#brunchtalk: How Do You Get Over Being Friend Zoned?

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Hi, I'm U.S.U.

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And I'm Julie Craftchick PERSON.

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We're active daters turned dating sociologists.

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Here to dive into everything, modern dating and relationships.

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Welcome to the datable ORG podcast.

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Oh, hey, you're back for another episode of brunch talk because you want us to dissect your burning dating questions. And we are happy to do so. And we have a really good one today. One that we get on our plate quite a bit like the little. We don't play favorites though. They're all good. They are all equally good. But this one we've heard many of you ask over and over again, how do I get over being friend zoned?

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And for more context, I have a huge crush on one of my guy friends and I told him about it.

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He said he only likes me as a friend.

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A new girl recently entered our friend group and now they're hooking up.

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I was incredibly hurt and told my guy friend I wanted a no contact period.

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Any advice on how to maintain this period without slipping?

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How long should it last?

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I've been really struggling as I want to talk to him.

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Oh, this is why it's so hard to mix friendship with feelings.

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Once you've been friend zoned, like when someone tells you they don't see you as anything

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more than a friend, it's a little harder to get out of the friend zone because they've already established.

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That's a boundary they're establishing. And as a friend, you should be able to respect that boundary. So I think in this situation, you have to kind of respectfully remove yourself out of any future situations that could hurt you. And that would be hanging out with him and his new girl or any other girl that he comes in contact with. There's nothing that you can do to avoid the situation from happening. Right. He didn't do anything wrong by being with a new person either because it sounds like you both had this conversation. and it wasn't a reciprocal like in that way.

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And it sounds like you maintained a friendship until this new person came along. Yeah. And this is so hard because usually when we go on a date with someone and then they reject us, we never have to see them again. Yeah. They can date whoever they want after, and it doesn't matter because it's not in front of our face. So I love that you didtake a back seat and told him like you have to like stop talking. This person also mentioned that they were like texting a lot too. So it sounds like they did have quite a friendship, but it is hard but one person has feelings and the other doesn't. So I think first of all like it's good that you recognize that like I don't want to be in this situation. I don't want to be, like, out with a group of friends, see him with another girl, at least right now. I think over time, time does tend to heal some of this stuff, and you can maybe start to see that you just aren't the right fit. So maybe it's taking this time apart and looking at, like,what is it that doesn't make us actually compatible? Because at the end of the day, you're not because he didn't want that. So taking him off that pedestal and like actually looking at like why we're better off his friends, that could help you get back to that point faster than if you continue to dwell on him. Again, easier said than done. But taking that time as much as you need, I'd love to give you a hard, fast number, but unfortunately, like, that's just not really how it works. Like, it'sgoing to depend on how fast you can move over this and, like, see him as a friend again. Or maybe

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it won't be that way. Right. Honestly, maybe you'll never see him again. Maybe you won't have a friendship with him again. Sometimes with these friendship crushes, you realize you only hang out with them because you have a crush on them. Right. Maybe there wasn't much of a friendship to begin with. And I would also say, you want to be with someone who chooses you. So by virtue of that statement, you are already barking at the wrong tree because he did not choose you. If you do think there is something salvageable about this friendship, I think deep and hard aboutthis, is there a true friendship here? Is it a deep friendship? Is it a friendship that you can't afford to lose? Then I do understand the no contact period, which then just means this is on you. I mean, he is going to keep living his life. He doesn't need to adjust any behaviors.It's really on you. Can you accept the fact that he's going to be dating people and you're going to keep living his life. He doesn't need to adjust any behaviors. It's really on you. Can you accept the fact that he's going to be dating people and you're going to be witnessing that? That time period is absolutely 100% on you. Only you know the answer. But if you find that this friendship wasn't that deep to begin with and you're kind of like,maybe I was really hanging out with him because I had a crush on him. Then maybe it's worth exploring, like, phasing out this friendship. Yeah. Again,

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it's hard for us to give you like a hard, fast time rule, but I know you're looking for one, so I'm going to give you something. Okay. So my take is, what if you just take 30 days? Keep up this no contact. I know, again, it's hard. It's kind of like similar to no contact with an X. There's something that comes back and you're like, yeah, I want to text them so bad. But you do have to pull it back and say, is there someone else I can text this too instead? Or jot it down at a notebook. Something that kind of distracts that trait of thought of like wanting to immediately textthat person. In this 30 days, don't just ignore the situation, but really get to the root of what we've been talking about of what is it about this friendship. And then you'll be able to see like, was I just drawn to them because I actually had a crush on them? Or is it actually right that maybe we are better as friends and not? So you can kind of get that clarity in this time frame, which of thosecamps you fall into. And I think after that, it'll become a lot more clear what the next action is, whether you can go back to being friends or you're going to find new people. I mean, the reality is like, I hate saying this. I like, in theory, the premise of girls and guys being friends, hetero in this case. I feel like I've definitely gone through guy friends a lot more than girlfriends.

