921.06s

Let's see. You'll get a story out of it.

Speaker 105921.18s - 5922.22s

You get a story.

Speaker 45922.36s - 5926.42s

I make it there. Yeah. But, right. So. I make it there. Right.

Speaker 235927.3s - 5929.9s

So you have everything going for you.

Speaker 55930.02s - 5931.18s

You're absolutely killing.

Speaker 235931.38s - 5934.56s

Every new minute is very, very, very impressive.

Speaker 05934.56s - 5968.66s

I remember when I made you a golden ticket winner back in DC five or six years ago, or long ago it was. I remember thinking, God damn, this guy's good, but I'm actually literally watching you constantly get better. You're one of the few golden ticket winners that hits me up very regularly to call in for your spot. A lot of the, you know, a little fun fact behind the scenes of the showis that anybody, any golden ticket winner can hit me up any time. Take Heath PERSON's writing process. You know, he's very new, very green, even though he's a golden ticket winner. He's a different level, you know, 21 years old. Looks like he's nine.

Speaker 55969.54s - 5988.2s

And Enrique, you know, it takes him a while to have a new minute that he's excited about. Almost all the other golden ticket winners take a while, or Jared Nathan and Aaron Belial live in Canada GPE and can't come a lot. But Martin more than anybody tries to come in, and you do it with beautiful grace

Speaker 235988.2s - 5999.32s

for a guy that's shaky and wobbly and bent out of shit. Yeah, you know, and it looks like I might step on toes. I try not to stand on the day.But,

Speaker 165999.8s - 6001.86s

you know, speaking of

Speaker 236001.86s - 6014.5s

other Golden Dicket WORK_OF_ART winners, I get recognized a lot. But this has happened a lot. People recognize me, and then they go, Aaron? Right.

Speaker 56016.12s - 6018.44s

And we don't look alike.

Speaker 236018.44s - 6023.14s

And most importantly, I can fucking talk, you know?

Speaker 56024.28s - 6025.36s

I'm just saying it's that it's, Importantly, I can fucking talk, you know?

Speaker 236030.54s - 6031.02s

I'm just saying it's clear.

Speaker 166034.76s - 6041.48s

It's, yeah, oh, like, and he has, like, a dog. I don't have a dog. My hands in my pocket. I don't do that.

Speaker 56045.04s - 6045.44s

Damn, this is handicap on handicapped crime.

Speaker 236046.8s - 6047.02s

Happening right here.

Speaker 06049.24s - 6051.38s

These guys, I haven't seen a fight like this since a parking spot was up or grabs.

Speaker 236052.16s - 6056.9s

I have no beef with them, but it's just the listeners are the dumb ones.

Speaker 166057.54s - 6063.06s

They can't tell it equal to part. If you get a second black guy, uh-oh, you know.

Speaker 56063.9s - 6064.66s

That's true.

Speaker 236066.14s - 6070.02s

That is absolutely, everything you are saying is absolutely correct.

Speaker 156070.52s - 6075.86s

For the record, the views expressed by all the comics up here tonight are not exemplary of Daniel Van Kirk PERSON.

Speaker 56076.06s - 6079.96s

Rose Gold, Daniel Van Kirk comedy on YouTube ORG.

Speaker 46080.28s - 6083.4s

Leave Kill Danny WORK_OF_ART in the comments when you go check it out.

Speaker 106083.4s - 6085.4s

And, you know, I've mentioned this before,

Speaker 56085.5s - 6086.42s

but a lot of people say,

Speaker 106086.54s - 6087.3s

oh, you know,

Speaker 56087.34s - 6104.72s

kill Tony PERSON, is that the show with all the handicapped people and this and that? Like, it's like, it really cracks me upbecause, again, I don't, if we were to make a compilation of all your minutes, I mean, other than the regulars,there would be you, Aaron Belial PERSON, Jared Nathan PERSON,

Speaker 06104.92s - 6118.78s

which all of you are a little fucking in your own ways, like, you know, a little fucking wobbly and shit. But no one else has done that good. And no one else has done that good that many times. The fact that you guys are all little fucking whatever is just a coincidence.