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Like I've had the same girlfriends for a long, long time where guys kind of cycled in and out. And it wasn't always because like someone had a crush on someone, but maybe someone did in the group. There was like something lingering. Yeah. And it was because the friendship wasn't super strong to begin with. So yeah, like look at what it is and what makes sense for you and this person. 30 days makes perfect sense to me.

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Because then that is a concrete number. You can be very disciplined around. Also, make sure he's

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aware of that. It's not a one-sided thing.

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Sounds like she did tell him, which is good. Well, make sure he's aware of the 30-day.

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Yeah, very specific. No contact period. Right. It's very specific. Because why I say that is because

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if he were to text you within the 30 days, it means that he doesn't respect your boundaries, which in turn kind of means he doesn't respect your friendship. He's probably like, oh, she didn't really mean the 30 days or It means that he doesn't respect your boundaries, which in turn kind of means he doesn't respect your friendship. He's probably like, oh, she didn't really mean the 30 days or she doesn't really have boundaries. It's fine if I just text her about this random meme, whatever it may be.

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So I think that's also another way to look at your friendship. And the 30 days is also important

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for you to think this is not a time for you to give him a chance to miss you. This is such a mistake so many of us make. We're like, oh, it's no contact. So that he'll realize he's really secretly in love with me and that he's going to text me and tell me, I'm the love of his life. Get that out of your mind because that only happens in rom-coms. It does not happen in real life. The 30 days is purely for you to not have contact with him so you can think more clearly about what you want out of this friendship.

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Yeah, and you can look at your text messages.

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Are you sending memes about nothing or you having deep conversations? That will also give you intel, like, where you like flirting or were you having like real, you know, friendship talks. I do want to go in a little more. What do you do when your friend groups are entwined? Because I think that makes it a little more complicated. But before we do, let's take a quick break to hear from our sponsors. Spring is in the air and you know what addsan extra spring to my step? Our partners at Via Hemp. Need to chill out after a long day? There's a via gummy for that. Dealing with anxiety or stress, there's a gummy for that too. Want to set the mood in the bedroom? There's a gummy for that called High Love. Via ORG also carries a wide array of other gummies with and without THC ranging from zero to 100 milligrams. I've been struggling to stay focused lately, so I was excited to try out their flow state gummies. These felt like a good bet to me, too,because they were non-psyactive and THC-free. But they definitely delivered boosting my daily energy and focus. So whether you're a 2 milligram or a 50 milligram user, you can shop through their website for any strength and effects. So head to via hemp and use the code datable to receive 15% off and one free sample of their award-winning gummies. 21 plus. That's V-I-I-A ORG hemp.com and use the code datable at checkout. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Take your passion and pleasure to a whole new level with

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So I've definitely had this situation before where I had a friends with benefits. It was a little different. It wasn't a friend that friends owned, but they still didn't want a real relationship. So there's a lot of similarities. And what was really hard with this is it was hard to untangle it because it wasn't just this person. It was an entiregroup of friends that was caught into this person. So if I said, I want 30 days away from this person, that meant that I could be taking time away from other friends too. I had some ways in tactics that I went about doing it, but I'm curious, UA, like your thoughts, how do you navigate this too if it's not just the one person,

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but entire group? There are some rules around hanging out as a group. I think the 30-day no contact could be one-on-one. Yeah. But if I see you out and about with our friend circle, I'll still say hi, I'll be courteous to you. So maybe that's one carve out. You could be so hurt by seeing him with someone else that maybe it is good to just not hang out with this group at all because they're going to be a constant reminder of him for you. Yeah. I mean, so much has to do with your situation,

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like do you have other friend groups? How good friends are with these people? Like, it's very nuanced, but I think, like, for my situation, like,

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I found, like, the girls in the group. I guess I was like, who are they? There was the girls of the group. And it did cause, like, a little divide. So I'm not sure if I'm, like, fully, like, this is the tactic you should take. But at the end of the day, those were my closer friends for the most part. And there were some guys, too, that fell into that. And it did ultimately divide the group, but it did make it a little easier to, like, move on because I was really just there with the people I was closer with.And they weren't necessarily the people he was closer with. I wasn't necessarily like asking someone that was close with both of us to choose sides. Like I didn't go there and I don't think that's fair. But I think in every friend group, there's going to be certain people that are closer to others. So maybe it's just like having different activities that aren't the whole group or subsets of the group more. Yeah. It's a great point because this will be very clear whether he's a hangout friendor a real close friend. Yeah. And when you starts to see that divide in the group, you'll know who are the close friends that you can just spend more one-on-one time with. You don't need to hang out with everybody as a group. And who are more of the activity partners? And that's more of the casual group maybe just go out and don't need to have any deep

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conversations. This will be very telling. Yeah, and I mean the reality, like, I hate saying this because it's not a good story, but that group kind of did blow off. I'm like, I'm not really friends with anyone in that group anymore. And this person isn't either, just like the whole group kind of disintegrated. But I think at the end of the day, it also allowed me to find people that were actually more in line with the types of friends I wanted.

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So I think that net, it was a positive. And you know what? The reality is certain groups of friends, especially I think what it was with this group. It was very much a going out group. And a lot of that was centered around this person too. So I started to just outgrow the purely going out part and they stillwanted to do that. So there was like a little bit of a divide for that reason. But ultimately like you start to get more clear about like what is it that I even want in a friendship. Yeah. And you can see that maybe this served a place of time, but it's not meant to be forever either. Oh, that's so true. This will give you that clarity you're looking for too, because maybe you'll realize, oh, I have a crush on him because I see him all the time. Yeah. Because he's always there, you know, or you realize, okay, I wanta version of him in a partner, maybe not the entire him. And I'm going to look for that in a partner. But on top of everything that I like about him, I'm going to choose someone who chooses me back. So imagine like how much more valuable that relationship will be. So use this 30 days to sit down and think, what is it that I like about him? Do I see partner potential in him? Or is it just purely FaceTime?And then how can I translate that into my own love life? Yeah. And we're not telling you, like, blow up all your

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friendships and your life, anything like that. But 30 days in the grand scheme of things, especially if your friends, like really, you know, they are your real friends. They'll understand what you're going through too. And they won't take it personally. If you're not at every group hanging, et cetera. But you'll start to find like other interests too. Yes. And other things that and maybe

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date other people, you know, go on dates. It could have got really comfortable with this person because you had the crush on them. I think pushing you out of your like comfort zone here is actually going to be a positive. And you know, best case scenario is you move on. You could be friends and it's not a big deal at all. But if that doesn't happen, then maybe you just accept and appreciate for what it was in this moment of time. Yes. Like I talk about that group of friends. Like, I still look back on that time fondly, even though those people aren't in my life anymore.It's not like it was a failed experience. It was just a blip of time that isn't where I am currently. You've got to really congratulate yourself on these moments of gaining that clarity of growth. And one thing we didn't actually do is congratulate you for telling your crush that you have a crush on him.

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No, some people hide it. And then they build up that like resentment and then it just gets

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really ugly.

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So thank goodness.

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You told him how you felt, which means you were asking for answers. Yeah. You got the answers. And now you can take that attitude into your dating life. Like don't sit in the dark about anything. Ask for the answers.

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You know, I had a friend in college. I didn't come out and tell him. I did not have the guts to do it. But word got out to him through the grapevine. And it was awkward for like a couple days.

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And then we got over it. And like, honestly, I lost the feelings as well. So I'm glad, though, there was maybe there was something like liberating a little of just putting it out there. So maybe this will all blow over and it will be for the best. And, you know, if it's not, the fact that you can look back in 10 years or whatever and be like, I put it out there. Like, there's no what ifs. That is something to be super proud about, even if it wasn't the response that you were looking for.And then taking this as a learning of what was it that drew you to this person in the 30 days. I think it's why are we maybe better as friends, but also what qualities do I want in a partner that chooses me to? There was a reason you were drawn to this person. And using that as a data point is going to help in the future as well. You're going to learn and grow so much from this. Thank you so much for this question.See, you ask for answers from us as well. So you're doing all the right things. And for anybody that's sitting in the dark about something you're going through, you can get some answers. We've talked to thousands of daters about what they're going through. We can give you all the data points and our own opinions about what may be happening.So send us your dating questions. You can email us hello at datablepodcast.com. You can DM us on Instagram at datable ORG podcast is the handle. Or you can leave us a rating review in Apple ORG Podcasts. Give us five stars. And then in the body of your review, ask your question there.It's anonymous, so nobody will ever know, but we'll know because we're going to be answering it right away. Or leave us a comment on

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YouTube ORG because we are now there as a video podcast as well. Oh, I keep forgetting. I feel like we

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need something more visually interesting like this cup. Every episode, we will throw an Easter egg

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in something random that you could only see visually.

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You know, you can do that on YouTube ORG podcast as well.

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We're everywhere.

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With that, we're going to be everywhere next week

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as well. So we'll see you back here next week. We'll see you next week. Bye. Bye.

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importantly, stay datable.