Speaker 166119.14s - 6149.68s

And again, Michael Laird PERSON had a different thing. He had ALS and he was the fucking absolute goat. I mean, genius, hilarious, the late great Michael Lair PERSON had a different thing. He had ALS, and he was the fucking absolute goat. I mean, genius, hilarious, the late great Michael Lair PERSON. Total different ailment. He would be furious if he could hear me comparing him to these handicapped people. Tony PERSON.Because most of his life, he was a normal fucking stud. Until the very end, of course, when he died. But we knew that he was going to die. You're not going to die.

Speaker 236149.76s - 6154.04s

You have a full lifespan ahead of you. I hope. Right? Absolutely.

Speaker 06154.34s - 6158.26s

That's amazing that you can cross your fingers like that. I wouldn't have guessed that you'd be able to do that.

Speaker 56161.02s - 6178.06s

I mean, I almost called you Aaron. After all that, I almost said, Martin Phillips PERSON, everybody. God damn. What a fucking episode.Am I right? We haven't fun tonight, huh? You pulled another name.

Speaker 46178.06s - 6180.88s

You're like a gym teacher in the 90s looking at it.

Speaker 56180.92s - 6181.5s

You're like, I don't know,

Speaker 96181.58s - 6183.22s

because some of you fuckers are a little.

Speaker 46186.32s - 6188.24s

That's where over a decade

Speaker 96188.24s - 6190.08s

in the Writers Guild ORG gets me.

Speaker 46190.18s - 6190.5s

It's like,

Speaker 96190.58s - 6191.84s

I'll come up with something.

Speaker 56192.08s - 6210.84s

Duh! All right. Make some noise for what should be our final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Micah Brownor McCann or M-CAN Brown.

Speaker 36212.88s - 6270.64s

Yoga pants. Let's talk about it, boys. I feel like the same people that wear yoga pants who are not on their way to do yoga or on their way from doing yoga are like the same people that wear camouflage when they're not actively hunting or actively being hunted. The thing that blows my mind is there's camouflage yoga pants out there, dude. What are those for? Trying to stretch in secret?Are you part of the Indian Special Forces? Are you trying to live, laugh, reload, dude? Are you trying to eat, prey, eliminate? What's going on? You guys want to really know what's going on? They're just trying to hide their camel toes.

Speaker 56271.94s - 6285.76s

Okay, really thought there was going to be more laughter there at the end. Held for laughter. One more time for Micah Brown PERSON, ladies and gentlemen. Here criticizing fashion while dressed like the final boss of the video game Delta 8 PRODUCT.

Speaker 166289.34s - 6293.72s

An incredible get-up for a guy making fun of what guys wear.

Speaker 56294.22s - 6295.16s

How do you feel?

Speaker 166295.68s - 6296.34s

I feel great.

Speaker 56296.88s - 6306.02s

How long you've been doing stand-up? Five years. You've been on the show before, right? Yes. And how did it go other times? Better or worse?About the same. I had fun both times. Okay. And how did it go other times? Better or worse? About the same.

Speaker 36306.32s - 6312.08s

I had fun both times. Okay. And remind us, what do you do for work? Right now.

Speaker 56312.32s - 6313s

Hold on.

Speaker 106313.1s - 6313.3s

No, no, no.

Speaker 56313.3s - 6321.52s

Here we go. I meant to say this earlier when we heard right now I'm sleeping in a hammock. Nothing good follows this.

Speaker 106321.96s - 6328.46s

Nothing good sentence ends with this. It's always temporary and where I'd rather not be. Take it away, Micah PERSON. Right now.

Speaker 36330.3s - 6333.52s

I serve pizza on 6th Street FAC.

Speaker 56334.1s - 6335.16s

You nailed it, dude.

Speaker 36336.4s - 6336.92s

Wow.

Speaker 56337.76s - 6339.04s

Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 36339.66s - 6340.48s

You serve it.